上帝，我到底做错了什么。为什么？为什么她要再次离开我？为什么要再次伤害我。从小到大，我所要的只是很简单。我不是要钱，也不是要名。我只要一个简简单单的生活。有个家，有钱买自己想要的东西，有钱和我的家人去旅游就够了。我不是要跑车，不是要住五星级酒店。
当我很迷茫的时候，你把‘她’送到我面前。我以为这世界还有‘奇迹’，还有‘希望’。原来你只想再一次耍我。再一次把我丢进地狱。我是不是很好玩？我上一辈子是不是做了很多坏事？所以我一辈子都被爱情所伤？
当我遇到‘她’的时候，我在想上帝是不是在考验我。考验我会不会接受一个有不好过去的女生。我接受了，因为我不会为了这样的事情而不接受这个爱情。爱情不是看一个人的过去，财产，和样貌来判断和不和她/他在一起。这都是心。只要心是对的，怎样都是对。这是我所相信的。
在她最难过的时候，我不但没有嫌弃她，反而不断的为她打气和鼓励她。我记得我每次都和她说‘一切都过去了，别再想了。我们该想我们的未来打算。不该顾虑我们的过去。’那时候我心里真的对她是没有疑问。因为我真心的爱上了她。爱一个人是没有原因。爱是无价。这是我相信的。但是现在我对爱的看法有很大的改变。爱是有价钱的。爱是要有原因。虽然我不介意人家的过去，不代表人家是同样的对待。这就是’你‘所说的现实。
我一次又一次不介意她所做的每一样事情，但是又怎样。是我自己不要介意的。不关她的事，她没叫我不介意。哈哈哈。我都慌了。看起来好像很伟大但是在‘现实’世界这叫做笨蛋。没错！我是一等一的笨蛋。所以我才有如此的下场。
以为自己很厉害。其实被人家取笑了都不知道。以为自己有本事，原来人人都能做的到。是我夸大罢了。我只不过是一个做不成大事的人。哈哈。真好笑！前几天我才开始觉得自己是个有本事的人。现在想起来都觉得像个笑话。
在这段感情，我相信有未来，有幸福。原来我错了。我再一次相信错了。这世界是没有奇迹。没有爱情。只有现实。就算我多努力，多好，多诚意，和多老实，只要没‘钱’我做什么都没用。到最后我被放弃了。因为我的无能。
够了。我再也不相信爱情了。我好累~上帝！你成功把我弄死了。我崩溃了。我受够了。
要是Ginny真的不要我了，我不能怪她，不能怪她妈妈，不能怪任何人。我只能怪自己无能，怪自己白痴，怪自己傻，怪自己投错胎。人家可以没了我还可以好好的活下去。明知道会受伤，但我还是一样的去爱她。为什么我不能？我知道了。因为我没有价值。我是一个就算死了都没人会觉得是损失的人。
世界不会为了我而停留。但是我为了一个人而把我的一生停留了。我不想再走了。我走够了。当我相信我走的路是对的时候，我再次错了。我做任何事情永远会有意见，永远被反对，永远被拒绝。为什么？因为我没钱和能力。这就是所谓的‘现实’。
现在是拜天公。是个好日子放炮仗和烟花。看到那些烟花就像我的心一样。一直不停的再爆炸。说起我的心，在这一年我的心不断的痛。本来我以为是普通问题但是也要去检查。我对自己说是没运动的问题罢了但是现在。。。我希望是会令我会死的心脏病。至少我死了没人会说我为爱情而死。当一个人所相信的都不对的时候，他活的意义已经没了。活来干嘛？有人告诉我吗？我知道有人会说‘为了更好的未来。有更好的未来又能怎样？我会有更好的未来吗？连一个我最相信的人都离开我了，我已经不相信未来了。能相信的就是钱。
我又再次的一个人发呆，坐在一个角落不停在心里问自己为什么，为什么，为什么~每一个为什么都会有一滴眼泪出来。为什么我哭？我哭了又怎样？’她‘会回来吗？我的眼泪能换钱吗？不能！但是我还是不停的哭。上次她离开我的时候我写了不少的日记，还是亲手一个一个只用手写。看回去这段日子的日记，包括我天天流眼泪的上班，流眼泪的回家，做人没目标，天天只想一个人不想见任何人，天天偷看她的情况，一直不断的想她，我撞车，还有等等。我觉得这些日子又要回来了。那时候天天都睡不好觉，日子过得很慢很辛苦。很怕每一天过的日子。不是怕见人不是怕做工。而是怕知道有一天她和别人一起。有人说要爱人幸福就懂的放手。让别人给她幸福。我觉得这是世界上最笨的行为。幸福是自己给的，不是靠别人给。靠别人来把幸福给自己的爱人是因为那个人本来就不爱她。那只是借口。
我的心很累，我整个人都很累。我想休息。我想一辈子都休息。不想在起来了。我好累。我一直撑着。一直相信。但是够了。我不要再相信了。相信又怎样？最后被放弃，被背叛，被伤害。我还能做什么？你说我不年轻了，那你现在放弃了我又怎样？
Ginny，要是五年后，你知道我还是一个人，还是为了你而一个人，为了你我的人生已不精彩，你会有什么感觉？是不是会对我很失望？当你这样想的时候。请想回为什么我会这样，我付出的时间，心血，和眼泪换来了什么？
我错了。我什么都错了。我做错了。我相信错了。我人生就是错了~~~
我只是全心全意爱一个人。为什么会如此的那么错呢。我该我的名字叫孙东错。
Saturday, 8 February 2014
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Life Tough
Recently, my work didn't go as i planned. It's really sad and depressing. pressure keep pilling up. I just don't what to do. I keep call and call and call but nothing happen. Sometime i wonder should i quit the job? or should i continue? I may just enter this industry not long and i know there's many thing to learn. Maybe i need more time. maybe i need more pressure. But i do hope there is someone that actually understand how i felt.
