麻醉

我很久没有用华语写我的日记了。不知道写出来的感觉会不会一摸一样？

发了那么多的噩梦，我病了。从星期一开始病了，病的很辛苦。我还记得很清楚病前的那一晚我又发梦了。我记得我梦见在微信里看到她结婚的信息。我很紧张，很害怕，很慌。我整个人被梦吓醒了。我冒冷汗，整个人都发抖。我立刻去看我的电话，查我的微信。这样我才知道我原来在发梦。但是我心里很清楚的知道那一天离现实不远。当我的脑清醒的时候原来我发抖到我的左腿正在抽筋。抽的很痛很痛。根本停不下来。感觉整个左腿的肌肉要裂了。过了几分钟我的腿好点了。但是肌肉应该是伤了，每次用力，走路都会痛。第二天早上我就病了。一个梦可以令我每个日子过的那么辛苦。可能正确的说法是一个人可以令你我这样。

虽然我腿痛和病了我依然照常的上班。没拿病假。我在这公司工作了快要六年了，但是我拿了不多过四天的病假。很多人都问我为什么不回家休息？为什么不拿病假？也许有些人以为我傻，我勤劳或者有责任感。其实我也不知道为什么？也许我是用工作和病痛来麻醉自己把我心里的痛苦被工作和病痛盖着。或者不想被这些空闲的时间令我胡思乱想。有时候我在想，如果不是这些理由，如果我还在和Ginny一起，我也会这样吗?

有时在公众假期，我也工作。很多客人都问我为什么我还会上班？为什么那么勤劳？会用私人时间和工作交换。其实有的选，我也想和我爱的人一起出去走走逛逛。那好吃个饭，看电影，买些东西都觉得舒服。可惜，我享受不了这样的生活。应该说我想和这个人享受这样的生活不在我身边。也许‘她’在和她的‘他’过着这样的生活。我不知道我还能这样撑多久，还能麻醉自己多久？我知道有一天我是会崩溃。我这样只是逃避着我的痛苦，应为我找不到解决方法。‘她’给我的伤是治疗不到。一就是让伤口很快的流血，二就是让它慢慢的流。根本就止不到血。

我的爱人，她不是我的爱人

Another Night!!!

Last night I had the very same dream again. I wonder how many of these dream I had it already. 10? 50? 100? I even lost count.

I'm so tired. No matter how I tried to avoid it. No matter how tired I made myself. It always came back to me. Sometime, i just so afraid of sleeping that I kept myself awake. Read story, read comics, and did many others thing. Sometime I even pray before I sleep.

I still love her but I can't do anything. I can only suffer. I'm sure many ppl will tell me let it go but I just unable to let go. She always been in my heart and I can't deny it no matter what. Do I force myself to stop loving her? Or force myself to love someone else? Will that come out fine? I believe it will only come out worst. I don't want to hurt other. In exchange I hurt myself.

Someone told me that I may get crazy soon. Maybe yes Maybe no. I do not know how long I can bear this pain and suffer. Still, because of this fear, because of my sanity, it prove my love toward her never been anything else but true.

When I try to calm myself, I always glad in one thing. Is that I never once turn my back on Ginny. Never once I broke my promise of stop loving her.

I remember once, she was drunk from party with her friend. She called me while I was working, she drunk and mention thing randomly. I was very concern. That was the 1st time I was so concern of her. I'm unable to concentrate my work and hope the time pass fast that i can go see her immediately. In between, I called her but her friend said she is fine. Still i'm worried. Once I finished work, I immediately ran back to home. I saw her sleeping on the bed drunk, still haven't change her cloth. I look after her. I remember she hugged me and kiss me. I think in a normal circumstance, any guy would just move forward to the next step. But I didn't, in my heart at that time, I told myself that I will protect her no matter what. I want her to feel secure in my arm. I do not want to take advantage on her. That was the 1st time I had that feeling. I still miss that feeling. Miss the feeling that someone I love, someone I trust, always be by my side no matter what.

Ppl ask if i'm still love her? is whatever i'm feeling, the desperate, the sadness and pain is become of my love toward. My answer is Yes. It is painful for 5 years but I am loving her with all my broken pieces heard. I wish she would come back and heal me. But my wish will never come true. Hence, Miracle is all I wish but miracle will never happen....... Another sleepless night!!!

520

Yesterday was 520. Is like a valentine day for Chinese people. My heart was so scare for whole night since 12am. Worry that I may see post that I sad to see. May see her happy moment with her new bf while i'm alone.

Despite how scare I am, I didn't tears. But my heart is crying. I went sleep. Even though my body is sleeping. My mind can't stop thinking. it active through out the whole night. Almost every night I can't sleep because I kept thinking of Ginny. For many nights I didn't has a peaceful sleep.

