天快亮了
能不能別離開呢
沉默像首悲傷的歌 無聲視線卻模糊了
你要走了 也帶走所有快樂
甜蜜的片段散落了 你倦了 心冷了 我哭了
那流星閃過 我們許下一個願望
要在一起 絕不分離 你怎麼放棄了
星空在閃爍 像你的眼淚 悄悄劃過
當你放開了手 離開的時候 有沒有一點捨不得我
淚光在閃爍 而我的眼淚 忍住不敢 墜落
我還留在黑暗中守候 你卻已經遠遠 離開我

離開我了 夢醒了還剩什麼
我要的幸福消失了 你的心曾經屬於我的
那流星閃過 我們許下一個願望

要在一起 絕不分離 你怎麼放棄了
星空在閃爍 像你的眼淚 悄悄劃過
當你放開了手 離開的時候 有沒有一點捨不得我
淚光在閃爍 而我的眼淚 忍住不敢 墜落
我還留在黑暗中守候 你卻已經遠遠 離開我
有過的快樂我都還記得 回憶旋轉著
愛怎麼停了 我們都淚了

星空在閃爍 你的眼淚 悄悄劃過
當你放開了手 離開的時候 有沒有一點捨不得我
淚光在閃爍 而我的眼淚 忍住不敢 墜落
我還留在黑暗中守候 你卻已經遠遠 離開

i lost everything... god... are you enough making fun of me? are you happy with what i have now? then can you grant me a wish... i wish to end my life here... i don't care how or what... i had enough... i just a selfish and childish idiot... now i only wish to die... i doesn't want a new life... i don't want born as a human or even animal... i just want to end everything... disappear...

she said before that im' a sun to her... no.. .i'm not a sun... i just a piece of rock that she pick me up on the floor.... sun is noble... sun is mighty... sun give ppl future and had it's own duty of future... but i just a piece of rock... just waiting for ppl to step on and break... become a more small piece of rock...

now i know she doesn't love me all this time... she pity me... hahaha... kenneth the rubbish finally being pity... i wonder what i had done wrong... i lost everything.. i just being made fun... i'm nothing.. i can't gain anything... i won't have any future... i'm just a piece of shit... i don't need anyone care me anymore... i just a selfish person... i got nothing... i useless... just let me die... cancer... accident or anything...

i don't want anything... i dont' want future, dream, money, life, family or fren... i don't need anything or anymore... i just want to die... pls... let me end now and here.....

i won't have a future... it's end here... she never love me... i being pity... she never meant about it... i just a stepping stone... yeah.. .in the world of reality those who idiot are being step on... i nothing... if he treat her nice theni don't have to say or wish anything else...

kenneth soon is nothing nothing nothing................................. she won't care me... she won't love me... yeah... i selfish... i only want she be my gf and someone i love... not friend or anyhitng... she right... everyone right and i'm all wrong... i wrong since she left me... i wrong since i was born..... kenneth soon always wrong.... kenneth soon really is just a stupig.....

today during my rest time i didn't went to sleep... because she online... she online in her facebook... i don't know what should i do... i just stare at the computer at that time... i keep see what she doing... she if she write anything... see if she write any blog... and see if she find me... but she didn't... i ask myself have she read the letter and the present i send to her... then why didn't she reply me? why didn't she talk me... i don't know what should i do... i keep look at it until she offline...

i was thinking did she chat with ronnie? did she think of him? i don't know why ... maybe i jealous.. maybe i selfish... i admit... i admit i am... feel so naive... after all happen... i still hope she nice to me... she come back to me... but... will that day come? i ask myself if one day she in trouble like the lastime, will i care about her? i know i will... i never leave her behind no matter what... because i love her deep down my heart... i waiting for her even now... even know it's impossible...knowing miracle will never happen... i just feel so regret that i never back during that time... i should never stay here...

sometime i just wish suddenly she appear infront of me... hope she care about me... i hope to hug her like lastime... and this time i will never let her go anymore... i need her sholder... to shear my tears.... there is once i think if one day i meet her, and we able to be together again... will i feel happy and hold her hand... no... i won't... because i want to hug her and cry as much as i want... because i feel so suffer for the time i wait for her... at the same time i feel that all my suffer is pay off.... because she back by my side... but now... .i don't think such thing will happen again...