I remember few years back when i was alone. When i always tears after work. I still unable to forget those feeling, those hardship and those loneliness. Sitting infront on my house. Looking up to the sky, stars were shining brightly as if tell me not give up. Then tears still flowing out from my eyes. However, after a night I keep work again. work and work and work. After a year, i'm diff from who i am from one year ago. I'm capable of everything. My boss let me handle everything and he trust me in most of the thing.
I know I can do better. I just need some time. I need to work more hard. I may be sad and depressing today but after one night I will work hard tomorrow. I may scold by my boss tomorrow but he will know how good i am in future.
Many of friends came out to work after secondary school. They work for so many years only able to achieve today result. I'm only for 1 year, i shouldn't be whining about it. I need to work hard.
Kenneth, rest early and fight tomorrow.Don't look back. keep move FORWARD.
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. 100,000 SALES
Monday, 11 February 2013
Happy Chinese New Year
It's happy new year today. But I feel so unhappy. My heart feel so sour. My eyes feel wet. As if tears are going to come out but it didn't. I don't know why that i feel my life being away from home are much more better. Maybe because when i'm from my family, i was never being compare to the others. While in the family, i always heard thing about relative doesn't like about me.
Funny, each chinese new year i will hear the same stuff again, from the same person. I was never able t o compare to my brother. He bring joys to others. I'm not. I only give the ppl the reason of comment on me. Bad comment of course. This is one thing i always hate about. Having the feeling of being compare. I always wrong. No matter what. That is why i always seldom talk. The more i talk the more comment on me i will receive. none of them is good comment. In my heart had the darkness of loneliness. I want to avoid with alot of ppl avoid talking to ppl. what's more i can do..............
When i was young, i never know i'm a quiet boy. But until now, i know why. Because whenever i open my mouth, nobody like what i'm talking about. But seeing my brother always bring laughter to other ppl makes me feel that i shouldn't talk so much. Slowly, i have became a person that unable to social much. I think this is another reason why i always unable to talk to ginny when i made her angry or sad.
