finally i can write my blog again... since i dun have computer now... i have to borrow my bro comp while he not at home... since last week... i begin more and more not myself... sometime i even think am i really did wrong... all i do is just a call and sms... onli a question... i ddin't think of wan to make the matter become so complicated... just becoz of a question, i'm being said that i'm not let go of her..... if like that who let go of me... can the pain, sorrow, sadness and loneliness let go off me..... wat i did wrong... even i did wrong, can't i be forgiven... izit one mistake is consider forever wrong... wat's the point of work hard... wat's the point of give effort out... wat i gain from my work hard... if really wan to say gain.. wat i gain is sadness... my effort, the heart i gave out... in exchange for sadness and a broken heart.......

when ppl happy all they say as if real... when separate and unhappy... they said they realise wat they say is wrong and they try to turn back all the word they said in the past... and when they have another one... will they say the same thing...... izzit one sentence no feel can solve everything... izzit she so mind of how she feel while she didn't think of all this time how i feel..... izzit one sorry can make thing like never happen be4..... ya, of course for the person who wan to let go sure accept how it said... but did they ever think of the one who listen to it... did they ever care or think of how they feel..... wat i did wrong, does it so serious till that i must lost something that important in my life.....

ya, everybody in this world said im' wrong, i'm sturborn and everything... if is like this make them feel better.... i admit all the wrong... i'm just a rubbish... who care of how i feel... who care if anything happen to me... even the one that important to me didn't care how i feel... y should other care for it..... since the one who i love after she leave me, she ddin't even care for me a bit, especially when she have a 100 times better than me new bf...then i just have to wish they two live happily forever.... i'm just wat... i'm just a rubbish..... just a 'fei chai'.... there is nothing special in me... i'm just know eat, and sleep... in the past, if i ddin't find her, i think she never send a single sms to me.... not even one.. not even until the day i die....

honestly, i really miss the day that i everyday wait for her email... write our daily life, happy and unhappy thing in the email....... even though that time i'm not her bf...... but i feel knowing how she is in everyday make me feel more than enough... but now... i lost everything..... i lost until there isn't anything i can lost anymore... wat i left is my rubbish life.........

i know.... ppl say i keep not let down her will say i'm living in my own world, didn't think out of it, sturborn and many more... i know there are ppl who are more worst situation than me... but do they ever know how i feel...? do they know the pain i having? do they know how much effort and the heart i gave out? wat i gain in the end?....... nothing.... i lost.... i LOST everything in my life... y must i work hard.... even i work hard i can't be wif the one i really love in this world.....

easy for them to say when they have something they wan... even though not everything. especially those who doesn't need to waste any effort already gain wat other always wanted...... i really tired.... i tired of working so hard....... the cheer, the support that always
keep me stand up has lost.... wat's more that i have wif me............ i think even now i suddenly leave this world i dun think there is anything that i can't let down... coz i dun have anything to hold on anymore...... no dream to hold... no goal to achieve... not any single word that i need to say........ not anymore.... i'm just a nobody....... i'm just a rubbish that finish writen wrongly by someone and throw away and wait to recycle.........

just now i call her and chat for 13minit and 48 second... then she say she headache and wanted to sleep early... this time i know how to control my self, not like lastime, when i hear something i dun like i went crazy... i might a bit heart pain when she still dun accept me back but it's ok... at least i did ask and try my best, and i can't deny that i still love her...

after a while i sms her... then after about 40 minit, she reply me... actually i didn't expect she will reply, coz i didn't ask for it... however, we sms quite alot... and i did say alot thing wif logical and reasonable... wasn't like the past, i went crazy and onli say the same thing... i already learn how to control myself, and calm down myself... however, all this is thanks to her onli i know how to control myself... in the time we separate, i think through many thing... but there is thing still can't be change that who i am now, and i still love her...

i dunno y , but her thinking and believe got a bit slightly change after our long conversation in sms... i dunno izzit she get emotional or wat... but i hope she didn't... i will try to understand or think of wat she said to me just now but i also hope she think mine as well coz there is time we need to consider that if wat other ppl say is right or wrong...

i might be keep my emotion but i still can't get how i used to be... still can't be happy as i used to have... even get an A ins uch hard subject i dun even feel any happy or think of that my effort got result... my fren happy till jump up, i really wan to ask y they can be so happy , while i dun feel single happy in my heart at all... i just have a smile face on it but deep in side... there is a sadness that nobody can see it...

if i dun find her i know she won't find me at all... i wanted to know is she wanted to escape it so much from the thing between me and her... can't she face and take the responsible of wat she do and say... many thing easy to say but hard to do... action speak louder than word... i still believe in miracle no matter how... she said she dun believe in miracle anymore... she more believe in reality... is this real? then wat she write in her blog? not that i dun believe or suspect her... i onli dun wan she in order to escape our conversation or the truth and responsible she purpose say something not in her stance... but no matter how, i stil love her, and i will support her and care her as i can, as i could... i dun believe in fate, but i onli believe wat i believe...

coz i can sure and know wat i believe make me know wat is wrong and wat is right... while fate, u dun even know when is fate and when is not fate... when ppl happy they will say it's fate bring them together... when they separate, they say it fate that we can't be together... fate can't be fully trust... it just a word to make each other happy and it will hurt other as well... i wasn't deny wat happen to me... i accept but doesn't mean i give up... as long i believe in miracle, i wn't give up wat important to me... i might be stupid and i might be sturborn but i take responsible of wat i done...i know if i give up now i will regret for my whole life... this time i very clear wat i doing and wat i try to tell her...

lastly, i wan to say to her, that i really love her... i just need a last chance to let me proof to her that wat i said wasn't just use my mouth but i used my action to proof it as well... however, the main reason that i haven't give up wasn't wat i believe or wat i wanted to proof... is just an easy reason that i still love her deeply in my heart

It's been one week since that day i talk wif her... i was thinking all this time should i sms her...? wat should i sms her? i still confuse... actually i wanted to find her... talk to her directly... she suddenly find me, make me feel wanted to tell her wat really in my heart... actually after so long i didn't disturb her, did u ever forgive me? it going to be one year since the day i break wif her... all this year, i thinking wat i actually do wrong... i know i got wrong... but i keep think and think and think wat i do wrong... finally i atleast found an answer, the answer is i too control her... i know that's my biggest wrong... but in the same time i got my own reason... sometime i really afraid will lost her, i afraid she will leave me becoz i'm not good enough for her... maybe that's y i so scare that without notice i getting more and more control her... i not wan give myself reason about wat i did wrong... but i really think that way... if she gave me another chance... i promise i won't control her so much... i will believe her and trust her safety...

it's true that all this time i got nothing more than suffer... can't get wat i really wan.. can't protect wat i think important to me... i know, control her wasn't the only reason... i know there is more about it... i know i always do wrong more than do right... but i really didn't mean it... i really didn't mean it.... last chance is the onli thing i ask for....

she told me got miracle, she let me know there is really miracle... wat she said i believe even now... even after wat she said to me, i still believe her... can she gave me a chance? can she forgive me? can she dun hate me anymore... i know i do wrong but can she forgive me... can she start again wif me? that's all i ask... can she gave me a chance after all what i do for her? after how long and the effort i gave in... just that... can? i hope i can change her mind... proof that i really love her and change my bad habit... and i know she is the onli one can change me back to the way i was... i know... i still believe in her....