i wish i could die now... i dun mind being heaven or hell.... i dun wan be who i am... i dun wan being like this anymore... i dun wan to be betray or cheated by someone i love most....... i dun wan...........

kar hong and kim san is happily chatting in the room... i dun wan disturb them.... being sadness or lonely...... i dun wan to make other unable have their happiness.... i keep staying in the living room..... maybe im jealouse but i dun wan to destroy other people happiness....

finally.... i know it.... i know who..... it's so painful....... everytime the more i know the more pain i getting... this time the pain i felt is unbearable.... y i wan try to know it... why....tell me y..... i feel so pain....... as if i want to die now..... 2day is christmas... but what i get.... sadness is all i get...... painful...... what can i say more..... being cheated.... being lie....... being stupid........ now i know.... all this time i'm nothing..... i actually a rubbish...... kenneth is a rubbish.... nothing but a rubbish..... when will i die.... can it be more faster......

so this is what people always call as no choice..... just becoz u born of lack of those good or better thing, then u lost all...... just becoz u unable to do it u become abandon by the other after being used......... after being abandon u nothing but just a useless paper......... n i being born that way.... since the day i being useless to her... i'm nothing but a rubbish.... now i know wat my fate is......

dun say when thing don't belongs to ur then is not ur.... this is just an excuse....... then u tell me, people work far for wat.... people being loyal to something for wat...... in the end, they onli get what not urs then is not urs..... if like this work hard is pointless.... just sit and wait ur destiny come........ now i know my destiny is being useless.........

in the past, i thought being support by her, being encourage by her and being by her side, everything is not imposible..... but now.... it's change.... just becoz i lack of something..... i'm just nothing....... i'm just a piece of junk now.......... kenneth, face it... u just a piece of worthless junk......

finally i have my chance to write my blog... all this time i been busy. no time to write my blog but now i having holiday... however, i doesn't feel great or happy....... plus, i feel sad....... my heart feel pain.... i dunno wat to do sometime... every night, my tears keep coming out... there isn't a day that my tear won't come from my eyes......... being lonely....... cold.......

2day i have sent a card to her.... but i dunno will it reach her... or wat will she react when yee ling receive it... maybe it was nothing to her.... i'm not important anymore........ i maybe once be the one important to her but now it wasn't....... she already change another person to be her important one...... i'm just a mere rubbish........

i drink beer..... but i won't get to drunk... honestly, i want to get drunk.... how it's feel of being that....... will it feel better....... but atleast i can get a better sleep..... no tear when i sleep, i wish that the beer will do the effect but it's not........

sometime i wish that i unable to on9....... when there is net, i can't stop myself on looking something... even thought there are numerous times that i stop myself but still... i unable to do it...... in the end i will look to that website...... the more i want to see the more i get hurt.... i know wat i might see in that website.... and wat i might found out.... it's true that it increase my sadness.... but i unable to control myself.........

i'm useless.... i really wish that i'm not in this world.... there are ppl choose to forget something or someone to have a better life or being happy... but there are also ppl who keep on wait and remember even it's keep on hurting them.... for the worst until the end of the life the person might get nothing...... never give up..... but i want to know..... what are the point.... what are the meaning.... maybe i will just take it as becoz of stupid...... becoz i'm a stupid and idiot and uselss person that can't be safe....... therefore my nickname as stupig suit me.......

maybe they write... i'm just a piece of shit........ a piece of shit that pluck with a flower........ maybe that's who i am..... bear the sadness.... bear the loneliness....... unable to be happy.... that's wat i choose... this is all becoz of how useless i am and how idiot i am..... being a fool... being play by other like a fool........

christmas is coming.... can i wish for something..... santa, will u grant my wish.....? i wish to be dead....... i wish i never been here or for wat i have done..... becoz nothing come when being work hard..... nothing come for watever u done........ and i don't wan being control by fate.... if my fate is like this then i wan change my fate.... let me death is the proof of i wanted to change my fate.......

no matter how long i wait, there will never a single mail will she sent to me.... no matter how stupid i am, i also still waiting.... i wonder y... i wonder how i able to keep this up....... y i keep wait....... i might keep wishing for it but still never come.... she might always remember me when i did something...... i'm not in her mind neither her heart..... just that i'm so stupid..... so stupid..... kenneth is a stupid and useless person....... onli know do stupid thing... onli know cry..... wat else he know.... ya, there nothing he know.... he just a complete idiot who always lie by other and play by other..... he won't blame other becoz this is the reality..... but he keep on living in the dream till the day he dead.... the dead that he always wish for......

last two day i have a dream... i can't see anything in my dream but i heard a voice. a voice that i know. it is yee ling... she saying something... the thing she said to me same as that night... those word, those conversation keep poping up in my dream... i dun wan listen to it... i wan wake up... i dun wan hear any of those conversation..... then i woke up... i felt so cold that time... suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. those words still in my mind... i tears...y i have such dream... y it keep hunt on me... i hate myself... i really hate myself......

i quite moody on that day when i wake up but i have to keep smile... keep to be fine...

yesterday, i went to a show in the college. it was about 'beauty and the beast'. the show was really nice... is a great performance. the little kid that sit infront of me cried when the beast was about to die... that kid really cute but it was really a great performance. i spend 2.50 pound on it and i think is worth.

in the show, it's remind of me last year when yee ling went to prompt night... i know she got act in a show in dancing... it's remind me about that time... of course, it's not something that make me smile... however, sometime i can't control my own mind... i feel being left behind that time.

after nextweek, i will have holiday. the actual plan was to visit london and have a look during the christmas but due to all the assignment the plan has cancel. haizzz... i feel so pressure... there isn't anything i can speak out my heart... there isn't anything i can do to make me feel better.... feel so suffer... where is joy... where is love... and where is peace..... i feel so cold......

