another one nite i unable to sleep again.... 2day i went to national library wif my fren to find some material for our project... but unfortunely the library is close... haizzz... kinda headache when know about it... then after a small discussion we decide to go timesquare book to look for the book we need... when we reach there, my fren start to find the material but i went somewhere else... i went to the place that in the past i read book wif her... i standing at there, doing nothing... then my mind flash back the time when i reading book wif her... i still remember the book we read is guinness world record... we laugh... we smile when we read... i still remember it... i feel so lonely now... then my eyes got tears going to come out but i have stop it... i think i standing there got 15 minit more... theni walk away and do what i come here to do... after done our research, be4 leaving the place... i go walk around the place again... and walk away and away....... and go home wif the loneliness i having

after reach home i begin to feel not well... maybe becoz of i didn't get to sleep this few day... i worry of getting sick, i went take a few medicine and sleep... but in the same time, i really wish that someone is beside me now.... then i begin to tears that i been holding... yee ling, i miss u very much~~~

Today my fren said me that i'm diff... ya, she said i laugh very diff...
but it's normal if she can realise it... coz i just faking... fake to be happy... laugh as loud as i can
but the more i laugh the more i feel unhappy at all...

well, everyday keep act... act to b strong but actually i was very weak... not only weak but stupid as well

it's funny i help ppl who have the same condition as me... well, just slightly same... even though i not sure i able to help them stand back up a not but i will help and do my best... as for myself, i dun really care much about it... being useless, being a fool and being and idiot is who i am... since that ppl so like to make fun of me becoz i stupid then let it be...

trying to act tough is all i can do... that's all... not anymore... no more... just like how i lost my smile, my laugh, and many... all lost... i'm just a loser...

2moro is the last exam in my course... of course if dind't count in the subject i fail in the past... actually in these one year, since that day... all the subject i pass wasn't really the effort i put in... i would rather say it just the luck i having... i'm lucky enough that i have fren to help me out... what i wanted to say is that in all the exam i face in this one year, i doesn't have any heart put in it at all... it just that got study and do revision but i never put the heart in it... now i know that if when a person doesn't put even a half of the heart when doing something, no matter what it will also fail... but to bring a heart out to do something also not easy... especially when doing something u don't like, of course i'm not saying that i dun like study at all... just that since that day, someone important to me leaves me, i doesn't have any will or any heart in study... not onli study but many thing... sometime i even get hurt just becoz dind't concentrate enough... it might be pain when get hurt but something in my heart are more painful than its...

i'm not a good in anything... i'm just a failure... now onli i know all this time im' just a useless guy... who doesn't have any talent or anything that i'm smart in it... it was a lie that i'm good at something... i'm onli a jerk, also an idiot... now onli i realise... i also dunno that i study till this midnight but when in the exam my mind were empty... same as the time she leave me... i fail an exam that the lecturer have faith in me that i can score but i dissapointed him... i wasn't want to give excuse but the truth is my mind really went blank that time... it was an impact i can't accept in such a short time... but til now i still the same... it's a fact that i still love her but also a fact that she already have a better one and leave me already... i dunno wat i can do... prove that i'm good? wat's the point of proving it... tell me... i already prove more than wat i have to prove... i onli know how to tears since that day until now... tears is all i know... there is knowledge that can't be learn in book or experience... i'm just an idiot...

2nite is the 10th day that i can't sleep in again... it's kinda suffering... everynite can't sleep in... everyday wake up feel headache... wat's wrong wif me... y do i have to bear such pain... it's true that i think alot when i sleep but i know it's wasn't think alot is the main problem but it was the sadness and the tears that make me can't sleep in... the tears that flowing through my cheek, the sadness that ache in my heart, this two is the causes me i can't sleep in... such loneliness... such pain...

this few day i getting frustrated over ppl who keep say harry potter... i unhappy and doesn't wan to hear that name... it's wasn't i hate the show or the person... it' becoz the name will remind me the promise she made wif me... the promise that i keep waiting, even now... but i know even she fulfill the promise but she onli fufill half of it... coz i'm not the one who sitting beside her and watch the show... the promise...... what is promise... do human kept their promise... izzit promise onli one side that kept it, the other side no need... was promise won't be consider a promise when the two person status has change... then wat's the meaning of the exist the word promise... hope, promise, and dreams, it's something i have in the past... but not now anymore...

