It's 2019. But my heart is wavering. After a few event, I agree to go for the wedding. I'm not gonna say i'm willingly to go. I was encourage by a few factor to go. Even at this moment, I'm still unable to know how to deal with the moment of seeing her. I love her yet I hate her.
Kah Hong told me is a past, and I should let go. He is not wrong but he is not right either. If ever the same thing happen to him, will he advice himself the same? Let go? someone you love betrayed you. someone you love, you thought will never use the most cruel way to hurt you but it did. You never experience it, doesn't mean you can forget it easily.
I never expect Ginny will betray me. But it happened. I did do my best to forgive her but the trauma still there. Sometime, learning to let go is the same as give up on what you belief in. If we give up on what we belief, then are we a puppet in this world? we live not according to what we think is right. we live because the world is like that. Does this still consider as living?
Ppl always fight what is right and what is wrong. There's never an answer. Because human is a selfish species. They can say whatever they want. But when things goes wrong, all they can do is say 'let it go, it's a past.'
My mind can't stop thinking about it. maybe it's because of knowing she will be there tomorrow. Ppl tell me is just one night. that's it. Then it's all over. Well, it's not as easy as they said. that one night is important to me and also torture to me.
one side I try to avoid the pain. at another side, i wish I could hold her hand and say 'I love you' once more.
If I ever given a chance to go back to time, will i take her hand again and ask her to love me? I believe I will.
I may have more than what I had when we were together but the time that we had nothing but each other, was the time I cherish the most. Each day bring me peace and happiness. What i had now, are tools to suppress my pain and loneliness.
Tuesday, 1 January 2019
Wednesday, 19 December 2018
Decision
After a few days of consideration, I decided not to attend the wedding dinner. It's a hard decision for me to make. But, I don't think I can bear it when I see Ginny.
I'm not happy with the decision either. I do want to attend the wedding but, I don't think anything good will come. My emotion is unstable. I'm not what I gonna do when I see her. I may have a mental breakdown. I love her yet I hate her.
It's not about the matter of letting go anymore. letting go doesn't mean i'm fine. Letting go doesn't mean the pain will go away. nobody can understand the pain i'm going through everyday. the suffering.
There are times I ask myself, if one day I do find someone else, am I really going to love this person? Do I find someone just to fill my loneliness? Do I put some distance and not to love without condition anymore?
I know my decision made Kah Hong and Kim San disappointed but i'm really sorry. I just hope they can understand my feeling. In fact, I didn't share much with them about my condition. they may think i'm fine. In fact, i'm mentally torture from time to time. Having bad dream, can't sleep, feeling scare and confuse all the time. Seeing a mental doctor may not help.
Maybe this is the last time. I don't think Ginny will appear in my life anymore after this. Well, I'm quite sure she invited Kah Hong and Kim San for the wedding as well. knowing she getting marry made my heart so pain. really pain.
Honestly, even though i'm on leave, i don't feel i'm resting at all.
at the moment, i'm still confuse. I'm not what to do. I just want this torturing to stop. My mind can't bear it!!! It only thing were different. If only we were never broke up. I wish so....
But now, I just want to close my eyes and never be wake up anymore.
I'm sorry Kah Hong and Kim San.
Wednesday, 20 June 2018
麻醉
我很久没有用华语写我的日记了。不知道写出来的感觉会不会一摸一样？
发了那么多的噩梦，我病了。从星期一开始病了，病的很辛苦。我还记得很清楚病前的那一晚我又发梦了。我记得我梦见在微信里看到她结婚的信息。我很紧张，很害怕，很慌。我整个人被梦吓醒了。我冒冷汗，整个人都发抖。我立刻去看我的电话，查我的微信。这样我才知道我原来在发梦。但是我心里很清楚的知道那一天离现实不远。当我的脑清醒的时候原来我发抖到我的左腿正在抽筋。抽的很痛很痛。根本停不下来。感觉整个左腿的肌肉要裂了。过了几分钟我的腿好点了。但是肌肉应该是伤了，每次用力，走路都会痛。第二天早上我就病了。一个梦可以令我每个日子过的那么辛苦。可能正确的说法是一个人可以令你我这样。
虽然我腿痛和病了我依然照常的上班。没拿病假。我在这公司工作了快要六年了，但是我拿了不多过四天的病假。很多人都问我为什么不回家休息？为什么不拿病假？也许有些人以为我傻，我勤劳或者有责任感。其实我也不知道为什么？也许我是用工作和病痛来麻醉自己把我心里的痛苦被工作和病痛盖着。或者不想被这些空闲的时间令我胡思乱想。有时候我在想，如果不是这些理由，如果我还在和Ginny一起，我也会这样吗?
有时在公众假期，我也工作。很多客人都问我为什么我还会上班？为什么那么勤劳？会用私人时间和工作交换。其实有的选，我也想和我爱的人一起出去走走逛逛。那好吃个饭，看电影，买些东西都觉得舒服。可惜，我享受不了这样的生活。应该说我想和这个人享受这样的生活不在我身边。也许‘她’在和她的‘他’过着这样的生活。我不知道我还能这样撑多久，还能麻醉自己多久？我知道有一天我是会崩溃。我这样只是逃避着我的痛苦，应为我找不到解决方法。‘她’给我的伤是治疗不到。一就是让伤口很快的流血，二就是让它慢慢的流。根本就止不到血。
我的爱人，她不是我的爱人
Tuesday, 29 May 2018
Another Night!!!
Last night I had the very same dream again. I wonder how many of these dream I had it already. 10? 50? 100? I even lost count.
I'm so tired. No matter how I tried to avoid it. No matter how tired I made myself. It always came back to me. Sometime, i just so afraid of sleeping that I kept myself awake. Read story, read comics, and did many others thing. Sometime I even pray before I sleep.
I still love her but I can't do anything. I can only suffer. I'm sure many ppl will tell me let it go but I just unable to let go. She always been in my heart and I can't deny it no matter what. Do I force myself to stop loving her? Or force myself to love someone else? Will that come out fine? I believe it will only come out worst. I don't want to hurt other. In exchange I hurt myself.
Someone told me that I may get crazy soon. Maybe yes Maybe no. I do not know how long I can bear this pain and suffer. Still, because of this fear, because of my sanity, it prove my love toward her never been anything else but true.
When I try to calm myself, I always glad in one thing. Is that I never once turn my back on Ginny. Never once I broke my promise of stop loving her.
I remember once, she was drunk from party with her friend. She called me while I was working, she drunk and mention thing randomly. I was very concern. That was the 1st time I was so concern of her. I'm unable to concentrate my work and hope the time pass fast that i can go see her immediately. In between, I called her but her friend said she is fine. Still i'm worried. Once I finished work, I immediately ran back to home. I saw her sleeping on the bed drunk, still haven't change her cloth. I look after her. I remember she hugged me and kiss me. I think in a normal circumstance, any guy would just move forward to the next step. But I didn't, in my heart at that time, I told myself that I will protect her no matter what. I want her to feel secure in my arm. I do not want to take advantage on her. That was the 1st time I had that feeling. I still miss that feeling. Miss the feeling that someone I love, someone I trust, always be by my side no matter what.
Ppl ask if i'm still love her? is whatever i'm feeling, the desperate, the sadness and pain is become of my love toward. My answer is Yes. It is painful for 5 years but I am loving her with all my broken pieces heard. I wish she would come back and heal me. But my wish will never come true. Hence, Miracle is all I wish but miracle will never happen....... Another sleepless night!!!
I'm so tired. No matter how I tried to avoid it. No matter how tired I made myself. It always came back to me. Sometime, i just so afraid of sleeping that I kept myself awake. Read story, read comics, and did many others thing. Sometime I even pray before I sleep.
I still love her but I can't do anything. I can only suffer. I'm sure many ppl will tell me let it go but I just unable to let go. She always been in my heart and I can't deny it no matter what. Do I force myself to stop loving her? Or force myself to love someone else? Will that come out fine? I believe it will only come out worst. I don't want to hurt other. In exchange I hurt myself.
Someone told me that I may get crazy soon. Maybe yes Maybe no. I do not know how long I can bear this pain and suffer. Still, because of this fear, because of my sanity, it prove my love toward her never been anything else but true.
When I try to calm myself, I always glad in one thing. Is that I never once turn my back on Ginny. Never once I broke my promise of stop loving her.