2day i very unhappy... i dunno y and dunno how. it just that i felt so down.. i dun really have the stable mind and confident to do my work... so confuse...

in this world, everything is balance... when there is good then there is bad... when there is light, there is dark... when there is smart person then there will be a stupid person... i dunno i lucky or i'm not unlucky that i have taken the role of being an stupid person... well, that's normal for me... since it's the fact that i'm stupid...

people always say that ppl with left handed is smart ppl... but i think they wrong... or maybe i more special for being left hand and stupid... in order to survive this world, human need knowledge, tricky, and many reality way to keep on survive... one more thing is the most important, that is luck... it's obvious that i dun have luck... i not trying to take gamble as a test of my luck but in reality life... in daily life, or in my whole life... i dun really feel that i'm lucky but there is a time i feel very lucky... that was the time i being with 'her'... i really feel that i'm very lucky that time... but now... it's not... maybe it was 'her' who giving me luck but after she left me... there isn't anymore.

i really wanted to know who i really am... i changed since that day... i'm a different person... i'm a person who lost everything... not even one thing that i able to think that i haven't lost... other than my life... but i dun really need one... i really wish the god will strike a thunder at me... and just let me either go to hell or heaven... either won't be matter since i lost everything...

if u ask me wat i wan then i onli can say i wan to be backmy old self... become the me that time... i want to back that time... the one who i really was... but i know it's impossible... so i rather have a wish that the god will strike me to death... if go oversea is a oppurtunities then i rather give this chances to someone more worth... if is possible i would rather let this chance for estelle or someone that able to do better than me... rather waste all the thing in me... in someone that been called useless and worthless...

Just now i receive Yee Ling sms. i was very happy when suddenly she her name in my phone. but i didn't reply coz my phone out of credit. then i felt strange that why will she suddenly sms me. then i wonder izzit that the present i gave her has reach her.

my mind start to think stupid thing. i wondering if i never gave her the present or the present didn't reach to her 2day. will she sms me? will she just have the feeling sms to me be4 she sleep? or just becoz the present only she sms me? i know i'm very stupid. i know i very stupid in thinking of such question.

when i receive her sms was the time i need to let my lecturer to see my draft of my work. honestly, after gave him look at my draft i feel very down. because need to rewrite my work again. as for my fren, they seem to be don't have problem. well, it's been like this everytime. i always the last one no matter in wat..... haizzz..... together with my thinking just now... i feel my heart very pain...

now i sitting infront of the college computer. i have the feeling of sad... my heart very pain... i very confuse.... really confuse.... i don't know what should i do.......... that time i should have don't come here..... maybe i should have just.........

I feel myself so useless... Yee Ling, wat will do? wat will u said to me if u know about this? but maybe u will never know..... maybe u right or the world was right that i not suitable for you... a useless guy like me shouldn't be wif you... not enough for you... i might as well just... be dissapear or something...

But Yee Ling, i never felt useless or being alone when i was with you, not just when we together but together before we be together... thanks alot... atleast that was the time i feel that i'm successful but i think i never feel that anymore in my life since the day u leave me, i been a failure since the day u leave me......... however, thanks... i know that you are the only one for me but maybe in this life i'm not for you . maybe dream and miracle that the only thing is left for me but this two thing never happen... especially to a guy that useless... and that is me...

This few day i been busy with my college work. just last tuesday i did my work till 4.30am only went to sleep. then the next day at 9am have to wake up for class. ya, this few day the assignment really give us alot of pressure and difficulty. don't know how to manage it properly.

this few day also the line have been cut down. unable to use my line at all. only can write mail and blog when i still in the college. all my fren are almost finish the assigment. but i still half or more than half still need to do... haizzz, really getting confuse. don't know how to write more in this assignment...

tuesday tat night... i do until i suddenly think of her. if i still contact wif her and she know i do my assingment so late she must be scolding me. same as when i still study in BAC, sometime she scold me sleep late... but that's show she concern me but i know now it must be something wont get it anymore. i still remember the mail she send to me... while she having SPM that time i still got email her even though i know she unable to reply me. same as now, but the different is it won't be the same as that time.

i really miss her a lot... the only thing that accompany me is the scaft she gave me... i wrap it around my neck when i study. it's warm... i really wan to tears... and i did tears that night. i miss her very much...

last night, the landlady asked who was the one who still on the light at around 4am. i think there isn't anyone other than me... but lucky she didn't see me tears... that's lucky. i didn't know that time she was looking at the house. anyway, as long as she didn't know what i'm doing that time is alright.

today got again i receive tons of assignment... it's really a great headache..... Yee ling, i actually wanted to sms you and ask how u doing? how is ur exam doing? and many... more than the last time when u did spm... do u still remember the one who always pray and cheer for you when u in important exam... i think maybe the one important wasn't me anymore... even though she said be4 in the past that i'm very important for her in her heart........ i wanted to .....................