What is life and what is death. Why do ppl born and die? what the purpose of ppl being born. what is my purpose being here. I'm a person that unable to stand failure but i know i always a failure. i know my weakness but i never able to get rid of it.
Ginny..... Someone that truly love me from the bottom of her heart. i will never forget the day i spent with her. it was the time i feel that i'm actually more than just being alone. I always wish i can be with her forever. BUT, am i able to give her happiness in future? I tell myself that i must give her happiness. She let me know that i'm not alone. But still, i made her sad... I was never able to make her smile when she sad. because it was me who made her sad. It's pain my heart so much. that i tears during night. This is not the 1st time and not the second either.
What can i do? What should i do? i'm so confuse. I worried about the future. I worried i will ruin her life. I really scare. In a time like this, i always hope that Ginny will be by my side at this very moment.
I so hope that i can go back the time where i first meet Ginny. whenever i finish work, she will always wait me in my room. i never feel lonely at that time. someone is there waiting for me. someone to talk to. before i with ginny, i always felt so empty in my heart. especially after finish work in hanahana, i walk alone on the street on my way home. when i reach my home, i always sit outside for a while. look at the sky, feeling the cold wind. and crying because i feel so lonely.
all this never happen after i'm with Ginny. But i don't know how to talk. i don't know how to be like my brother who bring laughter to everyone. but i always bring hatred to those around me........ i just want to shut my mouth and sit at the corner quietly. i don't want to talk, the more i talk the more ppl have the hatred eyes on me.
But i still love Ginny no matter what. i do'nt want to let go of her. i want to bring happiness to her. Because I love her.....
But i still love Ginny no matter what. i do'nt want to let go of her. i want to bring happiness to her. Because I love her.....
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
another half year been past. don't really like it because i was suppose to return to malaysia in end of Jan. but due to some circumstance, i was force to back early. all this time i thought was able to enjoy another christmas time with Ginny. but i was happy because she decided to come visit me on June and she buy the ticket as soon as she decided to come. however, this give me a question of am i able to accompany her during her visit? if i able to get a job, i wasnt' able to confirm i'm able to take holiday to accompany her. but i have another choice, that is to work with my father for 6 month before i look for another job. i'm been struggling in this matter. but i prefer to work with my father because i can take holiday anytime i want. but of course in a good way and reasonable excuse.
i think i made a choice. i will work with my father after the chinese new year. until Ginny come. i will look for job again. unless there's miracle that a dream job come to me. but i think accompany ginny is far more happy than getting a job right now. because i want to see her very much and be with her as much as possible.
even since i'm back malaysia, i seldom play ps3. not as much as when i'm in uk. maybe becoz there is no one with me. kinda alone. at the same time, even though some of my fren ask me out but i don't really want. becoz i used to be at home and i used to wait for ginny to wake up and chat a while. even though we did not chat alot or alot of topic to talk of. but it nice to see her.
i always worry how is ginny doing. worry she always in pain. just like yesterday she keep not feeling well. unhappy that i'm not by her side. i just hope i can take care of her. another reason for me to write in here today i because i want to say sorry to Ginny. i know i do wrong. but i want to make one thing clear. is that i never betray you. now, before and in the future i will still love you and never let you go. as long as you never let me go. i'll do my best and i promise to give what i can to you. but i just hope that you give me some time. i really hope the day i marry you won't be far away from now. i always dream of that day. a day that with family together happy and healthy. i do hope when time goes your mum will accept me.
it's going to be new year soon. and it's a new life in malaysia now. i hope my life and my luck will be better from now on. i really wish that ginny will spend chinese new year with me in malaysia as well. so that she can meet my family and officially let everyone know that we are together.
sometime i will look at the album you give me. it's sweet. becoz i never receive such present before. i will look at the picture we take the place we went. it's a good memories and experience. i never had such feeling. becoz i always travel with friend and family. that's why i never regret being with you. there always hardship. and we must face it together. i got my weakness and you got yours too. that's why we must face together. i can say that my weakness is too calm and your weakness is too panic. sometime i scare that if i don't earn alot money, you will leave me. i really worry about that. not only that, i worry that your mum reject us. well, i just hope everything will be ok in the future. i also want to earn alot money becoz there is alot of thing i want to buy as well. eat nice food with you, travel with you, and buy a better bed to sleep with you. nice? maybe get a karaoke room to sing to you. i think you will like that.