I remember once, she was drunk from party with her friend. She called me while I was working, she drunk and mention thing randomly. I was very concern. That was the 1st time I was so concern of her. I'm unable to concentrate my work and hope the time pass fast that i can go see her immediately. In between, I called her but her friend said she is fine. Still i'm worried. Once I finished work, I immediately ran back to home. I saw her sleeping on the bed drunk, still haven't change her cloth. I look after her. I remember she hugged me and kiss me. I think in a normal circumstance, any guy would just move forward to the next step. But I didn't, in my heart at that time, I told myself that I will protect her no matter what. I want her to feel secure in my arm. I do not want to take advantage on her. That was the 1st time I had that feeling. I still miss that feeling. Miss the feeling that someone I love, someone I trust, always be by my side no matter what.
Ppl ask if i'm still love her? is whatever i'm feeling, the desperate, the sadness and pain is become of my love toward. My answer is Yes. It is painful for 5 years but I am loving her with all my broken pieces heard. I wish she would come back and heal me. But my wish will never come true. Hence, Miracle is all I wish but miracle will never happen....... Another sleepless night!!!
Monday, 21 May 2018
520
Yesterday was 520. Is like a valentine day for Chinese people. My heart was so scare for whole night since 12am. Worry that I may see post that I sad to see. May see her happy moment with her new bf while i'm alone.
Despite how scare I am, I didn't tears. But my heart is crying. I went sleep. Even though my body is sleeping. My mind can't stop thinking. it active through out the whole night. Almost every night I can't sleep because I kept thinking of Ginny. For many nights I didn't has a peaceful sleep.
In the end, I woke up at around 4 to 5AM. I'm unable to sleep. My mind can't stop thinking about Ginny. It's really suffering. Everyday after sleepless night and insomnia, the next day I will pretend I'm alright. I had enough sleep. But actually my body will collapse anytime once I stop pretending. I always make it like nothing happen to me. Especially when with Kah hong and Kim San. Make them believe i'm fine. Making excuses on relationship related. But, I always hope I can tell them that i'm actually not ok.
I kept walk and walk and walk in my room. Round and round. I had flash back on the memory with Ginny.
I remember the day she came to HanaHana. looking for partime job. A bit clumsy but cute. I taught her to work, guided her, help her, and look after her. There was a time she hurt her hand during work. I think it was a burn. I immediately take her hand without a second thought and care for her hand.
Never once I thought she will be the love of my life. We were chatting on the phone. that time I using normal phone. There is no such thing as apps. text msg is how we started. chatting with her at that time was the happiest time I had when I'm in UK. In UK, i'm only happy when i'm with Kah Hong and Kim San. but we all had to work and we live separately, we can't see each other everything. Ginny, was the next person I felt so happy.
finally, one day we and Ginny went out. It was sudden. I even brought her by to my room and cook for her. I really want to start a relationship with her at that time but at the same time i scare that I may lose someone that important to me. Because Ginny not from Malaysia. and at that time she from a wealthy family that her family may not approve me. I'm really scare. I confronted Ginny. Told her the problem we may face in the future. I don't want to ruin her lift as well. She was young at that time.
She kept thinking without saying anything. I hold her hand and told her I like her. want to be with her. I gave her a kiss. That's how we started our relationship. from that day, It was the happiest day of my life.
I remember how I walk her by to her dorm. We were holding hand in cold weather. Then once I played a song '苦茶'. I was singing and walk with her. I can see her smile. Until today I didn't forget that smile. I tell myself I willing to be with her for the rest of my life.
Then I ask her to stay with me. I don't mind pay more rental. We were so funny. I'm moving her language. it was so heavy. and there is a downhill. by the time we finish move, my arms were very pain. But I not angry. I'm happy she stay with me.
Being with her changed my life. She cleaned my messy room. Accompany me by new bed sheet and water boiler.
Many thing happen from there. Other partimer said I only help her and gave her more time shift. but I don't care. Because ginny is really a hard worker. Then we were living from each other for a month because she went back to China and I back Malaysia for 3 weeks. We missed each other alot at that time. When we came back to UK, we were like inseparable . We went Nudo bar for lunch, even Kim San colleague said we both pouring love in entire restaurant.
I made one habit when I started be with her. is that whenever I woke up early than her for work or classes, I will give her a kiss on her forehead. I love the feeling kiss her forehead. I'm sure she feel the same and wish I could do it every single morning. I really miss it.
I have all these reflection until she left me. By the time I woke up from reflection while walking none stop, It already two hours!!!! what the heck. The sky going to be bright soon but still a little down. I decided to work out. I went out to Jog.
I run very hard. as if i'm runaway from something or chasing something. I don't know which. but I'm imagine that Ginny running in front of me, I run as hard as i can but I never able to catch up with her. I sweat a lot. My whole body is heavy but I kept push myself forward. I think I tears at that time. I tears because i'm not able to catch Ginny. I not able to reach her at all.
Finally, I was so tired that I on my knee on the side of the track. resting but crying at the same time. I kept asking myself, what to do to be with her again. I'm willing to sacrifice anything just to be with her again. Why god treat me that way? I forgave her past. I accept her past. I don't care all that. I just want to be with her.
When we were 1st together, she told me about her past. she still afraid of relationship. She even more afraid that i may mind and leave her. I told her I love for who she is now, not because of the past. We will walk the future together from that day onward. But it seem didn't end that way.
I pick myself up. wipe my tears away and run back home. I kept work out none stop until I tired myself to the ground.
At night, i played a song through my keyboard. A song I liked it more many years. I believe more than 10 years ago. This song is called 'Winter ii'. It's a sad song where a guy broke up with his gf. He still miss her dearly. to avoid and runaway from sadness, he went for vacation by himself. At there he met a girl. The girl is local. They talked to each other and spend time together but they are not lover. After spending few days together, the girl said to him 'Even though you always look fine. But you seem to be trying too hard to keep everything to yourself. Straight forward but lack of warmth. You may look happy but at the time, you don't look happy as well ' The comment struck back his memoies with his previous gf.
After the comment, the guy silently thinking for himself. He remembered everything said and done with his previous gf. He start to realized, what he been doing until now ever since broke up with his gf. He been escaping. He want to do something to repair relationship but he don't dare. He want to go to to his gf and said one more time 'I love you' but he don't dare.
He understand now that, he doesn't need a reason to love someone. If you like her, just go and tell her. That's all to it. All we have to do is being honest, right? Honest about how I feel about her. Nothing gonna happen if keep running away.
The guy immediately the next day pack his stuff and back to the city. He look desperately for his gf. He found her, face to face. Smiling to each other and said 'I'm back and welcome back'. From there, it's up to them.
The story end at there. nobody knows what happen after. But because we don't know we scare of doing it. Still, if we don't do it, we will regret for the rest of our life.
I posted the song in wechat moment. Only then realized that only input 10sec. Wasted my recording over and over again to get it perfect. In the end, I just posted the 10 sec. Out of my surprise, Ginny is the 1st person liked the post. I not sure if she understand but that post of mine, the song i played, is for her. For her to know that I still love her........ I still want to be with her........
Despite how scare I am, I didn't tears. But my heart is crying. I went sleep. Even though my body is sleeping. My mind can't stop thinking. it active through out the whole night. Almost every night I can't sleep because I kept thinking of Ginny. For many nights I didn't has a peaceful sleep.
In the end, I woke up at around 4 to 5AM. I'm unable to sleep. My mind can't stop thinking about Ginny. It's really suffering. Everyday after sleepless night and insomnia, the next day I will pretend I'm alright. I had enough sleep. But actually my body will collapse anytime once I stop pretending. I always make it like nothing happen to me. Especially when with Kah hong and Kim San. Make them believe i'm fine. Making excuses on relationship related. But, I always hope I can tell them that i'm actually not ok.
I kept walk and walk and walk in my room. Round and round. I had flash back on the memory with Ginny.
I remember the day she came to HanaHana. looking for partime job. A bit clumsy but cute. I taught her to work, guided her, help her, and look after her. There was a time she hurt her hand during work. I think it was a burn. I immediately take her hand without a second thought and care for her hand.
Never once I thought she will be the love of my life. We were chatting on the phone. that time I using normal phone. There is no such thing as apps. text msg is how we started. chatting with her at that time was the happiest time I had when I'm in UK. In UK, i'm only happy when i'm with Kah Hong and Kim San. but we all had to work and we live separately, we can't see each other everything. Ginny, was the next person I felt so happy.
finally, one day we and Ginny went out. It was sudden. I even brought her by to my room and cook for her. I really want to start a relationship with her at that time but at the same time i scare that I may lose someone that important to me. Because Ginny not from Malaysia. and at that time she from a wealthy family that her family may not approve me. I'm really scare. I confronted Ginny. Told her the problem we may face in the future. I don't want to ruin her lift as well. She was young at that time.