in her blog she said she will not leave ronnie behind... this sentence she said to me once... but... now... i being left behind and she say the same sentence to someone else... the diff is that she really dind't leave him... she leave me behind.... did she leave me behind? i do'nt even know... i only know i feel lonely again... she didn't call me or sms me... i wait and wait and wait... just like 3 years ago... feel hopeless... i thought we can together again but she threw me back to the same situation again... i don't know why... what is real and what is fake? can anyone tell me? what i did wrong?

i not sure that being with her is right or wrong but one thing i sure that i never regret being with her... because i really love her.. she the only one i love most... i know i wo'nt love anyone else as much as her..... i really hope she still care about me... and one day she will back by myside... and i hope soon...

yee ling, i really sad... where are you again? you say you will never leave by myside... you will always by my side no matter happy or sad..... why you leave me again...

today she went back to kl... i wonder what is her reaction when she saw my letter and birthday present... but i guess the 1st thing she might do is find her new bf... well, i'm just nothing... present can leave later... she must save time for her family and her bf... not a nobody like me...

after that phone call i cry for 2 day and night... pretend to be usual when work... it's so suffer... doesn't want to eat... only think of her... keep question why she treat me like this... no matter how nice i treat her... how much i give her... it's never enough... because i'm not in her heart... she said i'm important... i should know her feeling toward me but in the end she with someone else... i feel like an idiot... thought that she will wait for me... do eveyrthing for her.. give the best i had to her... in the end... this is my result... being abandon again... even though she said she will find me... will chat again... but i ask myself is this what i want? can i pretend nothing happen and chat like usual? once again i need to look at the one i love in someone else arm...

i admit i jealous of that... include sad as well... i unable to stand see she with someone else when she leave me behind... i really can't stand it... my heart full of pain...

on my birthday, when kar hong, kim san and me on the way to take the cake we saw someone accident being run by a car... the lady just lying on the street... no blood... but in that instant i wish that person was me... i was so sad that i doesn't want to live anymore... i live for her, i done everything for her but in the end i can't be with her... she far more important to me compare to my parent... i wish i had accident either i dead or coma or lost memory... it's so pain.....

i want to tell her that i work so hard because i want to travel around with her... i plan to bring her to see the harry potter castle... then go to switzerland because she might like the snow... then i want to take her to paris where many girl like it since it call the romantic country... and lastly i take her to disneyland in paris... i don't mind i spend all my hard work during this one year just to travel with her... because she important to me... after that i will go back to malaysia with her and work hard again... i even thought of if possible i want send her to oxford uni because is her dream...

at the same day, kim san saw the swarovski bag in my room... ask if i bought it for who... i just being honest and tell them... kim san said that the money i earn wasn't come from the heaven or pick it on the floor... i know what she means... the money i earn is very painful... i been through many thing in order to get money to buy present to yee ling and take her to travel... they even scold me i didn't spend anything on my parent while i bought an expensive birthday present to her without a second thought..... i didn't say anything... i just being quiet and smile... and then i said because yee ling important to me..... and is worth... they said what if she important to me... did she call me during my birthday? did she give me anything during my birthday? the only thing i answer is because i work now so is diff... while she still studying so it's nothing... as long as she did say happy birthday to me... i dind't mention anything about the chat i had with yee ling before i went to meet kim san and kar hong... i dind't tell them i cry for her... i hid my pain in my heart... just for myself...

yee ling said that ronnie done alot for her... i was thinking then what izzit that all this time i doing? wasn't for her? or not as good as him? well, i know if compare i never able to win any guy that around her... but i dare to say that i'm the only one who love her with all my heart...

when my parent and kar hong and kim san ask me to join them to travel in europe... i rejected... told that i was busy working and doesn't have holiday and doesn't have money... i actually lie to them... i have holiday and money... but i was saving to use when yee ling accept to come uk to travel with me... i done everything for her just to let her know that i willing do anything for her... i want to let her know i earn my own money... i give yee ling happinese with my own hand... not by my parent or anyone... i diff from those who give yee ling present and happinese without throught their own hand... i admit i jealous when yee ling accept other but not me... all my hard work is nothing... seeing my parent and kar hong and kim san photo made me jealous. it was the photo when they travel around... everyone travel around the world with this chance... and what am i doing? waiting for someone who will never come... i laugh and tears each time when i face this fact... she will never travel with me... not now..... i feel so sad... all my hard work end in nothing but dust..... i learn that hard work doesn't have a good result....