i wan know when onli i can have a good night sleep... i lost everything... i even lost a comfortable sleep... a sweet dream also i can't have it... nightmare is the onli thing i have... together wif fear as well... i know i'm just a coward, a fool that keep on dreaming on fairy tales and MIRACLE...... i'm no more than that...... rubbish........

it's true that i still miss her... but wat can i do..... in the heart just know calling where are u..... i need u.... i miss u.... wat are u doing now... these are the onli few word i can say in my heart everyday everynite..... maybe forever.........

now finally got time write my blog... it's been 7 day i didn't sleep well... if include 2nite then it will be the 8 days... i thought i overcmoe wat it has to be but it's seem the nightmare come back again... every night sleeping in the dark... holding my blanket and start tearing... is really suffer, and also used to it...

Last saturday i went to bukit tinggi wif my family and my uncle family but my big bro and my sis dind't follow... at there is to relax but also i still didn't sleep well at there... at there i got laugh but i know i just force and making myself laugh... not that something come from my heart... in order not to let my family know wat situation i in... i must make fake joke and fake laugh... but i can fake it... since i fake for one year... i remember that night i can't sleep at all... i walk out to the balcony... it's so dark, it's so dark that it feel like th darkness will eat u anytime soon... standing there i feel the cold, i feel the loneliness, it's quiet and it's dark... at there i thinking of someone and i begin to tears... knowing how painful is my life the wind blow at me make me feel that how cold is my heart. i wonder and wonder wat kind of failure i am... but not that i care about it anymore... knowing wat's the feeling and the consequence after hurting someone, i tell myself i will not hurt other ppl feeling... atleast i won't run away my responsibility, i will face it... i will not pretend unknown... atleast that wat i can do...

I wonder how i go on my life... dunno wat i wan... it's funny that i keep help my friend to apply their oversea study thingy but as for myself, i didn't really care a bit... honestly, i know myself that i dun wan go at all... ya, in the past i wan go veru much but now i dun wan... not really wan... if can i really wan give my part of money to my friend that wan go... coz give me that dun have any will to go at all, to waste money on a rubbish like me is really a waste...

it's really tiring to fake my own laughing sound... i onli show my true self when i alone... when i alone think about her... that's my true self... but there is nothing more can i do... work hard doesn't mean get wat u wan then wat's the point i doing all this year... if in this one year i cry, all my tears can help me to get wat i really wan, i dun mind for crying so long... but i know.. it's not use... coz rubbish and useless ppl like me can't get wat i wan no matter how hard i try... even the cost of my life also no use... coz it's just a rubbish life, born to being play by other as a fool... but any, i atleast appreciate the friend i have now... can say never regret knowing them... but maybe they might feel dispointed at me if they know wat condition i am now...but of course, i never really tell them... but i jealous each of them having their love one beside them... as for me, seeing the one i love at other ppl arm... even thought i ddin't see it but i imagine it... it's strange that i dun imagine she at my arm... maybe i'm not selfish enough to think that way... but... i really miss her hug... i miss alot... write till here, my tears drop again... another nite that i keep tears in the dark...

Last night, i sleep until around 3.47am i awake... i having a nightmare again.... when i awake, i got a little bit of sweat... suddenly i tears... in my heart, i keep calling 'where are u? why isn't u at myside? i miss u very much... u promise me no matter wat no matter when u will always be myside, especially when i sad and when i in trouble, where are u...' i'm very pain... i hold the pain too long... i really need to rest... u always cheer for me... u never give me up..... but why now... u promise me... why....the promise that doesn't make me feel lonely... it become a promise that make me suffer... why... i tears whole night... again a night that fill with loneliness... in one year i didn't have a sweet and comfortable dream... every midnite i suddenly awake then i start tears... i feel i very weak... i really weak...

what is the meaning of hope... what is the meaning of miracle... what is the meaning of responsible... what is the meaning of believe... just one selfish all of this can be throw away... doesn't need to care of how other feel... lie to them when it's neccesary or lie when cover ur own benifit... can i be such person? i dun think i will... coz i onli wll be the victim... i said this not becoz of wan pity by other... i know how is the world run... i accept how it is... but accept and follow it is a diff thing... i accept there are always selfish, lie, and ppl who are dun keep promise... not that i hate those ppl but onli that i won't follow wat they do... ya, maybe i can't survive or i can't have a better life if i being so idiot but atleast i try my best not to hurt someone feeling... in past i might hurt other ppl feeling but i never run away or act nothing just to avoid trouble... i will face it... i will go to them, walk to them and ask... even thought i won't say that just a sorry can solve everything... but atleast i won't run away from my responsible... i dun care is purposely, misunderstanding or wat... i won't walk away just like that...

