today she went back to kl... i wonder what is her reaction when she saw my letter and birthday present... but i guess the 1st thing she might do is find her new bf... well, i'm just nothing... present can leave later... she must save time for her family and her bf... not a nobody like me...

after that phone call i cry for 2 day and night... pretend to be usual when work... it's so suffer... doesn't want to eat... only think of her... keep question why she treat me like this... no matter how nice i treat her... how much i give her... it's never enough... because i'm not in her heart... she said i'm important... i should know her feeling toward me but in the end she with someone else... i feel like an idiot... thought that she will wait for me... do eveyrthing for her.. give the best i had to her... in the end... this is my result... being abandon again... even though she said she will find me... will chat again... but i ask myself is this what i want? can i pretend nothing happen and chat like usual? once again i need to look at the one i love in someone else arm...

i admit i jealous of that... include sad as well... i unable to stand see she with someone else when she leave me behind... i really can't stand it... my heart full of pain...

on my birthday, when kar hong, kim san and me on the way to take the cake we saw someone accident being run by a car... the lady just lying on the street... no blood... but in that instant i wish that person was me... i was so sad that i doesn't want to live anymore... i live for her, i done everything for her but in the end i can't be with her... she far more important to me compare to my parent... i wish i had accident either i dead or coma or lost memory... it's so pain.....

i want to tell her that i work so hard because i want to travel around with her... i plan to bring her to see the harry potter castle... then go to switzerland because she might like the snow... then i want to take her to paris where many girl like it since it call the romantic country... and lastly i take her to disneyland in paris... i don't mind i spend all my hard work during this one year just to travel with her... because she important to me... after that i will go back to malaysia with her and work hard again... i even thought of if possible i want send her to oxford uni because is her dream...

at the same day, kim san saw the swarovski bag in my room... ask if i bought it for who... i just being honest and tell them... kim san said that the money i earn wasn't come from the heaven or pick it on the floor... i know what she means... the money i earn is very painful... i been through many thing in order to get money to buy present to yee ling and take her to travel... they even scold me i didn't spend anything on my parent while i bought an expensive birthday present to her without a second thought..... i didn't say anything... i just being quiet and smile... and then i said because yee ling important to me..... and is worth... they said what if she important to me... did she call me during my birthday? did she give me anything during my birthday? the only thing i answer is because i work now so is diff... while she still studying so it's nothing... as long as she did say happy birthday to me... i dind't mention anything about the chat i had with yee ling before i went to meet kim san and kar hong... i dind't tell them i cry for her... i hid my pain in my heart... just for myself...

yee ling said that ronnie done alot for her... i was thinking then what izzit that all this time i doing? wasn't for her? or not as good as him? well, i know if compare i never able to win any guy that around her... but i dare to say that i'm the only one who love her with all my heart...

when my parent and kar hong and kim san ask me to join them to travel in europe... i rejected... told that i was busy working and doesn't have holiday and doesn't have money... i actually lie to them... i have holiday and money... but i was saving to use when yee ling accept to come uk to travel with me... i done everything for her just to let her know that i willing do anything for her... i want to let her know i earn my own money... i give yee ling happinese with my own hand... not by my parent or anyone... i diff from those who give yee ling present and happinese without throught their own hand... i admit i jealous when yee ling accept other but not me... all my hard work is nothing... seeing my parent and kar hong and kim san photo made me jealous. it was the photo when they travel around... everyone travel around the world with this chance... and what am i doing? waiting for someone who will never come... i laugh and tears each time when i face this fact... she will never travel with me... not now..... i feel so sad... all my hard work end in nothing but dust..... i learn that hard work doesn't have a good result....

now i got only two road infront of me... return malaysia with the same sadness when i leave malaysia... second, stay in uk and study just to postphone the time i go back malaysia... i study not because i want... i study because the same reason i had during i leave malaysia... doesn't want to see the one i love with someone else and doesn't want cause any trouble to her... and hope that time will let me forget her... but i learn that even i leave malaysia for 10 years i will still never able to forget her... because i realise leaving malaysia made me love her more and more... my feeling toward her is read and sincere... even in future i with someone else, i know yee ling is still in my heart... and she always be the one i love most.......

i don't know will she find me during the time she back kl... maybe she spend time with those she thing important... early this year i still believe the word she said that i'm important to her... but now i don't know what in her mind... too be honest i can't bare the feeling that seeing her with someone else... since the day i leave malaysia i already took a road that i doesn't want...

until now i still so stupid hoping that she came back to me... i know is impossible... what the point forcing her to come back to me if deep down her heart if she doesn't love me.... i don't know what should i do... i doesn't want her to be with somone but i doesn't want to force her be with me if she doesn't love me... i so selfish... i feel so pain..... what i did wrong? all i did was to give her happiness... why i had to go through this pain... why? izzit wrong to give happinese to someone i love?

i really love yee ling... i never did betray her... not even a second..... for the past 4 years i tears for her and only her..... i hope she will understand my feeling... never break her word anymore... it really painful each time she break her word with me... i miss her... i feel lonely without her... i want to hold her hand and hug her like the time when we together......