She kept thinking without saying anything. I hold her hand and told her I like her. want to be with her. I gave her a kiss. That's how we started our relationship. from that day, It was the happiest day of my life.
I remember how I walk her by to her dorm. We were holding hand in cold weather. Then once I played a song '苦茶'. I was singing and walk with her. I can see her smile. Until today I didn't forget that smile. I tell myself I willing to be with her for the rest of my life.
Then I ask her to stay with me. I don't mind pay more rental. We were so funny. I'm moving her language. it was so heavy. and there is a downhill. by the time we finish move, my arms were very pain. But I not angry. I'm happy she stay with me.
Being with her changed my life. She cleaned my messy room. Accompany me by new bed sheet and water boiler.
Many thing happen from there. Other partimer said I only help her and gave her more time shift. but I don't care. Because ginny is really a hard worker. Then we were living from each other for a month because she went back to China and I back Malaysia for 3 weeks. We missed each other alot at that time. When we came back to UK, we were like inseparable . We went Nudo bar for lunch, even Kim San colleague said we both pouring love in entire restaurant.
I made one habit when I started be with her. is that whenever I woke up early than her for work or classes, I will give her a kiss on her forehead. I love the feeling kiss her forehead. I'm sure she feel the same and wish I could do it every single morning. I really miss it.
I have all these reflection until she left me. By the time I woke up from reflection while walking none stop, It already two hours!!!! what the heck. The sky going to be bright soon but still a little down. I decided to work out. I went out to Jog.
I run very hard. as if i'm runaway from something or chasing something. I don't know which. but I'm imagine that Ginny running in front of me, I run as hard as i can but I never able to catch up with her. I sweat a lot. My whole body is heavy but I kept push myself forward. I think I tears at that time. I tears because i'm not able to catch Ginny. I not able to reach her at all.
Finally, I was so tired that I on my knee on the side of the track. resting but crying at the same time. I kept asking myself, what to do to be with her again. I'm willing to sacrifice anything just to be with her again. Why god treat me that way? I forgave her past. I accept her past. I don't care all that. I just want to be with her.
When we were 1st together, she told me about her past. she still afraid of relationship. She even more afraid that i may mind and leave her. I told her I love for who she is now, not because of the past. We will walk the future together from that day onward. But it seem didn't end that way.
I pick myself up. wipe my tears away and run back home. I kept work out none stop until I tired myself to the ground.
At night, i played a song through my keyboard. A song I liked it more many years. I believe more than 10 years ago. This song is called 'Winter ii'. It's a sad song where a guy broke up with his gf. He still miss her dearly. to avoid and runaway from sadness, he went for vacation by himself. At there he met a girl. The girl is local. They talked to each other and spend time together but they are not lover. After spending few days together, the girl said to him 'Even though you always look fine. But you seem to be trying too hard to keep everything to yourself. Straight forward but lack of warmth. You may look happy but at the time, you don't look happy as well ' The comment struck back his memoies with his previous gf.
After the comment, the guy silently thinking for himself. He remembered everything said and done with his previous gf. He start to realized, what he been doing until now ever since broke up with his gf. He been escaping. He want to do something to repair relationship but he don't dare. He want to go to to his gf and said one more time 'I love you' but he don't dare.
He understand now that, he doesn't need a reason to love someone. If you like her, just go and tell her. That's all to it. All we have to do is being honest, right? Honest about how I feel about her. Nothing gonna happen if keep running away.
The guy immediately the next day pack his stuff and back to the city. He look desperately for his gf. He found her, face to face. Smiling to each other and said 'I'm back and welcome back'. From there, it's up to them.
The story end at there. nobody knows what happen after. But because we don't know we scare of doing it. Still, if we don't do it, we will regret for the rest of our life.
I posted the song in wechat moment. Only then realized that only input 10sec. Wasted my recording over and over again to get it perfect. In the end, I just posted the 10 sec. Out of my surprise, Ginny is the 1st person liked the post. I not sure if she understand but that post of mine, the song i played, is for her. For her to know that I still love her........ I still want to be with her........
Thursday, 17 May 2018
慢慢習慣
時間一分一秒讓情愛枯萎
沒有苦澀的眼淚
沒有想過永遠的完美
也沒有想過 到底會不會
一根紅缐牽引隱藏的曖昧
你我選擇背靠背
到底要彼此努力多少倍
才結束寂寞 兩顆心成一對
慢慢習慣一個人醉
慢慢習慣一個人睡
慢慢習慣一個人 去快樂去傷悲
慢慢習慣一個人飛
慢慢習慣沒有人陪
不需要些許安慰
不想分開還是分開不是罪
往后誰也不欠誰
未來不敢再多愛一回
想你的時候
開始喜歡天黑
更多更詳盡歌詞 在 ※ Mojim.com 魔鏡歌詞網
慢慢習慣一個人醉
慢慢習慣一個人睡
慢慢習慣一個人 去快樂去傷悲
慢慢習慣一個人飛
慢慢習慣沒有人陪
不需要些許安慰
你的沉默讓我覺得自己太可悲
我的淚證明了你的愛有多美
我不配 愛不能成灰
祈求再多一次機會
不想習慣一個人醉
不想習慣一個人睡
不想習慣一個人 拼命走拼命追
不想習慣一個人飛
不想習慣沒有人陪
為自己贖罪 為你贖罪
一步也不肯退
Ginny, 如果 時間能夠為妳而倒流
真的好想牽著妳的雙手 再說一次 我 愛 妳
沒有苦澀的眼淚
沒有想過永遠的完美
也沒有想過 到底會不會
一根紅缐牽引隱藏的曖昧
你我選擇背靠背
到底要彼此努力多少倍
才結束寂寞 兩顆心成一對
慢慢習慣一個人醉
慢慢習慣一個人睡
慢慢習慣一個人 去快樂去傷悲
慢慢習慣一個人飛
慢慢習慣沒有人陪
不需要些許安慰
不想分開還是分開不是罪
往后誰也不欠誰
未來不敢再多愛一回
想你的時候
開始喜歡天黑
更多更詳盡歌詞 在 ※ Mojim.com 魔鏡歌詞網
慢慢習慣一個人醉
慢慢習慣一個人睡
慢慢習慣一個人 去快樂去傷悲
慢慢習慣一個人飛
慢慢習慣沒有人陪
不需要些許安慰
你的沉默讓我覺得自己太可悲
我的淚證明了你的愛有多美
我不配 愛不能成灰
祈求再多一次機會
不想習慣一個人醉
不想習慣一個人睡
不想習慣一個人 拼命走拼命追
不想習慣一個人飛
不想習慣沒有人陪
為自己贖罪 為你贖罪
一步也不肯退
Ginny, 如果 時間能夠為妳而倒流
真的好想牽著妳的雙手 再說一次 我 愛 妳
Sunday, 1 April 2018
Dissapointment
After sent the birhtday email, I waited from day to day. Hoping for a reply. But until now, the 5th day, still, i didn't receive a reply from Ginny.
I'm disappointed. At the same time, expected. She have a lover now. I'm just a nobody to her. what was I expecting? A happy reply? A sad reply? A frustration reply? As people always say, no expectation, no disappointment.
Even if she did reply, so What? it's not like it gonna change anything. SHE IS WITH SOMEONE NOW. it doesn't change a damn thing even if she reply the email.
Last night, Kim San told me to find someone. I just replied 'i'm happy being alone. No stress, no pressure, no concern or whatsoever.'. Thinking back now, i'm just lying to myself.
Still, i believe i'm not gonna be in a relationship anymore. my heart, only have her. It doesn't have any space for a 2nd person now.
After I sent the birthday email to Ginny, I went to bed. that night I dream of Ginny. We both at a unknown place. we were walking side by side but not holding hand. We are awkward but I believe were on a walk to celebrate her birthday.
We kept on walk, then we saw a street stall. We bought some food and share the food together. We smile at each other, eating the warm food in a cold night. It was comfortable. Then we continue to walk, we arrived a grand hall or a ball. There were people dancing around. I reach my hand out and asked her for a dance. Ginny hold my hand and we were dancing happily in the hall. I remember the place is golden bright, with lights and roses around the place. But my eyes were on to Ginny only. We were very happy.
