last night i had a dream. a dream that i wish i never wake up. i dream that i went back malaysia. meet my family and fren. and then i was preparing to meet yee ling... thinking of where to go, what to do and all the planning. i also remind myself to remember bring the present i bought for her during in oversea. i wanted to meet her so much... but the dream didn't last long and i woke up. reality is that i need to prepared to work. not to meet her... i miss yee ling...

i wanted to go back to malaysia and meet her now... however dream always is dream. unless make it to reality. if not, it will always stay as a dream. i wish to understand her more... i know in the past i always think that i fully understand her but i'm not. so i hope that she let me understand her more now... i don't mind take time to understand her... if only she let me do so... i know it's worth... it's more worth than anything...

it's been very long since i last write a blog... i been wondering... i'm not happy working there... actually i think where i work is the same... since the day i know the truth of working in china town there isn't any place that will belong to me... everyday i doing the same thing... feel so bored... feel unhappy at there... but if for survive that i keep working there...

i miss yee ling alot... i wonder what she doing.. i wonder what she thinking... last night i suddenly think back the time we talk back again. she said that if there a chance to turn back the time she will never want to leave me... i wish to ask her if her answer still the same now... i wish i could go back now... i wish to see her now... wish to be beside her... i wonder if she waiting for me... ever since last two month we seldom talk to each other... sometime she doesn't have anything to said to me as well... i'm the only one who do the talking... sometime i want to call her but afraid of disturb her... i'm thinking when my next day off i wanted to call her and have a chat... i try to think as many topic as possible but sometime there isn't any idea in my mine... the only thing i always ask is did she go anywhere? wat she doing? and how she doing? after that we just keep quiet until one of us offline...

i wonder why she doesn't ask my condition... she used to keep wait for me online... always hope that i can talk to her but... maybe she got her family now... so she spend time with her family more.....

sometime i feel so lonely... i wish she were by myside... accompany me... fill me in with her warm feeling and take away my loneliness...

Someday, we are gonna be together
Someday, life will be so much better
Someday, we will build a bond no one can break

Someday, no more dark cloud above
Someday, unite the life of love
Someday, the story can only end one way
We'll be together someday

Someday, be together someday

it's been 2 to 3 week that we didn't talk to each other... i don't know what happen to her... neither what she doing... she never try to contact me as well... i know she very busy... but... i still want know how she doing... i miss her alot. i want to tell her how i am doing as well... want to let her know what happy thing that i been through and what sad thing that i face.

there is a night that i dream of something unhappy... i cry in that dream. i don't remember what was it but i know is unhappy dream becoz i cried. what more surprise me is i wasn't cry in my dream. in reality i was crying as well.. .when i woke up i realise that i got tears... it flowing out from my eyes... i cry during when i sleep. this the 1st time i experience this...

i saw yee ling new upload pic. she look pretty... 2day when i find her i want to tell her she look really nice in that dress... but it's seem i disturb her... and she kinda angry with me as well... of course i feel unhappy about that... i only can say sorry.

i was thinking will one day she wear such a nice dress and stand beside while holding my hand... i wonder will that day come...

however i remember she told her before that she won't attend a night prompt at her U... but why she attend now... i wanted to ask her but...... i don't know how long will both of us keep quiet like this.... i really scare she don't find me... she never find me or contact me for quite a long time... i wish she know how much i care about her and think of her... i worry her alot... i miss her...

2day don't know why but i woke up at 9am... kinda early... anyway, as usual the 1st thing i do in the morning is view on her friendster and blog... she write something new in her blog... something that not really happy to her. also makes me unhappy as well... after read the blog. i went back to my bed and keep thinking what should i do... what i am to her... in that blog she only mention about him. i know... i know she still miss him...

she stress out becoz of all the work she having now. not only because of study but she lack of sleep as well... whenever i know she lack of sleep. i really wish that i could lend my shoulder for her..... even if i only able to lend her for one minute, i will spend my time with her... but i can't... 'he' is the only one who able calm her down. support her and help her... while i'm..... even i don't know what i can do for her... i was thinking did she think of me? did she need my help? when will she tell me her suffer? will she cry infront of me? will she need me? i don't know... but i know, whenever i in trouble... whenever i need someone... yee ling always the 1st person appear in my heart...

i'm unhappy as well... unhappy with the job... unhappy with the llife i having... when i have holiday, i will call her and tell her my problem.. and complain about my job to her... i wish... she will do the same... i wish she will ask me am i free to chat with her... so that she release all her feeling toward me... just how i did to her.....

i know i never able to compare to him or anyone... i even ask myself did i alive in her heart... but i don't care did i alive in her heart... what's important she alive in my heart... if she need me then i will do watever i can for her.. if she don't need me i will still stand beside her and keep support her... i know sometime i'm nothing but trouble to other ppl.....

this few day, ppl start to realise i'm left handed... they say left handed is smart... since i was small i dislike ppl say that... becoz the fact is i'm not smart at all... 2 days ago, during lunch time... when i eating with my work fren... he saw that i'm using left hand and said left handed is smart... then i replied him... 'do u think i'm smart'? then he keep quiet not another word come out... face the reality... i'm not smart at all... while i'm a person who never used brain when i do thing... i got a belief that when there is smart ppl there is stupid ppl... this is something that will always happen.. is not about left hand or right hand... even left hand will be stupid and clumsy... and i'm one of the example... what i achieve in my life? i never achieve anything... the only thing is i only do what i think is right...

