(this blog suppose to be in 19 november 2007 at 5pm my UK time but i post it on the next day)

2day I went to college to do my work. Becoz the line in my home have already terminated for some reason… I feel so unhappy about this thing happen becoz its happen when in this such important time. I still got a lot need to do.

Now only me and suan cheng sitting face to face doing our work. Linda should be wif us also but she went home coz she done her works already. Just now suan cheng said that he going to fail or get low mark for this subject. But I think I more worst than him. Not that I don’t know do what but I still confuse about it. Well, as usual I always the last one in the class.

Just now I do my research until I feel a bit of stress. Then suddenly without notice I look back all the mail I have written between me and Yee Ling. Unbelievable, that I chat that a lot with Yee ling in the past. I read all the mail from the very 1st mail I get from her. We chat a lot and I feel the happiness at that time. There are a some mail that makes me a bit of smiling… I miss that time I always communicate wif her. I never feel boring that time, always feel excited of the mail she send to me but now….. she won’t send to me anymore. Even she can send but doesn’t means she will send. Now I know why my life never been boring and never been alone. It’s all becoz Yee Ling always beside me. She the one who always accompany me, not by the person itself but the soul that make me never feel alone.

I still remember on her birthday in 2004. she told me that her wish was always be wif me. I still remember that clearly. But I think now she break her wish or was she forget about the wish… I miss her a lot… Yee Ling, do u still remember those wishes? Will u gives me a chance becoz of the wish u made in the past. in all those mail make me remember the sweet and sad at that time…

I feel wanted to tears now but I can’t becoz suan cheng is infront of me. I have to stop it… I stop reading the mail and start doing my works again. I wondering how is she now. Wat she doing. She should be sleeping but if she still haven’t sleep then she might still studying. Do I sms her? But wat if she still sleeping? Wat if I disturb her and make her feel annoy again… Kenneth, u really an useless guy….

Just now my fren said that i dun have feeling of worry of the assignment... because there is an assignment need to be hand in next 2 weeks... and i need to let my lecturer see my draft next friday... my fren said i dun have stress... i seem to be very free... but he was wrong... there are thing can't be real even u see it wif ur two eyes...

actually i very worry of it... i so worry it that last night i didn't sleep well... i so scared. i so scared i do it wrong... i so scared i unable to pass... it just that i put the worry in my heart and hid it and act as if i'm nothing...

i so scared that i begin think of someone... i begin think of yee ling... in a time like this, i need her. i need her be by my side... but i know it won't be... it will never be as well... i begin to think back how happy when i wif her... how is the feeling when i hold her hand when we 1st be together... i also remember the 1st time i kiss her cheek... also the 1st time she kiss my cheek... then i begin to think how she left me... how cold she treat me... and how useless i am, think of how she broke her promise... also think of my fren told me she holding another guy hand when tuition... think of my fren told me she already begin have relationship with the guy...

all this have come through my mind last night... i begin to tears and begin to cry... i try lower my voice so my fren won't hear me...... i really wish to die... i really wish i was gone... and i wish i never be in this world...... i can't stop my tears... i can't stop crying for whole night...

after that i fall asleep... i dream of yee ling... i dun remember of the dream but one thing i'm sure of that yee ling was in my dream. but it's not a sweet dream... it was a dream that make me sad... and i have a shock and awake... my head very pain... i didn't sleep well... it's so suffer... i can't stand it.....

when my fren said i'm dun worry of anything. i reply him ' wat u see may not real and wat u see may not how it's seem '........

my head very pain now... but i unable to sleep as well... i dunno wat should i do..... i miss 'her' alot... really miss her alot... maybe she having sweet time wif her bf now... maybe she feel more relax when her bf doing stpm with her... wat i am... i was nothing... nothing but a fool... i didn't get the hapiness but i wish for her happinese, i think is the only thing that i able to do as an idiot guy...

Yee Ling, i wish u have ur happinese.....

just now i got yee ling sms said happy birthday. i wait whole day just for this two word. it might be just a simple two word... but for me, i think more than enough. i dunno how should i say about this. i dun have credit to reply her. maybe 2moro i will reload and reply her.

till now i still love her very much. i didn't expect much from her sms. since i know this is the onli word she will give me. i wish to call her now... i wish to chat wif her now... but i know she won't have time for me.

this year my wish is the same as last year. i wish yee ling will be successful in her sptm. last year i did wish to be wif her again. be this year i dunno y i dun wish for it. maybe i wish so but in the same time is hopeless... was it miracle that i need to wish for.......?

yee ling, i wanted to spend my birthday with u... i wanted to spend ur birthday wif you. till now i still so useless that i keep crying at now. what should i do...... really love her... i unable to bear this loneliness... unable to bear this pain in my heart... yee ling, izzit there isn't any way. u won't love me anymore? i dun wan to turn back. i onli wan to start again with you... it's so suffer...

this time is the third time i cry on my birthday. i will never forget the second time i cry on last year...

No matter how much time passes,
the pain of losing someone important to me never goes away,
the loneliness never heals.

2nite it's seem that i going to sleep alone... it's really quiet here... but i dun think there is any diff than usual... t just that it's more lonely than usual and more colder..... actually got a fren will chat wif me but my fren also feel sleepy and went to sleep... i feel very lonely... yee ling, do u know that? do u know that how i feel after u leave me? do u know how lonely i am? and do u know i still love u? without u i'm nothing...

even though in this house always have laughter but i still feel lonely and sadness all the time... my heart feel so pain... especially now...