Then we left the ball room. Went back to walk at the street. But this time, we are holding hand. I start singing, I don't what did I sang but I can feel her hand and her warm. then i move her around by dancing by the street. We smile happily. We hold each other then I kiss on her forehead. After that, I woke up.
When i woke up, i did not feel sad or tears like I always do. I always dream of Ginny but always about being back together or argue or separation. This time, my heart is calm. I was wondering is my heart went cold? Am I not having feeling anymore? I'm just a person with a heart but no feeling of love or touch anymore?
At that time, I don't think it as a dream. I believe somewhere in another world, there is another version of me and Ginny. They are together and they love each other to the fullest. Despite that have nothing, they dance on the street, they hold hand, they give each other warmth, and more. At the very same moment, I'm just pray and wish happiness to the other world's Kenneth and Ginny, please treasure each other and wish both of you always love other till forever.
I'm disappointed. At the same time, expected. She have a lover now. I'm just a nobody to her. what was I expecting? A happy reply? A sad reply? A frustration reply? As people always say, no expectation, no disappointment.
Even if she did reply, so What? it's not like it gonna change anything. SHE IS WITH SOMEONE NOW. it doesn't change a damn thing even if she reply the email.
Last night, Kim San told me to find someone. I just replied 'i'm happy being alone. No stress, no pressure, no concern or whatsoever.'. Thinking back now, i'm just lying to myself.
Still, i believe i'm not gonna be in a relationship anymore. my heart, only have her. It doesn't have any space for a 2nd person now.
After I sent the birthday email to Ginny, I went to bed. that night I dream of Ginny. We both at a unknown place. we were walking side by side but not holding hand. We are awkward but I believe were on a walk to celebrate her birthday.
We kept on walk, then we saw a street stall. We bought some food and share the food together. We smile at each other, eating the warm food in a cold night. It was comfortable. Then we continue to walk, we arrived a grand hall or a ball. There were people dancing around. I reach my hand out and asked her for a dance. Ginny hold my hand and we were dancing happily in the hall. I remember the place is golden bright, with lights and roses around the place. But my eyes were on to Ginny only. We were very happy.
Then we left the ball room. Went back to walk at the street. But this time, we are holding hand. I start singing, I don't what did I sang but I can feel her hand and her warm. then i move her around by dancing by the street. We smile happily. We hold each other then I kiss on her forehead. After that, I woke up.
When i woke up, i did not feel sad or tears like I always do. I always dream of Ginny but always about being back together or argue or separation. This time, my heart is calm. I was wondering is my heart went cold? Am I not having feeling anymore? I'm just a person with a heart but no feeling of love or touch anymore?
At that time, I don't think it as a dream. I believe somewhere in another world, there is another version of me and Ginny. They are together and they love each other to the fullest. Despite that have nothing, they dance on the street, they hold hand, they give each other warmth, and more. At the very same moment, I'm just pray and wish happiness to the other world's Kenneth and Ginny, please treasure each other and wish both of you always love other till forever.
Wednesday, 28 March 2018
Happy 27th Birthday
It's already 2 years after the last birthday wish I sent to her through email.
She has a boyfriend now. It was unbearable for me on the day I knew it. It took me long time to cope with it. And I drunk on the very same day as well. Hope that alcohol will cover my pain and sadness.
The hatred in my heart, makes my heart sour. Makes my emotion shift like the ocean wave. But I hide it from the surface. Nobody will ever knows my true feelings.
And I have decided not to be in love anymore. I will live my life on my own for the rest of my life. A simple reason of i'm still loving her and wish for something that will never come true. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be fine, pretend to be doing well. Only when i'm alone, I know if i'm truly happy in my life.
Seeing my best friends getting married, made me happy. At the same moment, I imagined if I ever married with Ginny. I was speechless and stopped my heartbeat for that moment. But once I back to the reality, I knew I'm dreaming. The person she will be married, will not be me anymore.
Funny thing, I once made a promise to my own that I will ask her to married me once I'm in the Manager position. I worked hard for the last 5 years. And I manage to obtain the manager position on the 4th year. But I realised that there is no meaning to me on all these.
I know title, wealth, reputation and fame are nothing when the person you always wish to be with, and celebrate with, means nothing when she not beside you anymore.
I have been alone for many years. My heart is only full of her. Now, my heart is tired. So tired that it doesn't want to beat for someone else anymore.
Sometime, I just hope she will appear infront of me. Telling me 'If is not too late, can we rebuild everything all over again?' Will that ever happen? Should I pray for it? Maybe no expectation, no disappointment. In fact, expectation always breaks one hope.
I believe in, late better than never. But I think in this event, it will be forever and ever.
Are there a true love? If yes, why wouldn't we be together? I accepted her dark past. I didn't mind. But that's doesn't mean anything in the end. She left me. For a better one. Did she be with me just because want someone to get through her past? Or I'm the right person to sooth her painful heart at that time? Once she is fine, is time for her to move on with someone better? Is that the truth?
Regardless, no reason seeking the truth. Even though I seek the truth but a truth not come from seek and revealing but from trust. If you trust a person, no matter what they says, it will always be a truth. If you don't trust, even with fact and evidence, it will still be consider as fake. With this understanding, I knew my love toward her is real. I trust about what she told me about her dark past but I accept and trust I love her for who she is. I did not love her for her background.
I didn't send her the real birthday wish that come from my heart. I only dare write it here because I do not wish to interfere with her life and her new relationship.
Dear Ginny,
I still love you and I don’t want to hide this fact as even after our breakup, those lovely moments come before my eyes and I feel quite bad and sometimes cry over how things changed and how we couldn’t be together.
I don’t know whether you still miss me sometimes but I just want you to know that I miss you badly and that is not the only thing I want to say but I also want to say that my love for you was true and nothing has still changed.
I just want you to know that as you have left me, nothing in life seems better and actually, nothing is better, really. Everything seems gloomy and there is absolutely no happiness without you in my life over which I should hold on to.
You left me, you broke my heart, and shatter my soul. Still, what kept me moving forward until today, is still you. Appreciation and hatred still remain in my heart. But it always calm my heart when I close my eyes and feel the warm hug you always gave me.
I wish you all the best for your life and a very happy birthday to you. I love you, Ginny.
Kenneth
The one who always love you without condition
She has a boyfriend now. It was unbearable for me on the day I knew it. It took me long time to cope with it. And I drunk on the very same day as well. Hope that alcohol will cover my pain and sadness.
The hatred in my heart, makes my heart sour. Makes my emotion shift like the ocean wave. But I hide it from the surface. Nobody will ever knows my true feelings.
And I have decided not to be in love anymore. I will live my life on my own for the rest of my life. A simple reason of i'm still loving her and wish for something that will never come true. Pretend to be happy, pretend to be fine, pretend to be doing well. Only when i'm alone, I know if i'm truly happy in my life.
Seeing my best friends getting married, made me happy. At the same moment, I imagined if I ever married with Ginny. I was speechless and stopped my heartbeat for that moment. But once I back to the reality, I knew I'm dreaming. The person she will be married, will not be me anymore.
Funny thing, I once made a promise to my own that I will ask her to married me once I'm in the Manager position. I worked hard for the last 5 years. And I manage to obtain the manager position on the 4th year. But I realised that there is no meaning to me on all these.
I know title, wealth, reputation and fame are nothing when the person you always wish to be with, and celebrate with, means nothing when she not beside you anymore.
I have been alone for many years. My heart is only full of her. Now, my heart is tired. So tired that it doesn't want to beat for someone else anymore.
Sometime, I just hope she will appear infront of me. Telling me 'If is not too late, can we rebuild everything all over again?' Will that ever happen? Should I pray for it? Maybe no expectation, no disappointment. In fact, expectation always breaks one hope.
I believe in, late better than never. But I think in this event, it will be forever and ever.
Are there a true love? If yes, why wouldn't we be together? I accepted her dark past. I didn't mind. But that's doesn't mean anything in the end. She left me. For a better one. Did she be with me just because want someone to get through her past? Or I'm the right person to sooth her painful heart at that time? Once she is fine, is time for her to move on with someone better? Is that the truth?
Regardless, no reason seeking the truth. Even though I seek the truth but a truth not come from seek and revealing but from trust. If you trust a person, no matter what they says, it will always be a truth. If you don't trust, even with fact and evidence, it will still be consider as fake. With this understanding, I knew my love toward her is real. I trust about what she told me about her dark past but I accept and trust I love her for who she is. I did not love her for her background.
