it's seem that everyone else has already slept and i'm the only one who still awake... it's 3am here... while malaysia is 11am... becoz of the project i have to keep awake... well, even though i sleep also not really a good thing though... few weeks ago i was busy with my assignment that i didn't think about much other thing and just straight went to sleep or a fews day before the hand in date i didn't sleep for 2 whole day straight... but i still think of her that time... but not much... i only know that when i think of her and i feel pain...

this few day i begin to think of her alot again... like how it used to be... nothing changes, everything still the same... just now Estelle told me that 'she' didn't reply anything when she sms 'her' but that's something i already expected... anyways, either she reply a not thing are still the same... what important that i did send a sms to her, even though i ask Estelle to help me do it... i wonder what she doing now... working? dating? hmm.... maybe something else with her one that important to her... well, obvious that wasn't me. eve though she said i was in the 'past'...

i getting confuse all the time... the more i confuse the more i hate to think complicated thing... when things get complicated, just make things worst... do people really enjoy when their 'outside' really look to be enjoy but the 'inside' wasn't enjoy at all... lying to myself... lying to others... maybe that's human nature... no matter who the person is, i just keep lying... but weather i telling the truth is not important to them... because i lying to myself.....

i felt so lonely... so pain... lost the way to go forward... hahaha, really useless... Kenneth, u just a useless rubbish that someone doesn't want you anymore... don't hope for anything... just keep on living like a rubbish... cry like a baby... no one will hope for you now... no one will cheer for u... no one will count on u anymore... no one will think that u important to them... no one will share the 'miracle' u once believe... no one... there is no one anymore... becoz the one had already left you behind... the one had walk forward b leaving you behind... leaving the one that doesn't wanted to move forward... useless Kenneth will never move forward...

it's seem that tonight will be another night that same as ever night... well, another day will be coming... and just walk so that i keep on survive even though i don't really hope to survive... even though i write all this rubbish thing in my blog... i won't deny that i lying in this blog as well...such as in my heart i still hoping a little 'miracle' but it seem that this time the miracle won't be so easy to obtain... unless the moon fall down from the sky... as if i hoping the miracle in the same time i hoping that i can die now.....

all i can do is wait and wait and wait... only two thing that i wait... one is miracle and one is death... maybe i should add that i wait her mail for 2 year... but none that send to me... well, i'm not her important anymorw not sending a mail to me is normal... especially who would send email to a person that useless like me... haha... forget it lah kenneth... better concentrate your project... you already useless, don't becoz of what trouble you now made the whole group fail with you... if want fail also you yourself only fail lah... hahaha... better continue my work now......

Yee ling, i miss u alot...

very long that i didn't write blog... so busy... so stress... however, i still the same... confuse... i get back some of my result of my assignment... and it doesn't look really well... all the mark not what i expected... atleast not fail... but still is dissapointing... few days ago, suan cheng told me that i didn't do my best... if i did i might get the best mark... i wonder izzit that i didn't do my best... izzit i didn't give my effort out? hahaha..... maybe i did put effort but not 100%...

without knowing myself, i doesn't want to put my 100% in... not anymore... i don't want to face the same situation... when doing something with all your ur heart and all your effort... what u expect never came... it's ok that never came but what worst is that i lost something important to me... i didn't gain but lost... i don't want to face that anymore... no point... no use... knowing that unable to gain what u expected makes u feel down... together lost something important in my life makes me feel want die... seeing someone important to you go away with someone else makes u feel so pain that u wanted to die right away...

This few day i kept dreaming about her... thinking about her at night... i don't know why... but i feel missing, loneliness and pain... all i have to do is be honest . honest about how i feel. even i might get hurt.

all sound ceases. when the night cold, air fills the room... i lie awake, holding my blanket and that when it's happen. i feel like crying. like my heart slowly breaking... a sorrowful and unshakeable loneliness. that sense of loneliness rise from the within of my heart.

it might be stupid that sometime i even thinking her with that guy... tears again flowing out from my tears... slide through my cheek and again another night fill with pain and sadness...

it's already another year... but thing never change... it's still the same..... i waiting for her sms but i didn't receive... maybe i'm not that important to receive her sms... maybe i should just disappear...