i know that if together wif yee ling might cause alot of ppl dislike..... ppl used to try to break our relationship... i don't know did yee ling know about it... but i already got one example... sometime i thinking if there is a chance we together again who will dislike... my fren? yee ling fren? her parent? my parent? i don't know but i don't care... the only thing i know that deep down my heart yee ling is someone i wish to be together........

i don't know if one day she has a chance of be with that guy again, will she give up on me and be with him..... i don't know and i'm scare as well... now i only hope she able to get more rest and she can get good result as well... i wish i know i can do something for her...... dear god, pls grant my wish......

i've been work for 3 weeks. but i still nothing but a newbie. alot thing i don't know how to handle. i'm very clumsy. today i break a box of beer. because of the floor wet from mob. but i don't want make tat as excuse. rather than floor wet i would rather say is me clumsy. i feel so unhappy. i need yee ling. but i didn't call her or sms her at all now. because i doesn't want always find her whenever i in trouble. i'm not a baby anymore. it's true that i'm very sad and i need her beside me but i didn't sms her. usually i already sms her and tell her what happen but today i doesn't know why. maybe i want act tough. maybe i don't want let her know how clumsy i am. i want to tears... the boss know i willing to learn and work but at the same time i'm really clumsy and stupid.

i want to know what is yee ling thinking about me right now. a friend? a better friend? a partner that might be together in future? or one of the choice? i don't know... i know it's hard for her to wait for me. i'm so far... and i'm don't have what she need that makes her willing to wait me or feel worth for wait me. what she said about me today is right... i'm negative... that's maybe becoz of my upbringing. i always being bully by other... school, home or anywhere... slowly i become weak. scare of many thing... not brave enough to try. that's why now i don't know anything. what my life been gone through i learn nothing... my brother always said i''m worthless in the past... i angry of what he said about me. but at the same time i agree of what he said about me. i really don't know anything other than enjoy. watch tv, play game, sleep, eat and others.....

it's true that yee ling and me are not suit to be together... but... but we know this since the day we meet... since the day we have feeling for each other. but we still together and seperate and then now we might have the chance to be together again. she know how i feel about her. just that now the situation made us can't be together. however, i hope sometime she can concern about how i feel... she said she nearly 'did' it but... i still unhappy when i heard it... i guess nobody likes to heard that their love one did with someone or nearly did it... it's true i jealous... i jealous whenever i know she went out with other guy alone. while i'm here have nothing... just work and get scold...

i want to know what if i nearly did with some other girl... if yee ling know, will she jealous? will she angry? will she cry like i did last time? or no response... i don't know... in my life, yee ling is the only one who always for me and be with me even know how negative i am and how clumsy i am... it's true i once again scare of losing her again. i don't know what will happen to me if she with someone else again. i always just hope she will put me in her heart and wait for me and don't bother about other guys... but maybe i'm too selfish to wish for like this. she deserve someone better... i'm... i'm not worth for her...... but i really wanted to be with her together and forever. i always look at her pic before i work, listen to the song she send to me before i leave the room. i hope she know how much i sacrifice for her now... i always think that if she never be with me anymore then maybe i will just be alone until the day i die.

i'm so unhappy now... i really want yee ling at my side now... lending her shoulder for me... and tears as much as i want... waiting for her sweet or concern sms or email from her... only yee ling that always able to cheer me up no matter how many times i fall down...

my job current going quite well... but sometime still will get scold, this is something that i already expected. but better than being fired. just have to learn. i think after a time i will learn everything.

few day ago i dream of yee ling. for the past 2 years, this is the 1st time i able to dream happiness with her. i dream that i holding her hand. go alot of places wth her. no matter what or how she never let go my hand. i was so happy. i kinda doesn't want wake up from that dream. however, i need to wake up as well... at that time i'm happy and hope that it will become reality. when i on the way to work, i call yee ling and tell her that i dream about her. want to share my happiness... sometime i really happy that i able to go through life like this with her again. even though by directly face to face but atleast is a good start.

however, sometime when read her blog i will feel unhappy... especially 2day. she write about how she feel sad about her past. actually everything she feel now is no diff than when she leave me. about promise, about missing, about tears, cry, forget, and many more. like when i know she went to genting i'm so sad and scare.... scare of losing her totally..... that was my past. but now, i don't think of that anymore. because even it's not by my side, but she come back to talk to me again. even though she didn't cheer me up during she leave me but doesn't mean i must leave her alone during she in a bad time. i know i unable to do much compare to golden fish guy. becoz he rich, can make thing more easier... while i'm still earning money at a very far place. but between yee ling and money. i will choose yee ling... in these 2 years i realise what's important to me. i thought one day yee ling will become someone that i won't bother anymore because she leave me like nothing. but it's not... she so important to me that i unable to lose her anymore. this time if we able to be together... i pray and i hope... she will be the same as my dream... never let go my hand anymore... never leave me alone whenever i sad. in the same time, i will do my best for her. i will do my best never make her tears... do my best to make her happy always...

sometime i receive her sms... i'm very happy of how she miss me. it's makes my heart warm and cheer me up during i work. i really need those cheer sometime... in order to keep standing. i will try to call her too... so that she won't feel lonely always... i know i can't do much but i try my best... i hope she will feel better one day. sometime i might just a bit selfish that saying she must wait me 2 years... even though she is single now i can't be selfish... maybe take it easy. sometime i just being impatient...

yee ling, if u read this... don't sad... there are always those encourage u... not nobody encourage u. u at so far but u keep encourage me. if wasn't because of you. do you think i able to keep on survive? i don't so... because i always keep u in my heart. not my mind... remember that.. i really miss you... i hope you able to find me in your heart. i'm just somewhere in the corner only. hehehe... beebeebee