I didn't send her the real birthday wish that come from my heart. I only dare write it here because I do not wish to interfere with her life and her new relationship.
Dear Ginny,
I still love you and I don’t want to hide this fact as even after our breakup, those lovely moments come before my eyes and I feel quite bad and sometimes cry over how things changed and how we couldn’t be together.
I don’t know whether you still miss me sometimes but I just want you to know that I miss you badly and that is not the only thing I want to say but I also want to say that my love for you was true and nothing has still changed.
I just want you to know that as you have left me, nothing in life seems better and actually, nothing is better, really. Everything seems gloomy and there is absolutely no happiness without you in my life over which I should hold on to.
You left me, you broke my heart, and shatter my soul. Still, what kept me moving forward until today, is still you. Appreciation and hatred still remain in my heart. But it always calm my heart when I close my eyes and feel the warm hug you always gave me.
I wish you all the best for your life and a very happy birthday to you. I love you, Ginny.
Kenneth
The one who always love you without condition
Tuesday, 29 March 2016
Happy Birthday
Yesterday, It was Ginny birthday. Before that day, I have been thinking for very long. Should I talk to her or should I not?
In the end, I send a very simple 'happy birthday to her'. Didn't express much feeling because I don't know how to express any feeling anymore.
Of course, I got response from her. She said she was happy to receive my email on her birthday. I wonder, was that reply just a form of respect? Or something else? Well, I didn't think much or I didn't want to think too much. Because I scare of trust or thinking too much since that 'day'
In her previous email, she said she is wrong for hurting me. Also, she mentioned her 6 years in UK, the times I with her was the happiest time for her. Even now, she still have memories of it. Izzit true? At that time, im starting to thinking then why did we separated? My heart have no joy at all, only pain and pain and pain.
In the end, I send a very simple 'happy birthday to her'. Didn't express much feeling because I don't know how to express any feeling anymore.
Of course, I got response from her. She said she was happy to receive my email on her birthday. I wonder, was that reply just a form of respect? Or something else? Well, I didn't think much or I didn't want to think too much. Because I scare of trust or thinking too much since that 'day'
In her previous email, she said she is wrong for hurting me. Also, she mentioned her 6 years in UK, the times I with her was the happiest time for her. Even now, she still have memories of it. Izzit true? At that time, im starting to thinking then why did we separated? My heart have no joy at all, only pain and pain and pain.
My good colleague been asking me many times, do I still love her? Do I still care of her? Do I still think of her? I avoided the questions. I know I still think and care of her but the question on do I 'love' her? I really not sure.
I don't know what is love anymore. My heart feel nothing. No emotion or whatsoever. What if I love her? Then what? It will be the same.
My colleague even ask me, what if she come back to me? What will I response? I kept silent.
I may love her but I can't deny the fact that I was hurt in the past. I trust her but the trust was destroy and shatter.
It's been a long time since I last trust someone. My past experience teaches me not to trust anyone, anymore. It will only backfire.
I was doubt on ppl. I never trust anyone anymore. Not even a word. They can say anything they want but I remain neutral.
I scare of trusting. The thing and the person you trust, once it betrayed. It's difficult to restore it. So tell me, how should I response?