happy new year baobei. i love you always. new life new future. (^_^)
i think i made a choice. i will work with my father after the chinese new year. until Ginny come. i will look for job again. unless there's miracle that a dream job come to me. but i think accompany ginny is far more happy than getting a job right now. because i want to see her very much and be with her as much as possible.
even since i'm back malaysia, i seldom play ps3. not as much as when i'm in uk. maybe becoz there is no one with me. kinda alone. at the same time, even though some of my fren ask me out but i don't really want. becoz i used to be at home and i used to wait for ginny to wake up and chat a while. even though we did not chat alot or alot of topic to talk of. but it nice to see her.
i always worry how is ginny doing. worry she always in pain. just like yesterday she keep not feeling well. unhappy that i'm not by her side. i just hope i can take care of her. another reason for me to write in here today i because i want to say sorry to Ginny. i know i do wrong. but i want to make one thing clear. is that i never betray you. now, before and in the future i will still love you and never let you go. as long as you never let me go. i'll do my best and i promise to give what i can to you. but i just hope that you give me some time. i really hope the day i marry you won't be far away from now. i always dream of that day. a day that with family together happy and healthy. i do hope when time goes your mum will accept me.
it's going to be new year soon. and it's a new life in malaysia now. i hope my life and my luck will be better from now on. i really wish that ginny will spend chinese new year with me in malaysia as well. so that she can meet my family and officially let everyone know that we are together.
sometime i will look at the album you give me. it's sweet. becoz i never receive such present before. i will look at the picture we take the place we went. it's a good memories and experience. i never had such feeling. becoz i always travel with friend and family. that's why i never regret being with you. there always hardship. and we must face it together. i got my weakness and you got yours too. that's why we must face together. i can say that my weakness is too calm and your weakness is too panic. sometime i scare that if i don't earn alot money, you will leave me. i really worry about that. not only that, i worry that your mum reject us. well, i just hope everything will be ok in the future. i also want to earn alot money becoz there is alot of thing i want to buy as well. eat nice food with you, travel with you, and buy a better bed to sleep with you. nice? maybe get a karaoke room to sing to you. i think you will like that.
happy new year baobei. i love you always. new life new future. (^_^)
Saturday, 13 August 2011
things getting quite ugly in UK. riot, robbery, and violence. well, i staying at home so everything is fine with me. but i just don't understand what the point of doing this kind of worthless crime. in the end, you will be captured. even though it may not 100% but i don't think it is worthy to waste time to do all this stuff and end up in jail.
last week, my grandma pass away. i'm very sad. but at the same time i'm glad i did went back last year. by the time i heard my grandma death i'm very shocked. after talking to my parent i went back to my room and i start crying. thinking back all the stuff that my grandma did to me. how she care about me. how she mumble at me. how i sometime feel annoying. and how i try to make her relief during i'm in UK. i know she love me alot. so do i. sad that she unable to see me before she leave this world. i do hope she in peace now. even though she not in this world, i know she will always look after me in the heaven.
when my sis told me that my parent have something urgent to tell me, i know that something must have happen to grandma. it's been a long time since i cry again... imagine i always cry for someone that hurt me again and again. while i only cry once for my grandma. this the 1st time and the last time i ever cry for my grandma.
my grandma never hope me to be someone great. just want me to be healthy and happy. not by rich or fame. but with happiness with our family and friend. in UK, i learn alot about life. happiness does not come from money. even though i work and i earn much more than working in malaysia i don't feel hapiness. during day break, i feel enjoy with my fren even though we all just stay at home and do our thing. we laugh, we smile, we joke and much more.
i feel to grateful that i know kar hong and kim san. they gave me alot of happiness that a friend needed. different from some of those who i know or in my workplace. and another person that i grateful of is Ginny. i don't know was it faith or coincidence to be meet her and be with her. it just my life not that lonely anymore. she may be annoying but she always care about me. and she don't mind of my 'cincai' life.
