i can't sleep at all... it's 4.35am... my mind keep on thinking thing... sometime i don't even feel i sleep at all... until now i haven't receive anything from her... well, i only worry about if she receive the card a not... even though i working now but i don't really feel happy about it... while i feel i wanted to go back... becoz whenever i think that everyday i spend my thing just myself and only myself, my life like nothing but just like a video record for my everyday life.

yes, if a person with no future their life is nothing but a video record everyday. everynight i tears for her... so what... after the tears gone then another day comes... after the day end then tears come again... thing happen again and again... i lose hope in many thing... the only thing left with me is my family and friend... i really wish to be back what i used to be... but not who i am now... is totally diff...

Yee Ling, no matter how many times i said i love you, no matter how i everyday look on ur photo... u will never had me in ur heart... never...and this wat makes me feel the pain in my heart. i know you are the one i love most in this world... there isn't a single day that i do'nt think of you... tat's the reason i tears for every day and night... i really love you...

it's been a week since her birthday. i wonder has my card reach to her yet... i hope it will. i didn't wish reward or a reply. i only hope the card will reach to her. i send becoz i want to... not hoping for anything at all... hoping will only make me more disappointed. therefore, just send and reach to her then is fine. till now i still haven't got a job.. but sometime i feel is a good thing for me. becoz i not sure of my ownself that what will become of me. there are still a lot of question in me. and i still unable to answer it myself.

each night... i thinking the same thing. it makes sad a lot. it's never made me happy. sometime i really hope stop to think. but i unable to control my mind. each word, any thing that i saw in my everyday life will always come out the same thing. it's true that in this world everyone is selfish no matter who or what. but what we gain from selfish? happiness? wealth? or painful? i don't know.

yesterday, i had a chat with my roomate and housemate. about why girl will play girls feeling. i know during my secondary school time. there are alot of this kind of ppl in my school. and i kinda hate them alot. there is one perspective that ppl always use. 'don't burn the whole forest just becoz of a tree'... in my belief, there are two way of this perspective... one is that it is ok for sacrifice a tree for a forest. it's mean u don't need to treasure or even care of anyone. becoz they are still alot of choice out there. there are ppl who think that after playing with a guy or girl, it's ok to leave them becoz there are alot more outside. the second is that only use on those who always stuborn on a tree. and never notice the others...

for me, every single tree is important... there isn't anything about sacrifice or burn it... tree are not only the one i love. but my fren, my family and those who beside me and around me. in this world there isn't any single tree will be 100% same as the others. when i lost the tree, it's mean i lost it forever. it's not sometime that able to replace by growing a new tree or search in the forest.

i will never accept this perspective in my life... never... to me everyone is important... Yee Ling, i was unable to give up on you... becoz in my heart, u truly are important to me... you already love someone else but in this 2 year, i still love you from the bottom of my heart. i also sorry for angry with you 1 year ago... tears had been flowing out from my eyes in this 2 years. and it's never been stop... those tears are flowing through my face becoz of you... even now... each time i write a new blog... i can't stop myself from tears and pain are keep hurting my heart...

i think it's already decide that i will be keep on staying here in UK. i might not so happy about it but i know atleast i know what i want. just that i unable to achieve it, just like lastime. i know i want to back compare to stay. becoz i keeping a promise. not only a promise. but i want to see her again. just that. but all this no more than just an excuse. even i'm really go back, will i able to see her still a question without an answer...

i know being here need to work everything as long as there is income. not that i'm want to choose the job i feel i like it. i know what situation i'm in. and i need to work when there is a job. i know this since before i'm came to newcastle and visit london. i already prepared that... even watch toilet i might think about it before... maybe becoz my heart still wanted to go back...

haha, sometime i really laugh til my tear come of... thinking what kind of person i am... useless and worthless... unable to make a choice i want. unable to walk on the road i want... unable to gain what i really want... that's why i'm all alone all this time... walk alone on the street... without anyone beside... only know count on other. this is what kind of person i am... i lose the confident i used to have. becoz i lose hope on keep on living. becoz i don't want a good life that only i'm alone know about it.

when i'm sleep. i always think of what i want. do i want to keep on living? what should i do? hmm... all this nothing but a darkness in my heart... the old kenneth is already dead... the new kenneth is nothing but only know how to count on other and useless... this is the kenneth i know... i really lost alot of thing in my life...

yesterday suan cheng wan to return the money that i help him paid for his dinner bill but he said need to minus some of the ingredient that he bought few day ago. 1st i thought i paid him already but he say that was another bill... well, then he try to explaine to me, and said wasn't wanted to cheat. of course i know he wasn't wanted to cheat on me about it. maybe i forget about it or remember wrongly. well, i don't wish our friendship being ruin with just a few pound.