I choose the road to be alone. I chose the road not to love or be love ever again. Because I can't bear the pain anymore. Not even one more times. I afraid I may not able to take it.
I may be lonely but at least I won't be hurt again.
Again, Happy Birthday Ginny~ the one I love with all my heart
Sunday, 25 May 2014
希望
我知道她就要考试了。其实我想了三个星期，到底要不要和她打气。我很想但是没有这个勇气。我不是怕会打扰她。我是怕我会控制不到自己。
我想很久。我只能在心里和在这里为她打气。
希望你能考到很高分。成功的毕业。不需要重考。我会精神上为你打气，为你祈祷。除了考试，我也希望你的生活，你所做的一切一切会很顺利。
孤独和没胆量的我，每一天每一晚静静的为她祈祷。
Friday, 23 May 2014
孤独的晚上
我睡不着~觉得很孤独。心里觉得很酸。
每个晚上我都会回想自己整天在做什么。我每一天做的事情都是一模一样。感觉就好像在看同一个录影带。虽然在公司里每天嘻嘻哈哈的笑。但是没人可以看到我是多孤独的。
和平时一样，驾车的时候没有感觉。好像整个人已经麻木了。不知不觉，就已经回到家。有时候会坐在一边自己的傻笑。有时候我回想以前开心的事情而傻笑。有时候看到自己多孤独而笑。
我的人生还没有过到一半，我的人是也算是刚刚开始罢了。但是为什么我觉得好像很绝望，很累，很辛苦呢。没错，每个人都觉得辛苦。我爸妈，我妹，我哥还有我的朋友。这是人生毕竟会感觉到的事请。虽然我觉得累和辛苦但是我天天都咬着牙经的挨过去。但是我和其他人不同。我的努力回来的只不过是金钱上的满足。我心里依然是孤独的。
好久没有流眼泪了。也许哭累了。或者只是心里在哭罢了。天天看着别的情人在一起，就会想回以前很快乐的每一天。
我哥的小孩出生了。一个新生命的来临。很羡慕看着别人享受幸福。出生了一个月但是我去看他不超越十次。为什么？也许我会妒忌吧。也许看了我令我觉得我们以前谈过的事情。以前都会谈为我们以后的小孩取什么名字。也因为某下事情‘你’很害怕有孩子。你也问过我要是我们没有孩子会怎么办。我也不犹豫的回到你我不介意。大不了领养一个小孩。你也紧紧的抱着我。要是你再问回我同一样的问题，我还是给回同一个答案给你。
但是算吧！我有没有孩子都成问题了。也许到我‘走’那一天，我周围都不会有什么人了。
孤独和空虚的我，也只能孤单的活下去~
在这美丽的夜里, 等你等到我心碎怎么不见旧爱侣, 问问为何我空虚是我错失的字句, 把你伤透我不对今晚请你念过去, 来将心窝占据让我继续等下去, 等你等到我心碎星星今晚伴我醉, 就象同情我空虚又在雨中等你, 痴痴的我已心碎眼眶的雨渐引退, 人消失风里去等你等你等你 一世一世等你我真的真的不愿舍弃很想当天的一切能回味想你想你苦痛, 等你等到心痛,无情的北风将我吹送孤孤单单的我有点冻
每个晚上我都会回想自己整天在做什么。我每一天做的事情都是一模一样。感觉就好像在看同一个录影带。虽然在公司里每天嘻嘻哈哈的笑。但是没人可以看到我是多孤独的。
和平时一样，驾车的时候没有感觉。好像整个人已经麻木了。不知不觉，就已经回到家。有时候会坐在一边自己的傻笑。有时候我回想以前开心的事情而傻笑。有时候看到自己多孤独而笑。
我的人生还没有过到一半，我的人是也算是刚刚开始罢了。但是为什么我觉得好像很绝望，很累，很辛苦呢。没错，每个人都觉得辛苦。我爸妈，我妹，我哥还有我的朋友。这是人生毕竟会感觉到的事请。虽然我觉得累和辛苦但是我天天都咬着牙经的挨过去。但是我和其他人不同。我的努力回来的只不过是金钱上的满足。我心里依然是孤独的。
好久没有流眼泪了。也许哭累了。或者只是心里在哭罢了。天天看着别的情人在一起，就会想回以前很快乐的每一天。
我哥的小孩出生了。一个新生命的来临。很羡慕看着别人享受幸福。出生了一个月但是我去看他不超越十次。为什么？也许我会妒忌吧。也许看了我令我觉得我们以前谈过的事情。以前都会谈为我们以后的小孩取什么名字。也因为某下事情‘你’很害怕有孩子。你也问过我要是我们没有孩子会怎么办。我也不犹豫的回到你我不介意。大不了领养一个小孩。你也紧紧的抱着我。要是你再问回我同一样的问题，我还是给回同一个答案给你。
但是算吧！我有没有孩子都成问题了。也许到我‘走’那一天，我周围都不会有什么人了。
孤独和空虚的我，也只能孤单的活下去~
在这美丽的夜里, 等你等到我心碎怎么不见旧爱侣, 问问为何我空虚是我错失的字句, 把你伤透我不对今晚请你念过去, 来将心窝占据让我继续等下去, 等你等到我心碎星星今晚伴我醉, 就象同情我空虚又在雨中等你, 痴痴的我已心碎眼眶的雨渐引退, 人消失风里去等你等你等你 一世一世等你我真的真的不愿舍弃很想当天的一切能回味想你想你苦痛, 等你等到心痛,无情的北风将我吹送孤孤单单的我有点冻
Monday, 28 April 2014
一样~~~
已经一个月。这一个月我一直不断地专心工作。有时候留在公司多做一个小时，不介意的在公司等客人。
还记得两个星期前，我从早上八点做到晚上十点。除了早餐之外我整天都没吃过什么。只在休息的几分钟吃点饼干和水。我没期待我这些努力有什么回报。只不过不想一个人无思乱想。人生就是不公平，努力不代表会有好的回报。这是我学到的东西。有时候人真的要认命，没这样的命就是没有。
也许有些人觉得我这样想是很容易放弃的人。但是这不叫放弃，好听就说今天不行就明天再加油，不好听的就叫看开点和认命。每样东西都会有两面，只是看你想看哪一面罢了。
我一面看起来很努力，老板说我很能干，长时间上班，也很可信，虽然没找到很多生意但是我肯干。他们的看到只是这一面。另一面只有我自己看的到，也就是勉强自己忘记心里的痛苦。
这一个月我没什么哭了。但是心里依然觉得很孤独。要是这段时间我说我没有想‘她’的话，我只是在说谎。因为，每一天我都有想‘她’。也在这一个月里，我以为从她离开我之后是我一生人最痛苦的事情。其实不是！比这个还痛苦的是一个人已经放弃了‘明天’和不停地自己骗自己。
每一个人都有他们自己的梦想或者目标。但是在这些梦想和目标里面是隐藏原因。有些人的梦想是要有很多钱，有些人是要地位或者名利，有些人是为了家人或者自己。当我想我每一天的努力是为了什么的时候，我回答不到。其实我这一个月的努力也只是自己骗自己。就算我找到钱又怎样？我更本就不觉得满足。最后也一样孤独的生活。要是我有很多钱，比如说十亿，我宁愿将它来交换我和‘她’的幸福，永永远远在一起。
在这几天看不到她微信里更新，不多不少也知道去了旅行。不知道是不是在用我送给她的照相机。最可悲的是我永远不会在那个照相机出现。每一次‘妳’笑，‘妳’哭妳会想起我吗？‘妳’有没有问过‘妳’自己 ‘我现在过得好吗’？ 我有！
今天发现我看不见她微信里的照片了。我心里很痛，很难受。脑里出现很多问题，那些问题都令我很难过。我不知道我该怎样。真的很想哭，
我觉得我的人越来越没有感情了。上一周，我和家鸿他们出去吃饭。我觉得我整个晚上都没有任何感觉，我不觉得高兴，也不觉得不高兴。吃完晚饭，我没去吃甜品。在吃甜品我们聊了很多事情。当他们聊到感情事情的时候，我也不怎么出声。有时候也没有怎么回应。我也不知道为什么。
我不知道我能自己骗自己到几时~~~ ‘妳’知道我想你想的好苦吗？
还记得两个星期前，我从早上八点做到晚上十点。除了早餐之外我整天都没吃过什么。只在休息的几分钟吃点饼干和水。我没期待我这些努力有什么回报。只不过不想一个人无思乱想。人生就是不公平，努力不代表会有好的回报。这是我学到的东西。有时候人真的要认命，没这样的命就是没有。
也许有些人觉得我这样想是很容易放弃的人。但是这不叫放弃，好听就说今天不行就明天再加油，不好听的就叫看开点和认命。每样东西都会有两面，只是看你想看哪一面罢了。
我一面看起来很努力，老板说我很能干，长时间上班，也很可信，虽然没找到很多生意但是我肯干。他们的看到只是这一面。另一面只有我自己看的到，也就是勉强自己忘记心里的痛苦。
这一个月我没什么哭了。但是心里依然觉得很孤独。要是这段时间我说我没有想‘她’的话，我只是在说谎。因为，每一天我都有想‘她’。也在这一个月里，我以为从她离开我之后是我一生人最痛苦的事情。其实不是！比这个还痛苦的是一个人已经放弃了‘明天’和不停地自己骗自己。
每一个人都有他们自己的梦想或者目标。但是在这些梦想和目标里面是隐藏原因。有些人的梦想是要有很多钱，有些人是要地位或者名利，有些人是为了家人或者自己。当我想我每一天的努力是为了什么的时候，我回答不到。其实我这一个月的努力也只是自己骗自己。就算我找到钱又怎样？我更本就不觉得满足。最后也一样孤独的生活。要是我有很多钱，比如说十亿，我宁愿将它来交换我和‘她’的幸福，永永远远在一起。