Grandma, now i happy with my life. even though i'm not sure of the future. and there still some scar in my heart. a scar that never will be heal. because that's a lesson for me. but i have friends and love one that always support me and care about me. i know everyone don't mind if i pass of fail in my MBA, as long as i did my best. and i never regret it.
i love you forever grandma and i will always remember you.
last week, my grandma pass away. i'm very sad. but at the same time i'm glad i did went back last year. by the time i heard my grandma death i'm very shocked. after talking to my parent i went back to my room and i start crying. thinking back all the stuff that my grandma did to me. how she care about me. how she mumble at me. how i sometime feel annoying. and how i try to make her relief during i'm in UK. i know she love me alot. so do i. sad that she unable to see me before she leave this world. i do hope she in peace now. even though she not in this world, i know she will always look after me in the heaven.
when my sis told me that my parent have something urgent to tell me, i know that something must have happen to grandma. it's been a long time since i cry again... imagine i always cry for someone that hurt me again and again. while i only cry once for my grandma. this the 1st time and the last time i ever cry for my grandma.
my grandma never hope me to be someone great. just want me to be healthy and happy. not by rich or fame. but with happiness with our family and friend. in UK, i learn alot about life. happiness does not come from money. even though i work and i earn much more than working in malaysia i don't feel hapiness. during day break, i feel enjoy with my fren even though we all just stay at home and do our thing. we laugh, we smile, we joke and much more.
i feel to grateful that i know kar hong and kim san. they gave me alot of happiness that a friend needed. different from some of those who i know or in my workplace. and another person that i grateful of is Ginny. i don't know was it faith or coincidence to be meet her and be with her. it just my life not that lonely anymore. she may be annoying but she always care about me. and she don't mind of my 'cincai' life.
Grandma, now i happy with my life. even though i'm not sure of the future. and there still some scar in my heart. a scar that never will be heal. because that's a lesson for me. but i have friends and love one that always support me and care about me. i know everyone don't mind if i pass of fail in my MBA, as long as i did my best. and i never regret it.
i love you forever grandma and i will always remember you.
Sunday, 19 June 2011
until now i haven't written anything in my proposal. i felt so stress and unmotivated. even since chat with her, it gave me alot of worried. i know ppl need think of the future and i know it's hard. but does it have to decide by now. why can't she understand my situation now that i still got proposal need to be hand in not more than 4 days. i don't know what to write and my mind keep thinking about her. i felt really really depressed. my heart feel so pain right now. why does it have to be this way. i hope there are time she will think when is the right time to talk when is not... i care her and i love her. no matter what i want be with her forever... i'm not the kind that give up someone just because of one or two reason. i just want a simple life. i don't need to be rich... all i want is peace and simple. surround by ppl that without bad intention. this what i want. i feel that i can be very happy with those i love and cherish around me rather than being rich and surround by ppl that i can't be trust and uncomfortable.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Long time
it's been a long time since i last wrote my blog... i feel so strange. ginny went to her fren birthday and i can't seem to able concentrate on my study. and suddenly i feel wanted to write something in here.
my life change alot since the day i with her. no depress no crying, no more bad thinking. do only think i care now is how to not make her sad, how to not make her leave me, how to be with her forever, and how do i maintain our relationships as long as i can or till the day i leave this world. she may not a fully mature and sometime i may dislike what she said and how she act but of course she feel the same about me as well. but we never really wanted to leave each other. we both do face a few problem before in the past but we manage to forgive each other and happy and let it be. never remember the bad stuff for so long. never remember it as a bad point. or never remember it will affect our future relationship. this may good or bad. i don't know and i not sure. i only know no matter what happen i will not let her go. even though i said the same thing to another person in the past but i was being abandon. i hope it won't happen again.
