Happy 27th Birthday

It's already 2 years after the last birthday wish I sent to her through email.

She has a boyfriend now. It was unbearable for me on the day I knew it. It took me long time to cope with it. And I drunk on the very same day as well. Hope that alcohol will cover my pain and sadness.

The hatred in my heart, makes my heart sour. Makes my emotion shift like the ocean wave. But I hide it from the surface. Nobody will ever knows my true feelings.

And I have decided not to be in love anymore. I will live my life on my own for the rest of my life. A simple reason of i'm still loving her and wish for something that will never come true. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be fine, pretend to be doing well. Only when i'm alone, I know if i'm truly happy in my life.

Seeing my best friends getting married, made me happy. At the same moment, I imagined if I ever  married with Ginny. I was speechless and stopped my heartbeat for that moment. But once I back to the reality, I knew I'm dreaming. The person she will be married, will not be me anymore.

Funny thing, I once made a promise to my own that I will ask her to married me once I'm in the Manager position. I worked hard for the last 5 years. And I manage to obtain the manager position on the 4th year. But I realised that there is no meaning to me on all these.

I know title, wealth, reputation and fame are nothing when the person you always wish to be with, and celebrate with, means nothing when she not beside you anymore.

I have been alone for many years. My heart is only full of her. Now, my heart is tired. So tired that it doesn't want to beat for someone else anymore.

Sometime, I just hope she will appear infront of me. Telling me 'If is not too late, can we rebuild everything all over again?' Will that ever happen? Should I pray for it? Maybe no expectation, no disappointment. In fact, expectation always breaks one hope.

I believe in, late better than never. But I think in this event, it will be forever and ever.

Are there a true love? If yes, why wouldn't we be together? I accepted her dark past. I didn't mind. But that's doesn't mean anything in the end. She left me. For a better one. Did she be with me just because want someone to get through her past? Or I'm the right person to sooth her painful heart at that time? Once she is fine, is time for her to move on with someone better? Is that the truth?

Regardless, no reason seeking the truth. Even though I seek the truth but a truth not come from seek and revealing but from trust. If you trust a person, no matter what they says, it will always be a truth. If you don't trust, even with fact and evidence, it will still be consider as fake. With this understanding, I knew my love toward her is real. I trust about what she told me about her dark past but I accept and trust I love her for who she is. I did not love her for her background.

I didn't send her the real birthday wish that come from my heart. I only dare write it here because I do not wish to interfere with her life and her new relationship.


Dear Ginny,

I still love you and I don’t want to hide this fact as even after our breakup, those lovely moments come before my eyes and I feel quite bad and sometimes cry over how things changed and how we couldn’t be together. 

I don’t know whether you still miss me sometimes but I just want you to know that I miss you badly and that is not the only thing I want to say but I also want to say that my love for you was true and nothing has still changed. 

I just want you to know that as you have left me, nothing in life seems better and actually, nothing is better, really. Everything seems gloomy and there is absolutely no happiness without you in my life over which I should hold on to. 

You left me, you broke my heart, and shatter my soul. Still, what kept me moving forward until today, is still you. Appreciation and hatred still remain in my heart. But it always calm my heart when I close my eyes and feel the warm hug you always gave me.

I wish you all the best for your life and a very happy birthday to you. I love you, Ginny.


Kenneth

The one who always love you without condition