在这几天看不到她微信里更新，不多不少也知道去了旅行。不知道是不是在用我送给她的照相机。最可悲的是我永远不会在那个照相机出现。每一次‘妳’笑，‘妳’哭妳会想起我吗？‘妳’有没有问过‘妳’自己 ‘我现在过得好吗’？ 我有！
今天发现我看不见她微信里的照片了。我心里很痛，很难受。脑里出现很多问题，那些问题都令我很难过。我不知道我该怎样。真的很想哭，
我觉得我的人越来越没有感情了。上一周，我和家鸿他们出去吃饭。我觉得我整个晚上都没有任何感觉，我不觉得高兴，也不觉得不高兴。吃完晚饭，我没去吃甜品。在吃甜品我们聊了很多事情。当他们聊到感情事情的时候，我也不怎么出声。有时候也没有怎么回应。我也不知道为什么。
我不知道我能自己骗自己到几时~~~ ‘妳’知道我想你想的好苦吗？
Thursday, 27 March 2014
猜到了
我送给她的礼物到了。在这个礼物，我没有祈求过什么回报。我也不知道我为什么要送礼物。虽然知道不会有什么好的回应或者任何转变但是我还是送去了。为什么？因为我心里还在乎。不管多少年，我也会在乎。
早上我没想到她会在facebook上信息我。这个信息给我很多疑问。但是这些疑问已不重要。答案是怎样都不重要了。改变不到的事情就算知道了也于事无补。看了那个信息我很心疼。我不多不少也猜到要是她信息我也是写这些类型的信息。
看了信息，我很伤心。就算准备了会收到这个信息我依然还很伤心。工作刚刚开始但是我的人已经很累。一点力气都没有。其实在那个时候我很想流眼泪。但是我没有。我和平时一样那样上班。把一切一切不开心的都放在心里。我不知道我能忍多久但是能忍几久就几久。
我每天在外大声笑多多话。这都是隐藏自己的悲伤。回到家，不，因该是回到房我会变成一个不会说话的布娃娃。为什么我说自己是布娃娃？因为我好像那些布娃娃那样坐在床上什么都不做，动也不动。心里不停的流眼泪。眼睛我慢慢望着墙上的照片，一直不停的回忆着那时候的快乐，和对方答应的承诺。我们彼此都说过不过离开对方。但是这承诺已打破了。这世界没有什么承诺不承诺。开心就说说承诺。不开心承诺只不过是说说笑，说说爽吧了。只有我这样的傻瓜才会傻傻的坐在这里把守着自己说过的承诺。
我已无情了。心里无爱，不会爱了，也不会被爱了。
也许在你生日那天你的‘更好’会和你庆祝吧。而我只会坐在这等。不知道等什么。也许不是等，是在胡思乱想。但是你做什么已经和我无关了。我没权利过问也没权利去知道哦。
你说不要再送礼物了，和不要理你了或者不烦你了也没什么区别。我在这祝你生日快乐。祝你幸福快乐。上帝或者神。我已不要幸福和快乐了。请把我未来幸福和快乐都传给她吧。幸福和快乐对我已经不重要了。因为我不懂得怎样去珍惜他们。而她会，所以她离开我了。
真的很想大大声的说‘我是个废物’，我是个被抛弃的废物！！！！！！！！！
生日快乐，我爱你
Sunday, 23 March 2014
满足
我的新车来了。但是不知道为什么当我看到我的车我感觉不到一点兴奋。不像我哥和我妹，他们看到他们的新车都很兴奋很开心。但是我就没有那个开心的感觉。我们三兄妹一起买新车，每个人都是用自己的钱买的。当然会有那些满足感。我第一次出车都是用自己的钱买的。我唯一满足的就是这一点。但是我开始问自己，我开心吗？满足和开心是两回事。我感觉骄傲罢了。但是这都不是我要的。
本来我没有打算要买车的。我也不知道为什么我会做这个决定。心里好酸好难过。
有时候坐在车上我都会很心酸，我买车又怎样？买的又不是什么宝马之类的车。 心里面好乱，我都不知道想说什么。
我的脾气越来越暴躁。是不是就对家人和同事发脾气。我很担心迟早会对客人发脾气。其实是有过几次在电话我发脾气加丢电话。都是遇到那些没脑的客人。
在别人眼前我好像很好，看到我有新车，他们都替我开心。但是心里和他们想的都是相反。
我很想念她。真的很想念。每晚都会回忆我们在一起的时候。很甜蜜很开心。我好想回去那个时候。 你知道吗？我好想你~~~
本来我没有打算要买车的。我也不知道为什么我会做这个决定。心里好酸好难过。
有时候坐在车上我都会很心酸，我买车又怎样？买的又不是什么宝马之类的车。 心里面好乱，我都不知道想说什么。
我的脾气越来越暴躁。是不是就对家人和同事发脾气。我很担心迟早会对客人发脾气。其实是有过几次在电话我发脾气加丢电话。都是遇到那些没脑的客人。
在别人眼前我好像很好，看到我有新车，他们都替我开心。但是心里和他们想的都是相反。
我很想念她。真的很想念。每晚都会回忆我们在一起的时候。很甜蜜很开心。我好想回去那个时候。 你知道吗？我好想你~~~
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
还是一样~~~
已经一个月了。 以为一切会有点改变。但是没有。这一个月我只在自己骗自己。
每一天我只戴着一个面具做人。没一天当我走出我的房门，我就好像另外一个人。在笑在开玩笑在努力的做工的样子但是当我回我的房我的面具就拿走了。我会变成一个很孤独的人。虽然孤独但我也不希望有人，很想静静的一个人在房间里过时间。
也许很多人会问我为什么我要这样挣扎？ 为什么我要这么顽固？ 为什么为了一个以不爱我的人过这样辛苦又孤独的生活？
挣扎？对！我是在挣扎。但是在这个世界上有谁不挣扎？为了得到一个东西，人就会一直挣扎。挣扎做工找多点的钱。挣扎表现自己为了名声。挣扎爱情为了和爱人一起。我不知道每一个人在他生活里挣扎是为了什么。 但是我现在挣扎是为了我爱的人。因为她我整个世界可以180度不同的变化。可以从充满希望的世界变成了现实的地狱。现实是残忍，别人对我残忍我不介意。但是被一个心爱的人对你残忍是很可怕的事情。我从来没有过问她的过去和错过。因为我爱她。为何我要为了这样的东西就放弃我爱的人。但是我错了，因为现实我被放弃和嫌弃了。
正常来说我是应该放弃这个挣扎。别人也许看到我这样会觉得我太傻。但是他们不知道，要是我放弃挣扎我会整个人都疯掉。因为这个挣扎，我还可以保持我的理智。
差不多我每天都会发噩梦。我的精神越来越弱了。下午工作会觉得很累很困。那种半夜被吓醒然后满头大汗的感觉是很可怕。醒了就会很怕再睡。所谓日有所思，夜有所梦。每天在想着什么就会发梦什么。
上个星期和Kim庆祝生日。其实开始的时候我在车上很静，但是感觉到那些不愉快的感觉我也开始戴我的面具。开始说废话。了解他们的工作。他们问我为什么不找他们。我就很自然的回答因为很忙。忙什么？我也不知道。我只知道我在给借口。他们也问，为什么病了不说，还是差点要进医院的。我就回答，我没有可能特地和他们报告我病吧~ 别说告诉他们，我连家人都没告诉。就自己一个人搞定。发热发冷，头晕，呕，和累。是很辛苦，但是最辛苦不是这些。是当我病了，我心里一直希望她会在，她会问候我，但是没有。这个比病还痛苦一百倍。晚上病的很辛苦，但是心里只想着一个人。只想着她是否过得很快乐？流着眼泪和生病的我觉得好孤独好辛苦。
在这一个月我看到不少为了爱而自杀的人。很多人看了这些新闻都会给一个样子的评论。不珍惜生命。没错，为爱自杀的人是不珍惜生命。但是我从来都不会看不起他们的做法。因为我了解他们的痛苦。他们都一心一意的去爱但是最后被抛弃。他们都很清楚表达他们可以爱到多深。他们选择死因为他们忍受不到那种痛苦。那种每一天被精神折磨的痛苦生活下去是很难受的。我也能随时走这条路但是我还挣扎着。
我看到一个女生的故事。在她临死前做的事情。她和她朋友说她已经不行了。她把一切一切都给他但是他抛弃了她然后去找别人。她把她前男友所送的礼物给放在床上烧。然后走到很高的地方，拍照然后放在网上。然后就跳了。那个女生背景很好，满有钱，也很漂亮。很多人都说很可惜。还骂她自己生命都不珍惜，怎样会有人珍惜她。那些不知道发生什么事的人只懂乱乱评论。你的生活过得好不代表你做的决定是对，只不过是你幸运，只不过你不把一些人和事情对你很重要，所以有些人就算失去一些东西都不会伤心很久，因为他们都没有正正把那些东西看的很重。那些只不过是可以随时当垃圾丢掉的东西。也许我看错！也许我说错！每个人有他自己做人的原则。我也不能批评什么。但是我也希望那些自以为是的人，不要以为自己过得好，就能批评那些自杀的人是错的。是你们不了解我们对爱情看的比金还重罢了。
我相信这世界有人会为了他们的爱人，就算粉身碎骨都会不顾一切的保护他们。只不过，这些人都被叫为傻瓜。
我很累，很痛苦。但是至少我从来没有背叛我所说的承诺。我是很想和她有未来。我是要给她幸福的。到现在我还是这样想。有人会问我为什么？我的原因很简单。因为我爱她。
Saturday, 15 February 2014
Friday, 14 February 2014
在等待的情人节
今天是情人节。这个节日令我很怕。怕她是否会有人约她出去？是否她会出去见别人？我很怕。到现在我还是没收到任何信息。心跳一直不断的加速。
我的精神越来越不行了。上班都集中不到。虽然我在公司里八个小时。但是我工作不超过两个小时。我头很晕，无法集中工作，很多东西都想不通，连和客人谈话都出错。一直不断的重复和改正我的话。
每一个晚上我都会半夜吓醒。一直发噩梦。就好像昨晚，我吓醒了，满头大汗，都是冷汗。我觉得很害怕。只懂躲在被里。整个人都在抖。我不断在脑力鼓励自己。告诉自己我不能这样放弃，不能这样害怕。我还要保护她的。她在我脑里出现。她很漂亮但是感觉她离我越来越远了。我一直不停的在追她。我要追回她，她是我的梦，我的生命里最重要的人。我不能没了她。
