in her new blog she miss someone. i wonder is who. ronnie? her ex? i wish it will be me. but...haizzz.... i remember she told that she used to thing of me during raining day. i wonder will it still be the same that she think about me during rain day.

i want to tell her that even best friend will have misunderstanding and argue. but argue doesn't means it i all bad thing... it sometime make people bond get stronger... i only can hope you and your friend will be fine.

i didn't tell her directly, and i don't even know if yee ling will still read my blog a not but i just want to tell her this... sorry if i'm too busy body... just an opinion from me...

i miss you... i know you will be back during novermber. i hope after you back and receive my present you will reply me mail. i'm waiting

last night i dream of her again. i feel so empty when i wake up... feel so lost...

last week on my day off... even though i walk with my fren but i feel as if walk alone... sometime i just walk away from them and walk on my own... i keep walk and walk and walk... i saw many ppl on the way... most of them talking with each other... some of them laughing... some of them feel so lovely... but only me walking alone with nothing...

my friend ask me why i will able to buy a 100 pound present without hesitation but unable to buy 10 pound cloth for myself... i kept silent... not that i unable to answer but i doesn't want to answer. even though i know the answer but what's the point. will they even understand. most importantly will she understand? i willing to give everything i have to someone but not willing give a little thing to myself... because i know she more important than me... no, it because she is important to me... she always been important to me no matter what no matter how...

she update her facebook... but... hmmm i don't even know what feeling should... happy? sad? disappointed? pain?

the only think i 1st had in my mind is did she back kl yet... did she receive my present... because i'm waiting her reply...

winter ii, the song i listen everynight... express my true feeling... cold, and loneliness... a song that someone that being left behind by the one he love... walking down the street with every snow cover the top of its head... each step leave a mark on the snow... each step contain a memory with happiness and sadness... because the guy think nothing but the past that he has been through with the girl in every step he walks..... he raise his palm, feeling the snow from the sky... he feel so cold. And his heart is as cold as the snow that cover him... the wind that blew on his face are cold as well... all he feel is nothing but cold... but his feeling toward the one he love can melt anything. that's what make him survive, even he is alone in the winter... because it once warm the heart of his love one during the time she is alone and cold.

it's already been two week since i send the present to her... i wonder does it safely arrive her house... i hope it will...

i remember the day her birthday arrive, it was raining very heavy for the whole day... i wonder does the god know that i'm very sad... my heart feel so pain... after finish work i sit outside of my house... cover myself with rain... as if cover my tears with every rain drop on my cheek... hide my ugly face... my stupid face... sitting doesn't know what to do but cry... mind full of nothing but question... full of nothing but only yee ling... what it's mean by loving someone? what i get? what i lost? faith, hope, dream, and happiness... sometime all this is nothing but just a lies... but because believe one day all these thing will arrive, i have done alot of dreaming... hope it will come... have faith in her... did i believe the right thing? did i believe the right person? i don't know but i only know i believe every word she said to me...

today is 09.09.2009... it's has a meaning to me... because of this day i send out my feeling in a letter with her present together... i hope it will arrive to her safely... i wonder what she doing on this special day... sometime i ask myself, what i can give her? i only can tell her that i will give my best to her... i share her pain and give her the happiness that she need... that's what i thinking

i really hope she know how i feel. at the same time i hope in her heart i always exist. i wish she need me more than anyone else.. i know i can't be by her side now when she need me but i promise i will be there for her. we only need to bear a little more... i will be by her side no matter what... i don't want be someone who hurt her... i want be someone who can ease her pain... her sadness and her stress... i can't help with her study but i'll accompany her through all the process... i can't give her idea but i will cook something to let her feel better... when she stress i will make her favorite ice lemon to calm her down... when she tired i borrow my shoulder and arm to let her rest and be her blanket to warm her...

it's her birthday... and it's already pass... i ask lay ming to help me sms her... of course, without mention my name in it... even though yee ling ask to know who is it that sms her... but lay ming remain silent... i did it like this because i never wanted my name appear in her phone... or maybe i never wanted her know i still exist around her...

she abandon me... once again... 3 years ago and 3 years after... she abandon me for another guy again... i really want to know what am i to her... i love her... i really love her... i wait and wait and wait... but what i get in the end... nothing but pain and loneliness...

yee ling, what are you thinking? did she thinking why i dind't send you sms? not i didn't send but you did not know i send... because even if i sent what will you answer? and how you feel? just like 3 years ago, you feel nothing and just reply thanks...

i really hope all this just a dream... not too long ago we were still chatting in phone... u need me, u wish for me... and you wait for me... but why did you leave me again... why you treat me like this again.... i don't understand... am i just a rubbish... am i not worth.... i believe and trust you... but why did you follow someone else... why... tell me why...

yee ling, it may be pass but i really want to tell you myself that happy birthday and hope your wish come true, i miss you... and i love you...

it's been few week... even though i keep say that i'm alright... i don't care... but all these are nothing but lies..... i trust her, i believe her...... but what i get..... until now she didn't contact me... i feel so stupid... she treat me like a fool... while i was still believe in her... wait her... love her.... she already being with someone else and i didn't know at all... why did she lie to me... why she said she put me in her heart..... why she said i should know what is her feeling toward me... why she said she miss me? why she said that she feel a warm breeze on her face when i say her name... whenever i think back all these... i feel she treat me like an idiot... a toys... a lifeboat.... why she hurt me again... why once again she leave me for another guy... what am i to her.....

most of all what the heck is my problem... even after all these i still believe her and trust her... i want stop all these feeling... but i can't... i love her... and i trust her even now....

why yee ling... why.... izzit you want to keep quiet again like 3 years ago... leaving me behind with all the pain you gave me... and you only care your own happiness... i don't mind how you treat me 3 years ago... but why this time you have to treat me like this again... i know you didn't promise me anything but will you ever deny that you never say those word to me... say that you have feeling on me... wait for me... and ask me to trust you no matter what.....

do you know i feel like an idiot? like a rubbish? like a lifeboat? did you ever care of how i feel...