it's really funny when thing turn out to be like this... sometime i don't know that i should laugh or should i cry... hahaha..... really confuse... i laugh myself being so stupid, so worthless and undependable hahaha..... stupig really worthless... the name never wrong... each time i laugh, tears will come together... i know i actually wanted to cry but i laugh to cover myself... being left alone... haha... what i am to her now actually? i really wanted to know... she with someone else... i know who but still i keep on being like an idiot... unable to get with it, still haven't give up... still holding a broken promise... still holding the impossible promise... and remember the word she said to me... and the faith that she put in me.... it's been two year i tears for her... i wonder how much have i tears.... how long should i tears more... Yee ling, will u cry for me? haha, i think u won't... there's only few times that u ever tears becoz of me... when u receive my mail, u tears becoz i touch ur heart... knowing i still haven't give up on u and believe in u.... the next one is when u fall down hurt ur hand becoz u wanted to fullfill one of my demand... i still remember hearing u cry that time make my heart very pain... the another one is ur mum force u to leave me... then when the time u want break wif me, n the last one, is becoz i crazy for u till u scare and cry...... that's so much i remember till now...

Yee Ling, now i realise that why i am so different from before... maybe it's stupid to say it out... but u really did change me... in the past, u always said that i gave surprise to u and i always made u happy... do u know? that i never intend to gave u any surprise that time... in my heart all this time i just wanted to do something made u smile... when i see u smiling, i'm able to forget all the bad things... so..... without knowing myself i always made u smile no matter how embarrassed thing i done or said for you... as long as knowing u smile and laugh...... but now..... i don't know should i cry or should i smile... i feel so suffer... no matter what i do, where i go and what i see, i always will think of u... but..... knowing u doesn't want or need me anymore make me sad... thinking of the past makes me feel so warm at that time. n thinking of who u being now make me feel so cold in my heart...

i know keep on like this will affect my study... or i should said that all this time it is affect my study... doing my assignment alone in the night... do till half way, crying of u not beside me anymore... pressure all over me but i act that i'm alright... keep let other know that i was actually can take up the pressure... being not really who i am... i don't know when will i crumble... but i know one day i will crumble for sure... hearing other laugh out from the heart but i only from the face not from the heart... my heart is crying as if the tears are blood, flowing out from my heart becoz there's a knife stabbing in it deeper and more deeper...

Yee Ling, wat are u doing now? izzit u wif him celebrate the chinese new year? while i being alone at here waiting for u? everyday i keep on wait for ur email everyday everynight... and knowing u did on9 but u on9 onli wanted to send something to ur bf makes me tears... know that u got send to other but i'm the only one who never receive me really wanted to laugh out loud...hahaha... i really wish that i could just disappear... each time ask myself question but answer are never be there... maybe becoz knowing the answer won't do anything...

yee ling, i never forget what u wish for in ur birthday on 2004... Yee ling, till now i still love u... i want to say all this to u but i doesn't have the courage say all this to u... write at here is all i can do the best... i miss u, bee bee bee = smile smile smile........ this is the word we always said to each other... it's strange that no matter how suffer i keep on wait for u, knowing it might destroy my life but..... i just wanted to be true to myself... but useless ppl and rubbish ppl shouldn't talk all about life... maybe that's y u left me alone and follow someone who are 100... no... 1000 times better than me... ya, girl as good as u maybe being wif me is just nothing but a waste of time... but till now, i feel that be wif u is the most happy time i have in my life... thanks.... i really love u yee ling... happy chinese new year... i wish u happy and healthy always... i love u

To all my friend, i know... Nothing good will come of keeping her in my heart... only pain. But to give it up would be painful... To keep it or get rid of it... Either is painful, so i would rather suffer to keep it

don't know why, i getting alot of headache this day... especially when i sleep and when i wake up... this morning i'm feel so pain that i unable to wake up at all... i awake but unable to get up coz the had too pain... now i also feel the pain... already headache all day 2day... don't know wat happening to me...

maybe i'm just to stress..... all the pressure is getting together...... haizzz... dunno how long i able to bear this... hope is not long... well, nothing is more pain than my heart..... really can't stand it... need to get some sleep now... my head as if going to crack off soon...

