few day ago i went to buy a set of formal wear for both work and graduation ceremony. when suan cheng trying his own set. suddenly my memory flash back. there is one time i ask her that what colour she think of me. she say yellow because i'm like a sun to her... a bright sun. i never forget what she said to me that time. without notice, i got hold of one yellow long sleeve formal shirt. without having a doubt i bought it without have a second thought. i'm not really sure what i'm doing that time. i as if spacing out.

being alone is not easy. but i know i'm not totally alone for now... but in future it might be. i felt that i getting less to speak out while i have alot of thinking. no matter where or when... my mind will keep on thinking. and the thing that i'm thinknig is no other than 'that'... yeah, it's really truly suffering. acting strong but actually nothing but a weak person...

truth always are cruel.........

yesterday i saw her online... as usual i kept quiet and i went out for a walk, wish that when i'm back she in offline state... going to be 3 year soon... being alone for so long... losing someone important is pain... many people asking me when i'm going back... even myself don't know do i want to back... are there anything worth for me to go back but in the same time, are there anything worth for me to stay... no matter where i go, is all the same... nothing different...

until recently i realise that i never heard my phone ring tone for very long. it feel so lonely... it use to ring alot. atleast once a day. but now it won't ring once a month... others talk to their dear one while what i have is a photo... i got nothing.....

I wonder am i really happy now? am i really laughing with my friends? am i acting? or am i hiding? i not sure of myself... i laugh but my heart will feel sorrow and loneliness in the same time. i not sure am i really laughing from my heart. i not sure what i should do. everyday i keep asking myself again and again. what should i do... what is my purpose for existing? till now this question still in my mind everyday. sometime i keep on lie to myself on many thing. laugh to cover my own sadness. smile to act that i'm ok. but i'm not... what is stupig and what is stupid... was it just a dream? was it just a game? or it was me who take it too seriously? or it might be i'm too stupid not to understand what i should really do? everyday feeling depressed. bad thing keep coming. sadness keep increasing. and loneliness getting more cold.

everyday i keep on thinking of her. thinking of her making me both happy and sad. and obviously sad are more than happy. sadness come from the happiness. my question always come from happiness to sadness. wonder why thing change. wonder am i really nothing.

i have nothing but to keep on act. not being the old self but being the fake person for the rest of my life. no dream to chase. i don't feel it worth it even i achieve my dream. because i lost something that more important than my dream..... losing it means losing everything... all i get is nothing..... all i get is nothing but fake...

This morning i receive her msg in msn. A msg that never change in this one year. word and meaning are the same as always. Also, she write a new blog as well. i begin to feel more how worthless i am. how stupid i am to keep on waiting. after i read the blog, i'm speechless. my heart feel the pain. thousand of knife keep stab into my heart. What am i? i'm lost... what i'm been doing all this time. what is this... what a piece of shit am i.

miracle... what is that? i don't believe it... i don't believe in miracle... not now... forever...

Snow blanket everything in white. If there is sorrow, snow will softy surround you... If there is happiness, snow will decorate it gently... Silently, the snow keep falling...

Finally finish my exam and yesterday i just back from London... i never expect that London would be this complex. now i kinda confuse on what i want to do from now onward, maybe becoz i don't have dream or don't have any goal.

few day before exam, i send a card for her and something together with the card... well, reach to her a not i not sure but i just hope will reach to her... to be honest after she receive i don't expect anything at all... haha... well, i'm nothing to her in the 1st place. anyway, atleast more or less i doing something i wan to... atleast better than nothing...

i don't know what kind of life will i face from now on... good or bad... well, i more expect to be bad more than good since that nothing good always come to me... haizzz, now in London unable to get any job... having a hard life without happiness.... but some ppl having a hard life but with happiness in it... that's something that i wanted... but i don't think i will achieve it in my life... coz my happiness not with my anymore...

today she online... she change pic... but her personal msg didn't change... i was trying not to bother about it since my exam coming soon and i trying to concentrate. but somehow she keep on poping on the msn... unable to resist myself, i keep on look on her msn... click and close for many times... i don't what am i doing... i feel so confuse... my heart felt uneasy... she online for quite a long time... till i unable to bear it, i went to friendster to look her profile and 'his' profile... as i expected..... those thing again... what i see make me feel unhappy... sad... i not sure what i should do... but i know i unable to focus anymore... my mind is empty all of sudden...

after a few hour... i decided to go out to have a walk... i been doing this for many times for each time whenever she pop up in my head when i doing my assignment... the sadness is unbearable... i walk like a nobody... no spirit... as if a body without a soul... why..... why till now things still like this... why..... when i chat with my friend in msn 2day... she said that my msg fill with the feeling of sadness and loneliness... i not sure how should i reply her... because what she said might be true or might be wrong... because even myself not sure if i really have those kind of feeling with me all the time.

exam coming soon... i having alot of stress... i wish her encouragement, her support but i know i won't get it no matter what... it's been so many time i online but she never once talk to me... not even once.... i know why she online... what the purpose... and for who as well... not that i never taste that kind of situation before... i look at the monitor as i going to tears soon...

Perform some magic, let us meet.
Two are crossed unwitthingly.
Look at me, and begin a smile,
Pretend unnoticed, true feeling,
Suddenly the two fall in love.

i wonder, this 5 sentence, to me is wat? to her is wat? why i still keep it in my heart... did she keep it? i don't think so.......... my heart feel so pain and cold tonight...

today i've been feeling headache for the whole day. Maybe because exam is coming and assignment need to be hand up soon. stress making me headache. sometime i wonder why each time i feeling stress, the one that important to me not beside me. or do i have someone that important to me? maybe no, maybe yes. but the reality is that that person neither beside me or encouraging me. my head as if going to blast off soon. like there is a time boom inside my head.

after finish my course i still unable to have any fun. i need to find job and earn for living. my life is nothing more than just keep on survive. i achieve nothing in my life. i don't desire for anything. maybe i desire for something but i unable to get it. therefore, there is nothing that i able to achieve in my life. my future has lost since that day... everything crumble to ashes... i unable to build it again with my own two hand. there isn't anyone supporting me... what should i do and what should be done. haha, maybe the world is laughing at me. laugh how worthless i am. she gave up on me becoz of how worthless i am. and she find someone who are much more capable than me... someone who 100 times better than me in any part. knowledge, appearance, background, everything...... i'm nothing... kenneth soon and stupig is nothing....... face it kenneth... ppl like you deserve nothing... i can't blame anyone... blame yourself for being born in such way... blame nobody but yourself.....