2nite i dare to tears becoz there isn't anyone in this room... im the onli one here..... i can tear as much as i wan... but cannot cry as loud as i want... in the end, i no diff but still suffering from the pain..........

i know everything what happen to me is not ur concern anymore........i know u will think that way..... i dun have any right to say anything..... i dun have right to do anything..... rubbish always a rubbish..... same as wat u told me, reality is reality... dream is dream........ but i dun need reality.... in the same time i throw away dream and hope becoz all this time dream for nothing and hope for nothing... in the end what i do is nothing....... i think maybe ppl who still know reality won't be a rubbish... but i know i'm a rubbish and useless guy..........

ppl say there isn't any useless ppl but can did they ever ask themself if there isn't any useless ppl, how u know there isn't any uselss ppl... if there isn't useless ppl, y sentence such useless ppl will appear in this world.............

kenneth, u are nothing... all this time i believe myself... i keep on believe... i have my own belief... and i believe on u......... but now i know, no point keep on believe....... coz what i believe all this time and what i do all this time is all for nothing... nothing but loss..........

i'm very cold... my hand is numb... seeing my fren have another warm hand to hold... then look on to my both hand keep on freezing till numb........ the cold of loneliness........ is freezing through my hand... i hope that my hand will freeze till it broken... so i will never able to see my both hand unable to hold a warm hand..... not becoz i dun need it..... it becoz i unable to hold that warm hand of urs in my life......

the cold of loneliness will be my life................

just now i was having a discussion with my friends about the assignment. suddenly they talk about their 1st present from their lover. they talk about it and we laugh, i also laugh but the truth is i unhappy about it... everyone and each one of them got their story of that time happen but just me dind't tell the story. not because i dun wan said and also not because they didn't ask. because already lost it... i really unhappy but i keep on laughing. keep on put my fake mask to myself. i really sad. i really lonely... i dunno what should i do... in the 5 of us, i'm the onli one who keep on quiet. keep laugh as if nothing happen... keep laugh to act tough. but i'm not... i actually wanted to cry out... i really want...

their story remind of mind but i unable to speak it out... i think even my fren dun dare to ask me, coz they know what happen to me now. the taste of losing. i always lose. lastime i lose, 2day i lose and in future i will lose as well... i'm just a loser. Yee ling, izzit u feel great being someone who great beside u now? izzit? izzit very suffer being wif a loser like me? anyway, loser never deserve anything. what miracle? what work hard? when ppl said this is decided then u lost everything... even u keep on work hard is the same... becoz is decided, that's what they say...

dream, hope, miracle, and future.... can anyone tell me what are there? izzit just something that already decided or something that create our own........... what's the point of me being work hard... someone say i'm kind... im' not kind, i'm just stupid, that's all... not kind but stupid... who care when i sick... nobody... i'm all alone now... until now, i never receive one or half of the thing i keeping hoping now...

my birthday is getting near... also the day that i never able to forget in my life... same as last year... maybe that is decided as ppl said... maybe this is destiny by a person who carry the name of stupid, useless, idiot, and no use......... well, this kind of ppl better die of earlier... rather than waste time or resource of this world.......

Sometime being far away from a place doesn't means thing will change... i experience it... because until now... i still the same... even though sometime i look back to the picture i take since i in UK... ya, i'm smilling but did i smile all the time? or i was just smile when i take pic... i dunno.. but one thing i sure is that i begin to feel very lonely... i feel so cold... sometime i really wan to hug someone... someone who able to give me a warm feeling that make me feel comfortable... i think she is the only one but impposible i able to get that... alone......

lastnight i tear during i sleep... i was thinking wat i gonna do... izzit being away like this will make thing feel alot better? i wonder who will be better? for me? or for other ppl? but i'm sure it's not me... i still the same... smile at the outside but not the inside... i can keep smile when ppl around but when there is time that nobody can see my face, i show how i really felt... i know wat is my emotion... that is sadness and loneliness...

yesterday my fren ask me, wat is my dream? i told i already throw away my dream, and i already forget... then again she ask me 'then izzit wat u doing now not something u wan to do'... i answer her, 'i dunno, wat i doing now is onli keep on living'... my fren unable to ask anything more... wat i doing now not wat i wan but keep on living... keep on living without motive... in the sense i no diff than being a rubbish... however, that's the fact of who i am now and forever... being throw away like a rubbish and the rubbish throw away hope and dream.....

however, this rubbish still think of the time being diff in the past... the time that far more diff than now... the time that able to have someone to care of... someone able to hug whenever have trouble around... someone who dun mind the rubbish... but dream is dream, rubbish is rubbish... sometime will bbe unable to change forever... coz i'm a rubbish... Stupig is rubbish, useless, no future, and no hope............... my birthday coming soon... will it be the same as last year... i remember last year i waiting someone to say the word to me... wait and wait and wait but in the end i cry on my birthday..... will this year the same, i cry on my birthday? i think won't be the same... because it will be worst than last year....... anyway, rubbish never able to have a wish... no point having birthday or wishes..... better wish to die early than live long....

finally, i able to write my blog again... it's been a few week that i reach UK... everything fine here but sometime feeling alone... dunno y... maybe becoz when everyone else have someone to be wif and i feel envy and being to feel lonely...

even thought i'm here, i still miss her... but there is nothing i can do or change... she dun even bother how i am... wat qualification i still have to care her thing. i onli hope she doing fine... last few day i look at the moon alone... i hope i can look at the beautiful wif someone i love... but that time i was alone... all alone... same as the moon, doesn't have anything around it... just moon alot... no star, no cloud...

everyone is sleeping now... when i still awake writing blog here and chating wif one of my friend in the msn... i wonder wat will become of me... here is cold but not as cold as my heart....

being alone is painful but alone is not something that u can control............. but alone can make a person walk a wrong path... will i walk the wrong path... til now i wont' coz i have my friend around me support me... but still there are time and one day they will have their life and i have my own... despite being alone or being someone, it will still the same... same... forever....