i unable to sleep and i'm chatting with yee ling now. 10 min ago i read her blog. she let me read it. and i already prepared that it will be something that won't make me smile or laugh. when i read my heart feel so painful and sour... as if my tears going to drop soon. i know she spend a lot of happy time with him... compare to him, i really just nothing... the thing she did with him i can sometime imagine myself during the past... it's really painful... because i try to understand her feeling during that time only i know her feeling now... knowing that it is impossible for me being the best in her heart. knowing she cried i feeling sad as well... but i do'nt know what to say to her... this month i almost everyday talk to her... sometime happy but sometime sad as well... i always wanted to be best in her heart, that what i always wish but for now i need to put that aside. for now, i wish she will be happy back... no matter what... even.... even if she can be back with him now and i can't be back with her forever... i don't really care about myself anymore... as long as she happy then it's fine... since if she be with me might not the most happy thing for her... if like that i hope grant her wish that will make her happy most...

but i'm glad that atleast the day before she return let me know that we still have a little fate... maybe it's up to us to take it or leave it... nobody know... but i want to take and grab and never let go of it... however, i can't be selfish... this kinda of decision must be made by two person... not just me alone.....

2day yee ling start chatting with me... it's was the 1st and longest chat for the past 2 years. i didn't felt happy when i know she broke with her bf... shouldn't i happy??? maybe because i never wish she sad...

after she offline i keep thinking what should i do now... i'm moody... n i'm worry of her a lot. truth not something that show it out, but it's something to hide it... she said by looking at my friendster i'm doing great here... but that not the truth... i hide my true feeling in this blog n my diary...

my mind kinda numb... unable to think of anything... i guess i have i have to continue this blog nextime...

it's been a few week since i last write in this... same as it's been a month since she last online. 2day she online... she change her pic as well... i guess is her recent pic as well... same as usual, didn't talk to each other at all... not even once... in addition i was urgent going out that time. i only spend about 15 minit looking at here pic... i..... i really miss her alot. especially since i start working... i think even if i'm not urgent go out i still won't talk to her... same as she never did talk to me.

few day ago i had something in my mind. whenever my fren or my grandma receive the greeting card from me, they will sms me and tell me how they feel about it. but yee ling she never said how she feel when she receive the card i sent to her. the only thing she told me is thanks and don't send anymore becoz it's expensive to sent through air mail, it's better to send in email. i always thinking that did she ever try to apreciate it? or does she even happy when she receive it? i never know. or was it that i asking to much? in the end i always tell myself that i sent to her just becoz i wan to do so... not becoz of i want to get anything back from her... but somehow my heart feel so painful... it's feel like i never did appear in her world... i'm just a stranger to her...

i feel so much pressure being here all alone. i feel so lonely and sad... i take everything to myself... sometime it's really hard to accept all this. i feel i did nothing for the future. i think i don't even have a future... even if i did, it won't be a nice future... wat's the point that i had wealth but i don't have the person i love to share with it... if wealth can exchange to be back with her, i rather have a simple life... as long as i can be with her forever...

i can't sleep at all... it's 4.35am... my mind keep on thinking thing... sometime i don't even feel i sleep at all... until now i haven't receive anything from her... well, i only worry about if she receive the card a not... even though i working now but i don't really feel happy about it... while i feel i wanted to go back... becoz whenever i think that everyday i spend my thing just myself and only myself, my life like nothing but just like a video record for my everyday life.

yes, if a person with no future their life is nothing but a video record everyday. everynight i tears for her... so what... after the tears gone then another day comes... after the day end then tears come again... thing happen again and again... i lose hope in many thing... the only thing left with me is my family and friend... i really wish to be back what i used to be... but not who i am now... is totally diff...

Yee Ling, no matter how many times i said i love you, no matter how i everyday look on ur photo... u will never had me in ur heart... never...and this wat makes me feel the pain in my heart. i know you are the one i love most in this world... there isn't a single day that i do'nt think of you... tat's the reason i tears for every day and night... i really love you...

it's been a week since her birthday. i wonder has my card reach to her yet... i hope it will. i didn't wish reward or a reply. i only hope the card will reach to her. i send becoz i want to... not hoping for anything at all... hoping will only make me more disappointed. therefore, just send and reach to her then is fine. till now i still haven't got a job.. but sometime i feel is a good thing for me. becoz i not sure of my ownself that what will become of me. there are still a lot of question in me. and i still unable to answer it myself.

each night... i thinking the same thing. it makes sad a lot. it's never made me happy. sometime i really hope stop to think. but i unable to control my mind. each word, any thing that i saw in my everyday life will always come out the same thing. it's true that in this world everyone is selfish no matter who or what. but what we gain from selfish? happiness? wealth? or painful? i don't know.