这年的情人季，我过的很伤心很伤心~但是我依然坐在我电脑面前的等着她。一直不停的留意我的电话。每一次电话响我都会很紧张的去看是不是她来找我。
在2014的情人季，Ginny，我爱你一生一世~因为你才会有今天的我。
我的精神越来越不行了。上班都集中不到。虽然我在公司里八个小时。但是我工作不超过两个小时。我头很晕，无法集中工作，很多东西都想不通，连和客人谈话都出错。一直不断的重复和改正我的话。
每一个晚上我都会半夜吓醒。一直发噩梦。就好像昨晚，我吓醒了，满头大汗，都是冷汗。我觉得很害怕。只懂躲在被里。整个人都在抖。我不断在脑力鼓励自己。告诉自己我不能这样放弃，不能这样害怕。我还要保护她的。她在我脑里出现。她很漂亮但是感觉她离我越来越远了。我一直不停的在追她。我要追回她，她是我的梦，我的生命里最重要的人。我不能没了她。
这年的情人季，我过的很伤心很伤心~但是我依然坐在我电脑面前的等着她。一直不停的留意我的电话。每一次电话响我都会很紧张的去看是不是她来找我。
在2014的情人季，Ginny，我爱你一生一世~因为你才会有今天的我。
Thursday, 13 February 2014
还关心她
早上看到她说胃不舒服。我很担心。我也想了很久到底要不要问她还好吗。本来我打算不问，因为我的一直乱想。很担心这样也很担心那样。但是最后我也忍不住的去问她。我还爱她，我还关心她。不管过了多久我依然会很爱她的。因为我对她是真心，我要保护她一辈子。
她的回复很简单。她没事，也吃了药。我虽然很放心但是心里还是很心痛。我希望她会关心我问我。但是她没有。她下一个信息就是她要去睡了。加上她很晚才睡令我很担心很怕。和平时一样，上班的路上我不停的流眼泪。一路上我不停的想着她。很需要她。我不能没了她。
有人可以告诉我该如何吗？我真的不想没了她。她对我很重要。比我的生命重要很多。她是我的未来也是我努力的原因。她有想我吗？我问候她的时候她在想什么？我很想知道。我很在乎她。我很想在他身边照顾她一辈子。Ginny，你以前说过你让我照顾你一辈子的。直到我们到老。我会喊你老太婆，你会叫我老头子。你记得吗?我们有很多回忆但是最重要的是我们还可以创作更多的回忆。我爱你，我爱你一生一世。
她的回复很简单。她没事，也吃了药。我虽然很放心但是心里还是很心痛。我希望她会关心我问我。但是她没有。她下一个信息就是她要去睡了。加上她很晚才睡令我很担心很怕。和平时一样，上班的路上我不停的流眼泪。一路上我不停的想着她。很需要她。我不能没了她。
有人可以告诉我该如何吗？我真的不想没了她。她对我很重要。比我的生命重要很多。她是我的未来也是我努力的原因。她有想我吗？我问候她的时候她在想什么？我很想知道。我很在乎她。我很想在他身边照顾她一辈子。Ginny，你以前说过你让我照顾你一辈子的。直到我们到老。我会喊你老太婆，你会叫我老头子。你记得吗?我们有很多回忆但是最重要的是我们还可以创作更多的回忆。我爱你，我爱你一生一世。
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
简简单单
今天早上我醒的时候，我做回平时我第一样会做的事情。也就是看电话。当我看了我整个人都傻了，我脑里出了很多疑问，这些疑问令我的心很乱很痛。我觉得很痛苦，感觉我的精神就快崩溃了。我抱紧我自己，双脚圈在一起。我的身体一直不停的发抖。我不停的抓我自己的腕，抓到伤抓到流血，我这样这是为了让我自己冷静。我在电话里看到的东西让我控制不到自己。我不知道在这样的情况多久。直到我整个人不抖了脚也累了。我整个人慢慢地放松。我开始流眼泪了。我好辛苦。
别人以为我这样做是很傻或者疯了但是我不是！我还理智。只不过没人了解我的情况。重要的是我没别人那么幸福，当有事的时候我需要的人不在我身边我只能用这样的方法对我自己。
我起来去洗澡但是我整个人都很累，没精神。觉得我刚刚已用了全身的能力来控制我的恐惧感。我双脚很软，没力气。当我准备好了，我很匆忙的出门，连早餐也不拿就走了。不是我没时间，只不过不想家人看到我眼红和没精神的样。
在上班路上，我哭了一段时间。心里和脑里都是空白。不知道该怎么办。一直等着不会来的事情。但是还是很傻的继续等。因为我放不下，也放弃不了。为什么其他人可以轻易的放弃对他们很重要的人？
我早15分钟到了。在车里听歌和傻傻的想回我刚刚和她再回一起的时候，也才四个月前的事。我们差不多天天都会视频聊天。很多话题也很开心。不觉得孤独。有一个月我的上网竟然超过我一个月的quota。其实要是我们两人都很简单的生活的话，在一起不是一个问题。我觉得到也看得到我们是很开心的。不会为了一些我们追求不到的事请而吵架。我们用我们拥有的来满足我们自己。这才是真真的幸福。有些事情或者东西我们也许现在得不到但是我知道，只要我们努力我们肯定有一天会得到。还是是很开心的得到。
我回想了很多事情但是上班时间也到了。也是时候停止自己流眼泪了。我在车里冷静了一下，就收拾心情去上班。但是今天上班很多事情都很不顺利。就算我一直告诉自己要做好事情但是真的很困难。我一直被感情影响了我的工作。一直假装自己没事。当忍不住了，就会跑去后楼梯一个人冷静。也会有哭的时候。我真的不想这样天天过日子。我也不知道我能这样一直假装到几时？我不想我身边的人担心才一直逼自己没事，用身体的痛来控制心里的伤。我想不到憋得方法了，有的话请让我知道。为了她我肯做任何事情，我只想和她一起简简单单的生活。
我在等着你，你知道吗？我等完了又再等。别让我再等了。我们是爱对方，我们需要的是很简单。你知道的。我爱你，Ginny。
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
憔悴的我
我好累~我不是身体累,是我的精神很累。我整个人都一直忍着我心里面那个痛苦和挣扎。
这两天我上班都很容易向同事个发脾气。我一直很努力的忍着。我忍的好辛苦。还有一次我跑去后楼梯的流眼泪。我真的很累很累。我的心很累。我一直不停的在等着她找我。但是每一天每一晚我都等不到。她到底知不知道我在等着她？我脑里很乱，我更本就不能专心上班。我很怕我很急我很担心。这个时候我已经知道我有恐惧症。
你知道吗？当你有恐惧症的时候我都在你的身边支持你保护你。现在我很需要你。请别离开我。我一直相信你还爱我的。你记得我刚认识你的时候，你告诉我你的恐惧症，你怕你的过去。当我知道你以前的事，我想也不想的抱着你，和你说‘一切都过去了，我会保护你不会离开你也不会介意你的过去。‘ 你那是也紧紧的抱着我。我不知道那时候你在想什么？不知道你告诉我了我是不是会介意你。很奇妙的我更本就有介意那个想念。因为我爱你。
我现在有恐惧症。你应该是不知道，你也许不知道是什么令到我有这个恐惧症。你不知道这个恐惧症给我带来的痛苦。那种可以令我疯的痛苦。每一个晚上我都很大力的抱紧自己，那种很烦恼，很着急，心里和脑里都很乱的感觉是很难受。我哭出来但是还是很难受。我不知道我可以怎样。
我还想你。我天天都看着电话的等你。别让我再等了。你快找我吧！你还记得你对我说的话吗？你说我们走的路是可以很简单的。我可以无条件的原谅你，不记前事的包容你。为什么你不能？只要你好好的想，我们是可以很简单很开心的在一起。别背板你对我说的话。别再伤害我了。我受不了了。
我们还有很多地方还没去的。很多没试过的食物。很多没做的事情。我们说过要走教堂的。你说过不再离开我的~我不想一个人的呆在房里为你而哭了。为了你我已憔悴了~
这两天我上班都很容易向同事个发脾气。我一直很努力的忍着。我忍的好辛苦。还有一次我跑去后楼梯的流眼泪。我真的很累很累。我的心很累。我一直不停的在等着她找我。但是每一天每一晚我都等不到。她到底知不知道我在等着她？我脑里很乱，我更本就不能专心上班。我很怕我很急我很担心。这个时候我已经知道我有恐惧症。
你知道吗？当你有恐惧症的时候我都在你的身边支持你保护你。现在我很需要你。请别离开我。我一直相信你还爱我的。你记得我刚认识你的时候，你告诉我你的恐惧症，你怕你的过去。当我知道你以前的事，我想也不想的抱着你，和你说‘一切都过去了，我会保护你不会离开你也不会介意你的过去。‘ 你那是也紧紧的抱着我。我不知道那时候你在想什么？不知道你告诉我了我是不是会介意你。很奇妙的我更本就有介意那个想念。因为我爱你。
我现在有恐惧症。你应该是不知道，你也许不知道是什么令到我有这个恐惧症。你不知道这个恐惧症给我带来的痛苦。那种可以令我疯的痛苦。每一个晚上我都很大力的抱紧自己，那种很烦恼，很着急，心里和脑里都很乱的感觉是很难受。我哭出来但是还是很难受。我不知道我可以怎样。
我还想你。我天天都看着电话的等你。别让我再等了。你快找我吧！你还记得你对我说的话吗？你说我们走的路是可以很简单的。我可以无条件的原谅你，不记前事的包容你。为什么你不能？只要你好好的想，我们是可以很简单很开心的在一起。别背板你对我说的话。别再伤害我了。我受不了了。
我们还有很多地方还没去的。很多没试过的食物。很多没做的事情。我们说过要走教堂的。你说过不再离开我的~我不想一个人的呆在房里为你而哭了。为了你我已憔悴了~
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