In the end, I woke up at around 4 to 5AM. I'm unable to sleep. My mind can't stop thinking about Ginny. It's really suffering. Everyday after sleepless night and insomnia, the next day I will pretend I'm alright. I had enough sleep. But actually my body will collapse anytime once I stop pretending. I always make it like nothing happen to me. Especially when with Kah hong and Kim San. Make them believe i'm fine. Making excuses on relationship related. But, I always hope I can tell them that i'm actually not ok.

I kept walk and walk and walk in my room. Round and round. I had flash back on the memory with Ginny.

I remember the day she came to HanaHana. looking for partime job. A bit clumsy but cute. I taught her to work, guided her, help her, and look after her. There was a time she hurt her hand during work. I think it was a burn. I immediately take her hand without a second thought and care for her hand.

Never once I thought she will be the love of my life. We were chatting on the phone. that time I using normal phone. There is no such thing as apps. text msg is how we started. chatting with her at that time was the happiest time I had when I'm in UK. In UK, i'm only happy when i'm with Kah Hong and Kim San. but we all had to work and we live separately, we can't see each other everything. Ginny, was the next person I felt so happy.

finally, one day we and Ginny went out. It was sudden. I even brought her by to my room and cook for her. I really want to start a relationship with her at that time but at the same time i scare that I may lose someone that important to me. Because Ginny not from Malaysia. and at that time she from a wealthy family that her family may not approve me. I'm really scare. I confronted Ginny. Told her the problem we may face in the future. I don't want to ruin her lift as well. She was young at that time.

She kept thinking without saying anything. I hold her hand and told her I like her. want to be with her. I gave her a kiss. That's how we started our relationship. from that day, It was the happiest day of my life.

I remember how I walk her by to her dorm. We were holding hand in cold weather. Then once I played a song '苦茶'. I was singing and walk with her. I can see her smile. Until today I didn't forget that smile. I tell myself I willing to be with her for the rest of my life.

Then I ask her to stay with me. I don't mind pay more rental. We were so funny. I'm moving her language. it was so heavy. and there is a downhill. by the time we finish move, my arms were very pain. But I not angry. I'm happy she stay with me.

Being with her changed my life. She cleaned my messy room. Accompany me by new bed sheet and water boiler.

Many thing happen from there. Other partimer said I only help her and gave her more time shift. but I don't care. Because ginny is really a hard worker. Then we were living from each other for a month because she went back to China and I back Malaysia for 3 weeks. We missed each other alot at that time. When we came back to UK, we were like inseparable . We went Nudo bar for lunch, even Kim San colleague said we both pouring love in entire restaurant.

I made one habit when I started be with her. is that whenever I woke up early than her for work or classes, I will give her a kiss on her forehead. I love the feeling kiss her forehead. I'm sure she feel the same and wish I could do it every single morning. I really miss it.

I have all these reflection until she left me. By the time I woke up from reflection while walking none stop, It already two hours!!!! what the heck. The sky going to be bright soon but still a little down. I decided to work out. I went out to Jog.

I run very hard. as if i'm runaway from something or chasing something. I don't know which. but I'm imagine that Ginny running in front of me, I run as hard as i can but I never able to catch up with her. I sweat a lot. My whole body is heavy but I kept push myself forward. I think I tears at that time. I tears because i'm not able to catch Ginny. I not able to reach her at all.

Finally, I was so tired that I on my knee on the side of the track. resting but crying at the same time. I kept asking myself, what to do to be with her again. I'm willing to sacrifice anything just to be with her again. Why god treat me that way? I forgave her past. I accept her past. I don't care all that. I just want to be with her.

When we were 1st together, she told me about her past. she still afraid of relationship. She even more afraid that i may mind and leave her. I told her I love for who she is now, not because of the past. We will walk the future together from that day onward. But it seem didn't end that way.

I pick myself up. wipe my tears away and run back home. I kept work out none stop until I tired myself to the ground.

At night, i played a song through my keyboard. A song I liked it more many years. I believe more than 10 years ago. This song is called 'Winter ii'. It's a sad song where a guy broke up with his gf. He still miss her dearly. to avoid and runaway from sadness, he went for vacation by himself. At there he met a girl. The girl is local. They talked to each other and spend time together but they are not lover. After spending few days together, the girl said to him 'Even though you always look fine. But you seem to be trying too hard to keep everything to yourself. Straight forward but lack of warmth. You may look happy but at the time, you don't look happy as well ' The comment struck back his memoies with his previous gf.

After the comment, the guy silently thinking for himself. He remembered everything said and done with his previous gf. He start to realized, what he been doing until now ever since broke up with his gf. He been escaping. He want to do something to repair relationship but he don't dare. He want to go to to his gf and said one more time 'I love you' but he don't dare.