few weeks ago, ginny told me that yee ling become single in the facebook. without a second thought i replied i don't want to know anything about her. she unhappy and ask why i always like that when talk about her... yeah, i admit i hate her, and at the same times i do care her.
when i know yee ling break with ronnie, the 1st thing in my mind how is she doing. i said to ronnie before that if he treat her bad i will not forgive him. i do think of her situation but i didn't contact her one bit. maybe because i don't want ginny to think so much. in the past, ginny sad because i still think of yee ling when i with her. but when times goes, i know i can't hurt her. and i give my full heart to her.
i don't know what to say to yee ling, and don't know what to do... i just hope it won't affect her study... for her, other than love, study is life to her. i always worry yee ling in the past, because i know there is alot bad ppl around her. i worry and i always warn her but she think i over protective.
i may wrong but i know when a nice girl being single, alot ppl wanted to achieve the girl with everything. but i know never one of them will maintain the relationship forever. they just want to achieve it and enjoy it. after enjoy it they never protect or keep it as something precious to their life. they just wait and abandon it. this what i worry of yee ling. even now. now she being single, there may be alot of guy looking for her BUT do they nice to her or be bad to her.... i worried... i hope nothing bad to her...
at the same time i worry of ginny as well... sometime i worry she with bad ppl and learn bad... but she believe me more than anyone. no matter what she always think of my advice and opinion (even though she annoy by my lecture)... but i know becoz she precious to me only i worry of ginny... i think is times to go fecth her. just hope she is fine and waiting for me...
i don't know when will the nextime i write this but for now i hope everyone, my fren, family and the love one will be healthy and happy... take care yee ling...
love my bao bei (ginny) forever
my life change alot since the day i with her. no depress no crying, no more bad thinking. do only think i care now is how to not make her sad, how to not make her leave me, how to be with her forever, and how do i maintain our relationships as long as i can or till the day i leave this world. she may not a fully mature and sometime i may dislike what she said and how she act but of course she feel the same about me as well. but we never really wanted to leave each other. we both do face a few problem before in the past but we manage to forgive each other and happy and let it be. never remember the bad stuff for so long. never remember it as a bad point. or never remember it will affect our future relationship. this may good or bad. i don't know and i not sure. i only know no matter what happen i will not let her go. even though i said the same thing to another person in the past but i was being abandon. i hope it won't happen again.
few weeks ago, ginny told me that yee ling become single in the facebook. without a second thought i replied i don't want to know anything about her. she unhappy and ask why i always like that when talk about her... yeah, i admit i hate her, and at the same times i do care her.
when i know yee ling break with ronnie, the 1st thing in my mind how is she doing. i said to ronnie before that if he treat her bad i will not forgive him. i do think of her situation but i didn't contact her one bit. maybe because i don't want ginny to think so much. in the past, ginny sad because i still think of yee ling when i with her. but when times goes, i know i can't hurt her. and i give my full heart to her.
i don't know what to say to yee ling, and don't know what to do... i just hope it won't affect her study... for her, other than love, study is life to her. i always worry yee ling in the past, because i know there is alot bad ppl around her. i worry and i always warn her but she think i over protective.
i may wrong but i know when a nice girl being single, alot ppl wanted to achieve the girl with everything. but i know never one of them will maintain the relationship forever. they just want to achieve it and enjoy it. after enjoy it they never protect or keep it as something precious to their life. they just wait and abandon it. this what i worry of yee ling. even now. now she being single, there may be alot of guy looking for her BUT do they nice to her or be bad to her.... i worried... i hope nothing bad to her...
at the same time i worry of ginny as well... sometime i worry she with bad ppl and learn bad... but she believe me more than anyone. no matter what she always think of my advice and opinion (even though she annoy by my lecture)... but i know becoz she precious to me only i worry of ginny... i think is times to go fecth her. just hope she is fine and waiting for me...
i don't know when will the nextime i write this but for now i hope everyone, my fren, family and the love one will be healthy and happy... take care yee ling...
love my bao bei (ginny) forever
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