now i got only two road infront of me... return malaysia with the same sadness when i leave malaysia... second, stay in uk and study just to postphone the time i go back malaysia... i study not because i want... i study because the same reason i had during i leave malaysia... doesn't want to see the one i love with someone else and doesn't want cause any trouble to her... and hope that time will let me forget her... but i learn that even i leave malaysia for 10 years i will still never able to forget her... because i realise leaving malaysia made me love her more and more... my feeling toward her is read and sincere... even in future i with someone else, i know yee ling is still in my heart... and she always be the one i love most.......

i don't know will she find me during the time she back kl... maybe she spend time with those she thing important... early this year i still believe the word she said that i'm important to her... but now i don't know what in her mind... too be honest i can't bare the feeling that seeing her with someone else... since the day i leave malaysia i already took a road that i doesn't want...

until now i still so stupid hoping that she came back to me... i know is impossible... what the point forcing her to come back to me if deep down her heart if she doesn't love me.... i don't know what should i do... i doesn't want her to be with somone but i doesn't want to force her be with me if she doesn't love me... i so selfish... i feel so pain..... what i did wrong? all i did was to give her happiness... why i had to go through this pain... why? izzit wrong to give happinese to someone i love?

i really love yee ling... i never did betray her... not even a second..... for the past 4 years i tears for her and only her..... i hope she will understand my feeling... never break her word anymore... it really painful each time she break her word with me... i miss her... i feel lonely without her... i want to hold her hand and hug her like the time when we together......

she say happy birthday to me just now in facebook while i making breakfast... didn't reply her either but from the record i had, she online a while and offline after say that to me... in the end i sms her and thanks her but the sms stll haven't reach her... i wonder did she switch off her phone to study or she in somewhere that no line... or she change phone number... i do'nt know... she never mention anything about her to me anymore... not since that day.....

to be honest, i want to know what she thinking? does she have me in her mind? or in her heart? sometime i just doesn't wish my birthday come... it just so pain...so lonely on this special day... last night while i sleeping i almost cry... in my heart i keep calling her name... wish she could be by myside on this special day... feel so suffering... unable to bear the loneliness... a tears came... and i fall asleep with this tears...

yee ling... i miss you alot...

this is my 90 post in my blog... also my 22 birthday and also my four straight year unhappy birthday...

i request to day off today... after finish work i didn't back home... i sit outside of my house... looking up the sky... and wait until 12am... i don't know why i do that... as if i waiting for something or maybe someone... until 12am only i went back to my house... take a bath and do thing like usual... i log in my facebook... some of my friend write on my wall... i appreciate and really thanks for their wishing... but somehow i still waiting for someone... someone that i always wait... someone that i care about... but untill now she still haven't say anything to me... maybe she say later, maybe after i sleep or maybe when i wake up the next morning or maybe never... even though she said she will never forget my birthday but i wonder..... she already had someone else, even if she does remember it doesn't mean anything anymore... she only will say as a friend... as someone she know... that's all... nothing more nothing less...

when i sat outside just now i start to think back the time we chat back... the song i send to her... was my favorite song... i always listen to it... and i recomment to her... but she send it to someone else... the song and the lyrics... i feel so sour in my heart... even since that day i stop listen that song... i do'nt know why... when i listen that song i doesn't feel have the way i love the song anymore... somehow i laugh... i laugh at myself how stupid i am... i send my favorite song out to someone that important to me but the one that important to me send it to someone that close to her now...

i stop listen that song because i don't want to know how idiot i am... how useless and rubbish i am... i really want to tears... my heart feel so pain and sour... but i didn't... i don't know... unable to tears and keep it in my heart...

happy birthday kenneth... once again you have a sad birthday again... with the same wish that will never come true and with the same wish that hope everyone i know is doing fine and healthy... especially to those that i really care most....

it's been a week since i last able to online... now using my friend line to online. the 1st thing i do is view her facebook and blog... even though i know i may hurt when i read but i still want to know how she been doing... as usual, pain strike straight to my heart after i read her blog... my eyes feel like want to tear but i didn't...

i feel so tired... i feel so lonely... i don't know what i want anymore... after this thursday it will be the fourth times i having the sadness on my day... but still i past it like it was normal day... pass it like it never been that day... i can't accept myself on that day... it will be the fourth time i cry on that day... ppl make wish on their special but my wish will never come true... because wish never meant for me... miracle will never happen on me... because i'm being dump like nothing...

the one i care, the one i love... once again face me with silent...