He understand now that, he doesn't need a reason to love someone. If you like her, just go and tell her. That's all to it. All we have to do is being honest, right? Honest about how I feel about her. Nothing gonna happen if keep running away.

The guy immediately the next day pack his stuff and back to the city. He look desperately for his gf. He found her, face to face. Smiling to each other and said 'I'm back and welcome back'. From there, it's up to them.

The story end at there. nobody knows what happen after. But because we don't know we scare of doing it. Still, if we don't do it, we will regret for the rest of our life.

I posted the song in wechat moment. Only then realized that only input 10sec. Wasted my recording over and over again to get it perfect. In the end, I just posted the 10 sec. Out of my surprise, Ginny is the 1st person liked the post. I not sure if she understand but that post of mine, the song i played, is for her. For her to know that I still love her........ I still want to be with her........

慢慢習慣

時間一分一秒讓情愛枯萎
沒有苦澀的眼淚
沒有想過永遠的完美
也沒有想過 到底會不會

一根紅缐牽引隱藏的曖昧
你我選擇背靠背
到底要彼此努力多少倍
才結束寂寞 兩顆心成一對

慢慢習慣一個人醉
慢慢習慣一個人睡
慢慢習慣一個人 去快樂去傷悲
慢慢習慣一個人飛
慢慢習慣沒有人陪
不需要些許安慰

不想分開還是分開不是罪
往后誰也不欠誰
未來不敢再多愛一回
想你的時候
開始喜歡天黑
更多更詳盡歌詞 在 ※ Mojim.com　魔鏡歌詞網 

慢慢習慣一個人醉
慢慢習慣一個人睡
慢慢習慣一個人 去快樂去傷悲
慢慢習慣一個人飛
慢慢習慣沒有人陪
不需要些許安慰

你的沉默讓我覺得自己太可悲
我的淚證明了你的愛有多美
我不配 愛不能成灰
祈求再多一次機會

不想習慣一個人醉
不想習慣一個人睡
不想習慣一個人 拼命走拼命追
不想習慣一個人飛
不想習慣沒有人陪
為自己贖罪 為你贖罪
一步也不肯退


Ginny, 如果 時間能夠為妳而倒流
真的好想牽著妳的雙手 再說一次 我 愛 妳

Dissapointment

After sent the birhtday email, I waited from day to day. Hoping for a reply. But until now, the 5th day, still, i didn't receive a reply from Ginny.

I'm disappointed. At the same time, expected. She have a lover now. I'm just a nobody to her. what was I expecting? A happy reply? A sad reply? A frustration reply? As people always say, no expectation, no disappointment.

Even if she did reply, so What? it's not like it gonna change anything. SHE IS WITH SOMEONE NOW. it doesn't change a damn thing even if she reply the email.

Last night, Kim San told me to find someone. I just replied 'i'm happy being alone. No stress, no pressure, no concern or whatsoever.'. Thinking back now, i'm just lying to myself.

Still, i believe i'm not gonna be in a relationship anymore. my heart, only have her. It doesn't have any space for a 2nd person now.

After I sent the birthday email to Ginny, I went to bed. that night I dream of Ginny. We both at a unknown place. we were walking side by side but not holding hand. We are awkward but I believe were on a walk to celebrate her birthday.

We kept on walk, then we saw a street stall. We bought some food and share the food together. We smile at each other, eating the warm food in a cold night. It was comfortable. Then we continue to walk, we arrived a grand hall or a ball. There were people dancing around. I reach my hand out and asked her for a dance. Ginny hold my hand and we were dancing happily in the hall. I remember the place is golden bright, with lights and roses around the place. But my eyes were on to Ginny only. We were very happy.

Then we left the ball room. Went back to walk at the street. But this time, we are holding hand. I start singing, I don't what did I sang but I can feel her hand and her warm. then i move her around by dancing by the street. We smile happily. We hold each other then I kiss on her forehead. After that, I woke up.

When i woke up, i did not feel sad or tears like I always do. I always dream of Ginny but always about being back together or argue or separation. This time, my heart is calm. I was wondering is my heart went cold? Am I not having feeling anymore? I'm just a person with a heart but no feeling of love or touch anymore?

At that time, I don't think it as a dream. I believe somewhere in another world, there is another version of me and Ginny. They are together and they love each other to the fullest. Despite that have nothing, they dance on the street, they hold hand, they give each other warmth, and more. At the very same moment, I'm just pray and wish happiness to the other world's Kenneth and Ginny, please treasure each other and wish both of you always love other till forever.

Happy 27th Birthday

It's already 2 years after the last birthday wish I sent to her through email.

She has a boyfriend now. It was unbearable for me on the day I knew it. It took me long time to cope with it. And I drunk on the very same day as well. Hope that alcohol will cover my pain and sadness.

The hatred in my heart, makes my heart sour. Makes my emotion shift like the ocean wave. But I hide it from the surface. Nobody will ever knows my true feelings.

