happy chinese new year to myself... a new year... should my new sentence be a new beginning or a new nightmare...

i don't know... but either which one i don't think any different at all... good thing might just an illusion to me... since i always been in a dream... when i woke up... everything became unpleasant reality. fake , lie, selfish, everything happen infront of my eyes.....

valentine day... i always hope to be with her at this special day... but never ever those day will come anymore... sad...

i feel so tired from work today... pain all over my body... either inside or outside i feel pain as well...

new year...... nothing new to me

am i happy with my life now? deep down my heart, i still feel pain and sadness........ so hard to live... hard to breath... sometime life means nothing to me anymore... my happiness.... where it gone... am i having happiness now? i only laugh at during with someone else... when i'm alone i don't feel like want to smile at all... as if it was all lie when i smile... my true feeling is sad and lonely...

the happiness i always wait is gone...

another few hour one year will be pass... again i waste one year on someone who abandon me... i care her when she in great sadness... but what she done for me when i in great sadness... yeah, she did something... she the one who cause the great sadness for me... she happy with ronnie... she won't be happy with me... nobody will like a rubbish... all her smile in the pic... all the blog she write about him... haha... kenneth... face the fact... you being abandon AGAIN!!!!! she used you again... you are nothing...

kenneth in 2010 again walk to find the place for his own death... walk his life for someone that never ever will care him again... for her kenneth been walk the road that he never wish for it... kenneth walk just like a zombie.. no lilfe, no destination........

another 20 minute will be christmas... but the feeling is different from last year... what was it? yeah... that time i wasn't alone.. someone was chatting with me for the whole night... but now... that person leave me again for someone else... i don't want care and don't want know... but sometime i just can't stop the feeling... the feeling of keep knowing... the more i know the more pain i will get...

this year i will spend a lonely christmas again... does she know how i'm feeling now? of course not... she wouldn't even bother a nobody like me... yeah!!! she got her own happiness... while me, i got my own loneliness...

all those wound i get from her... all those wound i get from work.. i keep asking myself why? selfish? choose the best one? being betray? greed? i don't really know... what i know is the happiness i been chasing for so many years has been gone... just not long ago... the same time as now but it was one year ago, i thought the happiness i'm waiting has finally shine on me... but who know that was only a fake light... fake hope and fake word given by someone that i always believe.... in the end i being left behind... left alone........

merry christmas kenneth... even though some of them say happy christmas to me... but deep down my heart it still as cold as the snow... pain like two knife stab on it... what am i still waiting? am i a guy who wait the one i'm love? or am i a guy who wait someone that love me? or am i a guy looking for a place to die... that's all........

天快亮了
能不能別離開呢
沉默像首悲傷的歌 無聲視線卻模糊了
你要走了 也帶走所有快樂
甜蜜的片段散落了 你倦了 心冷了 我哭了
那流星閃過 我們許下一個願望
要在一起 絕不分離 你怎麼放棄了
星空在閃爍 像你的眼淚 悄悄劃過
當你放開了手 離開的時候 有沒有一點捨不得我
淚光在閃爍 而我的眼淚 忍住不敢 墜落
我還留在黑暗中守候 你卻已經遠遠 離開我

離開我了 夢醒了還剩什麼
我要的幸福消失了 你的心曾經屬於我的
那流星閃過 我們許下一個願望

要在一起 絕不分離 你怎麼放棄了
星空在閃爍 像你的眼淚 悄悄劃過
當你放開了手 離開的時候 有沒有一點捨不得我
淚光在閃爍 而我的眼淚 忍住不敢 墜落
我還留在黑暗中守候 你卻已經遠遠 離開我
有過的快樂我都還記得 回憶旋轉著
愛怎麼停了 我們都淚了

星空在閃爍 你的眼淚 悄悄劃過
當你放開了手 離開的時候 有沒有一點捨不得我
淚光在閃爍 而我的眼淚 忍住不敢 墜落
我還留在黑暗中守候 你卻已經遠遠 離開

i lost everything... god... are you enough making fun of me? are you happy with what i have now? then can you grant me a wish... i wish to end my life here... i don't care how or what... i had enough... i just a selfish and childish idiot... now i only wish to die... i doesn't want a new life... i don't want born as a human or even animal... i just want to end everything... disappear...

she said before that im' a sun to her... no.. .i'm not a sun... i just a piece of rock that she pick me up on the floor.... sun is noble... sun is mighty... sun give ppl future and had it's own duty of future... but i just a piece of rock... just waiting for ppl to step on and break... become a more small piece of rock...

now i know she doesn't love me all this time... she pity me... hahaha... kenneth the rubbish finally being pity... i wonder what i had done wrong... i lost everything.. i just being made fun... i'm nothing.. i can't gain anything... i won't have any future... i'm just a piece of shit... i don't need anyone care me anymore... i just a selfish person... i got nothing... i useless... just let me die... cancer... accident or anything...

i don't want anything... i dont' want future, dream, money, life, family or fren... i don't need anything or anymore... i just want to die... pls... let me end now and here.....

i won't have a future... it's end here... she never love me... i being pity... she never meant about it... i just a stepping stone... yeah.. .in the world of reality those who idiot are being step on... i nothing... if he treat her nice theni don't have to say or wish anything else...

kenneth soon is nothing nothing nothing................................. she won't care me... she won't love me... yeah... i selfish... i only want she be my gf and someone i love... not friend or anyhitng... she right... everyone right and i'm all wrong... i wrong since she left me... i wrong since i was born..... kenneth soon always wrong.... kenneth soon really is just a stupig.....

today during my rest time i didn't went to sleep... because she online... she online in her facebook... i don't know what should i do... i just stare at the computer at that time... i keep see what she doing... she if she write anything... see if she write any blog... and see if she find me... but she didn't... i ask myself have she read the letter and the present i send to her... then why didn't she reply me? why didn't she talk me... i don't know what should i do... i keep look at it until she offline...

i was thinking did she chat with ronnie? did she think of him? i don't know why ... maybe i jealous.. maybe i selfish... i admit... i admit i am... feel so naive... after all happen... i still hope she nice to me... she come back to me... but... will that day come? i ask myself if one day she in trouble like the lastime, will i care about her? i know i will... i never leave her behind no matter what... because i love her deep down my heart... i waiting for her even now... even know it's impossible...knowing miracle will never happen... i just feel so regret that i never back during that time... i should never stay here...

sometime i just wish suddenly she appear infront of me... hope she care about me... i hope to hug her like lastime... and this time i will never let her go anymore... i need her sholder... to shear my tears.... there is once i think if one day i meet her, and we able to be together again... will i feel happy and hold her hand... no... i won't... because i want to hug her and cry as much as i want... because i feel so suffer for the time i wait for her... at the same time i feel that all my suffer is pay off.... because she back by my side... but now... .i don't think such thing will happen again...

in her blog she said she will not leave ronnie behind... this sentence she said to me once... but... now... i being left behind and she say the same sentence to someone else... the diff is that she really dind't leave him... she leave me behind.... did she leave me behind? i do'nt even know... i only know i feel lonely again... she didn't call me or sms me... i wait and wait and wait... just like 3 years ago... feel hopeless... i thought we can together again but she threw me back to the same situation again... i don't know why... what is real and what is fake? can anyone tell me? what i did wrong?

i not sure that being with her is right or wrong but one thing i sure that i never regret being with her... because i really love her.. she the only one i love most... i know i wo'nt love anyone else as much as her..... i really hope she still care about me... and one day she will back by myside... and i hope soon...

yee ling, i really sad... where are you again? you say you will never leave by myside... you will always by my side no matter happy or sad..... why you leave me again...