getting more and more confuse and lost now... well, i'm already lost and loss since that day........ just that thing getting more worst..... well, rubbish always rubbish..... nothing will change when being treat like a rubbish.....

alot assignment is coming... getting more pressure..... sometime also feel frustrated. head always keep pain... as well as my heart..... i wonder how i get my wishes..... really wish to die... so suffer..... i glad atleast at here i still get some laughter, wif my fren together... but i know all this won't last long... one day, everyone will have their own road to walk...

they got their future..... i dun think i need one..... i dunno my future... dunno my dream... dunno my motive or goals.... i got nothing but my lives...... if can, i wan give my live to anyone who needed it... i dun need it... without pride, dream, and goals in my life there isn't anything worth to keep on living..... so wat if i study hard? so wat if i get rich? so wat if i successful? is this wat i wan... NO!!! this isn't wat i want... the onli simple thing i want i unable to get it.....

i thanks to those who keep on cheering me up and care about me...... thanks alot.... but sometime i feel i not worth to have those caring and cheering........ another year... maybe another sadness.... or sadness that keep on increasing...... i dun need god to help me... i need death help me... take my soul...... i dun have anything left wif me... just take my onli thing left, my lives... just take it....

getting alot of pressure... but i keep act that i'm alright and keep act as i'm ok... but is so tough... is so unbelievable pain in the heart..... 2day, we all go buy ingredient for one week dinner as usual... when we walking to morrison, suddenly kar hong ask me about yee ling... ask me izzit she got a bf now... i dunno what makes him suddenly ask me this kind of question but it's really makes me unhappy... i know she got a bf now... i know who it is as well... the onli thing i answer him 'yes, she got a bf while she study upper six'........ i dunno y.....my heart feel empty..... feel so cold.....2day i don't know y i felt cold for whole day even when i'm in the house... the other doesn't feel so but i did...linda also said to me 'when everyone cold, u dun feel cold at all, when everyone doesn't feel very cold then u say u cold'..... am i getting weird? or pressure make me going to crazy......

in dinner, suddenly they said the person i mostly like is girl who is cute..... but the person i have in my friendster is different than what i really like... of course they don't really know what girl i really like..... they onli making assumption... they never notice and i never let them notice that's why is different from what they think.... it's becoz i lying to myself.... i keep ask them intro girl and keep say this girl and that girl.... all this becoz want to let them think that i already fine since yee ling left me.... i don't want other to worry me... that's y i keep on pretend, keep on as if i add the girl in my friendster is to know other ppl... it's really hard....... unable to be who i am.....i onli can tell my pain to some of my fren in msn..... but still......

Yee ling, u know how painful i am? do u know everyday everynight i keep on waiting for ur msg? waiting for ur mail like how is used to be...... but u never send once at all... i know who is the guy u with now... i know what u send to him in his friendster..... ya, it's pain when i saw and read it..... it's funny that the person who gave in everything gets nothing..... not even one msg........ i onli get it when i done something..... i even want to know that did u even put a little heart in it when u sms me that u receive my sms or my card.... even when my phone out of credit i will still keep try to send one sms to you and say happy new year to you, i dunno y i did so..... but just that i wanted to say happy new year to you but not as kenneth but as stupig.... i really want to know..... can u tell me ur intention when u made a promise wif me? can u tell me that did u really intend to keep the promise? what are you thinking when u said all those words in the past?

the person i always trust and believe that never lie to me has already did it....... yee ling, you should know that i can't smile alone. if you not with me, there's no meaning for me to smile or laugh.......

now u on9, i open the conversation but i didn't dare to talk to you..... izzit u chatting with him?with ur bf? or u writing another comment to him again? do u know the one you say important to you in the past is crying now? do u know he is waiting you? do u know he cry everynight just by thinking of u? do u know he feel empty all this time? do u know he still waiting for u? do u know he wait you for day and night?

if you really chatting wif him happily now, do u know the once that important to u is crying infront of the comp...? did u ever notice that? did u even care about it?

cherry, i'm sorry... i promise that i forget her and dun think about her but i break my promise... i think i also the one who break promise..... but i did my very best, i really did so but...... maybe i'm just useless.... i dun have the right to say others...... maybe i should deserve this.... cherry, hope u forgive me... i'm sorry......