2day he gave me back 5 pound then i ask him why he dind't minus. he answer that maybe he remember wrong. hmm, maybe he just unhappy or something. i don't wan to simply guess about it. maybe yesterday i shuold keep quiet and gave him money. so without his notice, i put back another 1 pound 50 back to his deck. he won't notice coz i put it together with his other coin. i think just forget about it like this. sometime i know i will forget thing as well. and i'm the kind who won't remember thing that share with my fren. coz i do'nt mind and i know they won't cheat on me. however, it's past... just be it...

just now linda thought of giving back me the money that she own me... but she said to make it easy, suan cheng help her pay. and she own suan cheng... hmm, i wonder what the diff... maybe the diff is between debtor hahaha... but more or less, i begin to feel that ppl around me is getting far from me. it's normal... but this kind of distance is not about normal distance but about the friendship distance... i know out of all the 5 of us. i'm the worst in all of them. i don't have any basic knowledge such as economy, politic and others. what i know is play games. diff from them, i can consider as stupid as well... knowing and together with them is one of my lucky thing. i know there won't be many chance that we will spend time together.

sometime i don't know why i feel nowadays wat i did makes them getting far away from me. i wonder was it me or something else. i don't really bother much about it... i know in future i will be alone. that's what i feel about or that is what i predict.

sometime i look back all the blog that i wrote. compare to the person i was in the past. i'm really a diff person from how i used to be. whenever i have the will on doing something, i will never give up. no matter in game, study or sport. but now, without even try i would just give it up. becoz i got the feeling of disppointed after fail. i don't want those kind of feeling. not anymore. slowly, i became like a slowpoke. lazy and slow. sometime i even do stupid without thinking. that's make me even stupid. even i feel that myself.

as i predict, everyone will got a job. i might be the last one who either got a job or jobless. watever... my birthday going to come another 2 month. but as usual. my wish is hope that my family and my friends and my love one will going have a better life compare to last year. my wish never changed. same as last year. i don't have anything i want. i don't hope for anything other than those i care about. someone tell me that those who doesn't selfish is stupid... everyone is selfish... hahaha, since that i'm already stupid, why not i make another one... hahaha... hope that all my friend will get a better job soon. hope suan cheng will got job soon too... and hope our visa will be approved... wish everyone have a nice and healthy life.

it's seem that she went to the U.... 2day she online. i know it by seeing her personal msg. my mind was blank... as usual. i avoid seeing her... i went to sleep. even though i force myself to sleep i still unable to stop thinking about her. i think can consider it as half sleep half awake. when i awake my head felt very pain. and it's obvious that she already offline. for the whole day i was thinking will she be alright. i hope she will be fine at there... it's true that i'm worry about her but i know i don't have the right of status to worry about it... it's not even my business.

i miss her alot... no matter what i still unable to stop loving her... i know she got someone else. and i'm nothing to her. there is high possiblities that we might not talk to each other for the rest of my life. well, she already said it to me. if possible she don't want to talk to me forever... haha... kenneth you just a jerk... why would a perfect girl like yee ling would talk to a jerk like you who called kenneth soon. a jerk that so idiot, stupid, useless and clumsy... for u she might be a gold or maybe something more precious than your own life. but to her, you nothing but a rubbish.....

it's been 2 year... not only that my love toward her never getting fade away. my love toward her getting strong than before..... it's truly painful living like this. i had no meaning for being keep on alive... but it was my fren and family let me know that i'm alive... actually i'm nothing but a living corpse

last night i had a bad dream. well i always had bad dream with the same reason and topic. but this time are the worst of all. in that dream i did something i never did before..... when i woke up i feel so painful... day by day the dream getting worst than before. i want to went back to sleep but i afraid the dream might continue. in the end yesterday was the 1st time i woke up so early since i arrive newcastle. sometime i not sure should i laugh or not. i would rather ppl called me idiot or so lou or crazy... rather than called me something i don't suit to be called.

ppl say leave it to fate. fate will bring someone or something together but in the same time it will take away as well. however i never leave it to fate. because to me leave it to fate means give up... thou who doesn't do anything for someone or something means already give up... i want to achieve something with my own two hand... haha, i think that's who i am in the past. but now i only grab hold on the believe, not action. well, all this time i'm just a failure. think back i don't really achieve anything becoz i don't have a certain dream at all. even though i achieve something now, i don' t think i will as happy as used to be...

just like last week graduation ceremony. these kind of event only once in a life time. should be something that make me happy for the whole day. but i don't feel so. i feel so alone. achieve something that only me myself know about it. that day i keep on wishing miracle could happen. wish she could suddenly come celebrate with me. and say congrat to me as well. but i know this won't become real. wishing only make me know what i really want. wishing not really hope it will become real becoz when it will dissapointed in the end. therefore, my 1st and last graduation day proceed like nothing. it wasn't a special day to me at all. becoz for me to have achievement without able to celebrate with the one i wanted and the one i love is nothing at all... but i'm very thanks to my fren who congrat me. until now my life full of nothing. maybe this is becoz of lack of intelligent. i know how clumsy i am, i know how idiot i am, and i know how crazy i am... just like a so lou.......

few day ago i went to buy a set of formal wear for both work and graduation ceremony. when suan cheng trying his own set. suddenly my memory flash back. there is one time i ask her that what colour she think of me. she say yellow because i'm like a sun to her... a bright sun. i never forget what she said to me that time. without notice, i got hold of one yellow long sleeve formal shirt. without having a doubt i bought it without have a second thought. i'm not really sure what i'm doing that time. i as if spacing out.

being alone is not easy. but i know i'm not totally alone for now... but in future it might be. i felt that i getting less to speak out while i have alot of thinking. no matter where or when... my mind will keep on thinking. and the thing that i'm thinknig is no other than 'that'... yeah, it's really truly suffering. acting strong but actually nothing but a weak person...

truth always are cruel.........