so what if i'm stupid, i like to dream... but that was something i used to said in the past... now, i lost my dream... i won't i lost it somewhere, someone took it or someone steal it away... but i dun really care... i search for a year already but still... no matter how i find or how i wait still can't be found... a dream that always change just becoz a thing it cna't consider as dream... a dream that can't celebrate wif ur fren and ur most precious one also can't be consider as dream... dream are not alone... dream never fill wif loneliness... never... but dream are always easy being steal by other... maybe my current dream now is no diff than searching for death...

i atleast understand y ppl commit suicide... not becoz can't achieve somthing... just that something in their heart they can't bear it and they lose something so important that they can't get it again. whatis more is no when they can't achieve that thing be4 but after they achieve they lost it and can't get t anymore... not onli thing but someone they love as well... in this world many kind of ppl... ppl wiht strong mind, ppl wif weak mind. but weak mind doesn't mean they alwys lose, strong mind doens't mean they alwasy can take thing easy... it's easy to say when wanted to let go and live another life.. but this word usualy come from ppl who never been in the situation... i used to be same as them, say ppl who commit suicide is stupid ppl... but now, i think i more stupid than them... becoz i never really been in their situation... now i understand... there are thing u onli will fully understand when u in the situation... not a word say that i stand on ur side and think is enough... that onli cna feel a bit of how other feel... but u never 100% how pain it was... pain and suffer wasn't use to compare with other... it can never be compared... the i more i understand the more i feel pain... and start tears....... weak is how i am now..... that's the onli word that describe me...

i wonder if i keep going like this what will happen to me.... i getting very confuse... i'm so confuse... infront of other ppl i act as if nothing happen.. i still laugh and still smile... but deep down my heart, i wanted to cry out loud...the more i laugh the more i feel i wan to cry. i feel so painful in my life... all this time what i have been doing. it's already a year i didn't laugh like how i should be... not even once... i forget how i used to smile in the past.

i'm just a failure. yesterday filling the form makes me unhappy... i dun really wan to go but i dun have a choice... i ask myself, why i keep help my fren to get them to oversea study but myself, i never help myself at all... i told my parent about my fren condition, one of my fren unable to go becoz of the financial problem. in the end my parent help my fren be the guarentor to let my fren get load from the bank... but i never say single word of my problem at all... i kept it myself... i dunno what i wan.... i dunno wat should i do... i onli know, i wan th ppl around me do gain wat they really wan... i help my fren find a better places to study... i can see each of them have the heart of wanted to go... but as my own... i look in the mirror and ask myself, do i wan go? honestly, more than 50% i dun really willing to go at all...

hope, happiness, future, cheerful and easy going... all this i have lost... not a single thing left... sometime i hope there is someone who will give me all this... or give me back all this thing that i used to have... a person who will help me out of this darkness... i really tired of keep acting as if i nothing... i can't... not at all... i totally a diff person who i am... and i know being this new 'me' doesn't have anyhting to be happy at all... sometime i rather i have accident... i have decease... atleast i leave this world not by purposely, but accident or destiny... nobody would say me stupid if i wasn't commit suicide... but i think no diff... in other ppl eyes, especially my love one already look at me like i am a stupid, clumsy, sturborness, idiot and useless... but i dun think she think wrong... maybe tat's who i really am. well, i already know that's how i am... well, that's y i use the name 'stupig' coz i no diff than the name and it's suit me well... maybe being a fool is my destiny.. i might know that's my destiny but i never give up but this kind of word is the past... now i dun have that kind of will anymore... coz i already a loser... ppl tend to say when fall down u can stand up again but already fall many time and i stand up many time but this time, i dun have the strenght to stand anymore. i dun even know what i really wan... if there a wish for me now... i hope i can end my life now... i already very tired of it... y not just let me sick till get into the hospital... and another wish is i hope the one i know, the i love, and the one i care will happily ever after...

by survive to hurt other ppl feeling... i would rather die early... knowledge that use to hurt other ppl feeling i rather being stupid... it's true, if u dun hurt other then it will be u being hurt... i know the truth of this world but i never accept them... i never will... not even till the day i leave this world....