And I have decided not to be in love anymore. I will live my life on my own for the rest of my life. A simple reason of i'm still loving her and wish for something that will never come true. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be fine, pretend to be doing well. Only when i'm alone, I know if i'm truly happy in my life.

Seeing my best friends getting married, made me happy. At the same moment, I imagined if I ever  married with Ginny. I was speechless and stopped my heartbeat for that moment. But once I back to the reality, I knew I'm dreaming. The person she will be married, will not be me anymore.

Funny thing, I once made a promise to my own that I will ask her to married me once I'm in the Manager position. I worked hard for the last 5 years. And I manage to obtain the manager position on the 4th year. But I realised that there is no meaning to me on all these.

I know title, wealth, reputation and fame are nothing when the person you always wish to be with, and celebrate with, means nothing when she not beside you anymore.

I have been alone for many years. My heart is only full of her. Now, my heart is tired. So tired that it doesn't want to beat for someone else anymore.

Sometime, I just hope she will appear infront of me. Telling me 'If is not too late, can we rebuild everything all over again?' Will that ever happen? Should I pray for it? Maybe no expectation, no disappointment. In fact, expectation always breaks one hope.

I believe in, late better than never. But I think in this event, it will be forever and ever.

Are there a true love? If yes, why wouldn't we be together? I accepted her dark past. I didn't mind. But that's doesn't mean anything in the end. She left me. For a better one. Did she be with me just because want someone to get through her past? Or I'm the right person to sooth her painful heart at that time? Once she is fine, is time for her to move on with someone better? Is that the truth?

Regardless, no reason seeking the truth. Even though I seek the truth but a truth not come from seek and revealing but from trust. If you trust a person, no matter what they says, it will always be a truth. If you don't trust, even with fact and evidence, it will still be consider as fake. With this understanding, I knew my love toward her is real. I trust about what she told me about her dark past but I accept and trust I love her for who she is. I did not love her for her background.

I didn't send her the real birthday wish that come from my heart. I only dare write it here because I do not wish to interfere with her life and her new relationship.


Dear Ginny,

I still love you and I don’t want to hide this fact as even after our breakup, those lovely moments come before my eyes and I feel quite bad and sometimes cry over how things changed and how we couldn’t be together. 

I don’t know whether you still miss me sometimes but I just want you to know that I miss you badly and that is not the only thing I want to say but I also want to say that my love for you was true and nothing has still changed. 

I just want you to know that as you have left me, nothing in life seems better and actually, nothing is better, really. Everything seems gloomy and there is absolutely no happiness without you in my life over which I should hold on to. 

You left me, you broke my heart, and shatter my soul. Still, what kept me moving forward until today, is still you. Appreciation and hatred still remain in my heart. But it always calm my heart when I close my eyes and feel the warm hug you always gave me.

I wish you all the best for your life and a very happy birthday to you. I love you, Ginny.


Kenneth

The one who always love you without condition

Happy Birthday

Yesterday, It was Ginny birthday. Before that day, I have been thinking for very long. Should I talk to her or should I not? 

In the end, I send a very simple 'happy birthday to her'. Didn't express much feeling because I don't know how to express any feeling anymore. 

Of course, I got response from her. She said she was happy to receive my email on her birthday. I wonder, was that reply just a form of respect? Or something else? Well, I didn't think much or I didn't want to think too much. Because I scare of trust or thinking too much since that 'day'

In her previous email, she said she is wrong for hurting me. Also, she mentioned her 6 years in UK, the times I with her was the happiest time for her. Even now, she still have memories of it. Izzit true? At that time, im starting to thinking then why did we separated? My heart have no joy at all, only pain and pain and pain.

My good colleague been asking me many times, do I still love her? Do I still care of her? Do I still think of her? I avoided the questions. I know I still think and care of her but the question on do I 'love' her? I really not sure. 

I don't know what is love anymore. My heart feel nothing. No emotion or whatsoever. What if I love her? Then what? It will be the same.

My colleague even ask me, what if she come back to me? What will I response? I kept silent. 

I may love her but I can't deny the fact that I was hurt in the past. I trust her but the trust was destroy and shatter. 

It's been a long time since I last trust someone. My past experience teaches me not to trust anyone, anymore. It will only backfire. 

I was doubt on ppl. I never trust anyone anymore. Not even a word. They can say anything they want but I remain neutral. 

I scare of trusting. The thing and the person you trust, once it betrayed. It's difficult to restore it. So tell me, how should I response?

I choose the road to be alone. I chose the road not to love or be love ever again. Because I can't bear the pain anymore. Not even one more times. I afraid I may not able to take it.

I may be lonely but at least I won't be hurt again.

Again, Happy Birthday Ginny~ the one I love with all my heart