yesterday, i had a chat with my roomate and housemate. about why girl will play girls feeling. i know during my secondary school time. there are alot of this kind of ppl in my school. and i kinda hate them alot. there is one perspective that ppl always use. 'don't burn the whole forest just becoz of a tree'... in my belief, there are two way of this perspective... one is that it is ok for sacrifice a tree for a forest. it's mean u don't need to treasure or even care of anyone. becoz they are still alot of choice out there. there are ppl who think that after playing with a guy or girl, it's ok to leave them becoz there are alot more outside. the second is that only use on those who always stuborn on a tree. and never notice the others...

for me, every single tree is important... there isn't anything about sacrifice or burn it... tree are not only the one i love. but my fren, my family and those who beside me and around me. in this world there isn't any single tree will be 100% same as the others. when i lost the tree, it's mean i lost it forever. it's not sometime that able to replace by growing a new tree or search in the forest.

i will never accept this perspective in my life... never... to me everyone is important... Yee Ling, i was unable to give up on you... becoz in my heart, u truly are important to me... you already love someone else but in this 2 year, i still love you from the bottom of my heart. i also sorry for angry with you 1 year ago... tears had been flowing out from my eyes in this 2 years. and it's never been stop... those tears are flowing through my face becoz of you... even now... each time i write a new blog... i can't stop myself from tears and pain are keep hurting my heart...

i think it's already decide that i will be keep on staying here in UK. i might not so happy about it but i know atleast i know what i want. just that i unable to achieve it, just like lastime. i know i want to back compare to stay. becoz i keeping a promise. not only a promise. but i want to see her again. just that. but all this no more than just an excuse. even i'm really go back, will i able to see her still a question without an answer...

i know being here need to work everything as long as there is income. not that i'm want to choose the job i feel i like it. i know what situation i'm in. and i need to work when there is a job. i know this since before i'm came to newcastle and visit london. i already prepared that... even watch toilet i might think about it before... maybe becoz my heart still wanted to go back...

haha, sometime i really laugh til my tear come of... thinking what kind of person i am... useless and worthless... unable to make a choice i want. unable to walk on the road i want... unable to gain what i really want... that's why i'm all alone all this time... walk alone on the street... without anyone beside... only know count on other. this is what kind of person i am... i lose the confident i used to have. becoz i lose hope on keep on living. becoz i don't want a good life that only i'm alone know about it.

when i'm sleep. i always think of what i want. do i want to keep on living? what should i do? hmm... all this nothing but a darkness in my heart... the old kenneth is already dead... the new kenneth is nothing but only know how to count on other and useless... this is the kenneth i know... i really lost alot of thing in my life...

yesterday suan cheng wan to return the money that i help him paid for his dinner bill but he said need to minus some of the ingredient that he bought few day ago. 1st i thought i paid him already but he say that was another bill... well, then he try to explaine to me, and said wasn't wanted to cheat. of course i know he wasn't wanted to cheat on me about it. maybe i forget about it or remember wrongly. well, i don't wish our friendship being ruin with just a few pound.

2day he gave me back 5 pound then i ask him why he dind't minus. he answer that maybe he remember wrong. hmm, maybe he just unhappy or something. i don't wan to simply guess about it. maybe yesterday i shuold keep quiet and gave him money. so without his notice, i put back another 1 pound 50 back to his deck. he won't notice coz i put it together with his other coin. i think just forget about it like this. sometime i know i will forget thing as well. and i'm the kind who won't remember thing that share with my fren. coz i do'nt mind and i know they won't cheat on me. however, it's past... just be it...

just now linda thought of giving back me the money that she own me... but she said to make it easy, suan cheng help her pay. and she own suan cheng... hmm, i wonder what the diff... maybe the diff is between debtor hahaha... but more or less, i begin to feel that ppl around me is getting far from me. it's normal... but this kind of distance is not about normal distance but about the friendship distance... i know out of all the 5 of us. i'm the worst in all of them. i don't have any basic knowledge such as economy, politic and others. what i know is play games. diff from them, i can consider as stupid as well... knowing and together with them is one of my lucky thing. i know there won't be many chance that we will spend time together.

sometime i don't know why i feel nowadays wat i did makes them getting far away from me. i wonder was it me or something else. i don't really bother much about it... i know in future i will be alone. that's what i feel about or that is what i predict.

sometime i look back all the blog that i wrote. compare to the person i was in the past. i'm really a diff person from how i used to be. whenever i have the will on doing something, i will never give up. no matter in game, study or sport. but now, without even try i would just give it up. becoz i got the feeling of disppointed after fail. i don't want those kind of feeling. not anymore. slowly, i became like a slowpoke. lazy and slow. sometime i even do stupid without thinking. that's make me even stupid. even i feel that myself.

as i predict, everyone will got a job. i might be the last one who either got a job or jobless. watever... my birthday going to come another 2 month. but as usual. my wish is hope that my family and my friends and my love one will going have a better life compare to last year. my wish never changed. same as last year. i don't have anything i want. i don't hope for anything other than those i care about. someone tell me that those who doesn't selfish is stupid... everyone is selfish... hahaha, since that i'm already stupid, why not i make another one... hahaha... hope that all my friend will get a better job soon. hope suan cheng will got job soon too... and hope our visa will be approved... wish everyone have a nice and healthy life.